Photo by Tiffany

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new lands but seeing with new eyes” – Marcel Proust

Our childhood experiences, coupled with our genetic makeup, significantly influence the type of emotional personality we acquire as adults. Our sense of self-esteem, temperament, perceptiveness, relationship skills, and ability to give and receive love are directly impacted with these factors.

Based on different combinations of these attributes, there are surely a large number of distinct personality types possible (please also see my earlier post on Being Myself). However, there are two types namely, the aggressor and the victim, that are prominently displayed in our relationships. Unfortunately, living either of these archetypes limits us from enjoying deeper and more loving relationships.

The Victim
As the title suggests, people with a Victim personality believe that they are the victims of the world – that the others do not care for their emotions and that they are routinely left alone to fend for themselves. They tend to be inward looking and are easily given to self-blame. Experiencing any setback, they are quick to judge and blame themselves for their situation. These aspects are partly a reflection of their low self-esteem.

They also have a propensity to be reserved, introverted and uncomfortable with any form of confrontation. Operating from a strong fear of rejection, they would rather conform than confront, to avoid the risk of being in the wrong and not being loved. Consequently, instead of sharing freely, they are prone to instinctively suppressing their true emotions.

However, these suppressed emotions of frustration and disappointment eventually do get released, in the form of sudden bursts of anger. To the others, these bursts are usually unexplainable, as the immediate trigger is generally somewhat insignificant. Some of these factors make it challenging for such individuals to have deep and honest relationships – in fact, many of them have difficulty with intimacy, lest their true selves be discovered.

The Aggressor
The Aggressors are almost the opposite. They have high self-esteem – their high self-confidence arguably higher than their actual abilities. This sometimes even spills into a sense of entitlement – the belief that the world owes it to them. They generally believe that they are in the right and are comfortable expressing their point of view.

While they have a high respect for themselves, they tend to have lesser respect and empathy for others. For them, the problems are always outside of them. Not given to looking within, they operate from the instinct that it’s generally someone else who’s at fault and not them.

They tend to be more vocal, louder and pushy in their approach. They like to get their way and can be dominating in a relationship. While the victims are comfortable sacrificing and giving (so they would be loved), the aggressors are better at receiving (as they deserve it)!

Relationship Challenges
Operating from either of these conditioned psychological patterns, we have challenges in building deeper relationships. The victims restrain themselves from sharing their true feelings and subliminally keep their partner at a distance. The aggressors can be intimidating, making their partner uncomfortable in getting close to them.

Nature perhaps plays a cruel joke in bringing these two opposites together in many of our closest relationships – if one spouse is the aggressor, the other is predisposed to being the victim; if a parent is the victimpersonality, the child turns out to be the aggressor; if a boss is the aggressor type, the employee they attract happens to be the victim profile and so forth.

While that maybe nature’s way of ensuring that the relationship survives (two aggressors or two victims together would perhaps be even more dysfunctional), it does perpetuate our individual personality limitations. What’s more, unless we make a deliberate choice to alter this, we are always subconsciously drawn towards people (spouse, boss, colleague and friends) with the opposite traits – so we can have a symbiotic relationship and sustain living in our comfort zone.

The Third Possibility
It is possible for us to break free from these conditioned mindsets. We do not have to be either the victim or the aggressor. Instead, we have to learn to be assertive.

Being assertive in our interactions suggests that we have high respect for both, others and ourselves. In this state, we are self-confident but not arrogant; we are firm but polite and respectful; we are open to other’s views but fearless about expressing our own; honest about sharing our feelings but empathetic of others’ feelings.

It’s that optimal spot in the relationship where neither do we take the other for granted nor let the others take us for granted; we are equally comfortable in both, loving others and receiving their love. Besides, our conversations then are far more authentic; devoid of any emotional drama (of either anger and aggression or sadness and withdrawal).

Getting there
Making this shift requires working on ourselves with the belief that the change is within us; recognizing that rather than blame others (our partner, parent or colleague), we have to change ourselves; and that when we change, our relationships and the world around us change automatically.

Only when we chose to reflect on our habitual patterns, bring them into our active awareness and focus on dealing with them, do we start the process of real change. Observe your self and establish which of these is your dominant style, particularly within your relationships? What would your spouse, boss or friends describe you as?

You can then determine the steps you need to take to be more assertive, authentic and loving in your relationships. What emotional blocks do you need to overcome inside you to be more assertive? Do you need to build greater love and respect for yourself or learn to be more respectful of others’ views and feelings?

Once we practice being assertive and authentic in our interactions, not only do we feel lighter and complete but also our relationships deepen and are filled with love.

Related Search Terms:
Living in the present /Emotional stability /Aggression and anger Personality