Category: Relationships

Unlocking Self-Awareness: The Five Levels of Understanding Yourself

Self-awareness

The ability to be aware of our thoughts, feelings and actions is unique to humans. This self-awareness is what differentiates us from animals and deepening it is fundamental to our evolution as a human being.

We often use the term self-awareness loosely, and it means different things to different people. In my experience, there are five distinct levels of self-awareness. These represent a progressively deeper understanding of ourselves. This progression can also serve as a useful guide when we are trying to change any behaviour or habit.

1. Outer Self-Awareness

The first level of self-awareness is about being aware of our common behaviour patterns and our visible personality traits. It’s an understanding of how we show up in the world.

“I often get angry” is an example of this level of awareness.

If we wish to change this trait, it is helpful to examine it more closely. For example, how often does it happen, what’s the intensity of the anger, how long does it last and what kind of people or situations does it get triggered by.

2. Inner Self-Awareness

From outer behaviour, we move to our inner thoughts and feelings. At this level, we have awareness of our recurring thoughts and feelings.

Example: “When my teenagers don’t listen to my advice, it shows they don’t respect me and I feel frustrated with my inability to parent them. I also worry that they will make big mistakes in life. This situation makes me angry.”

Here. we are aware not only of the angry behaviour but also of the thoughts and feelings that precede or accompany it. To expand our awareness, it’s useful to observe the impact our anger has on others and ourselves. How does it make the children feel. What are they learning about power dynamics and anger. How do we feel afterward. Was the anger worth it.

3. Subtle Self-Awareness

We usually recognise our recurring thoughts and feelings when we choose to pause and reflect. But at this level, we are in tune with our constantly changing thoughts and feelings as…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | 15 Comments

A Top Coaching Goal Among Business Leaders


Which of the following coaching goals would you reckon leaders find most valuable working on? Becoming more strategic and impactful, inspiring their team, influencing diverse stakeholders, building executive presence, being empathetic, assertive or less stressed. While each of these comes up frequently, the one that leaders find particularly rewarding is becoming more emotionally secure.

Despite the success, many people in leadership roles feel insecure within. They experience the imposter syndrome – the feeling that they are not good enough for their role. Some are insecure about their educational or professional background, others about their lack of gravitas.

Many are anxious about how they measure up against their peers and the narrowing opportunities at the top of the pyramid. Some have a nagging concern about the risk of losing their reputation, others about staying relevant after retiring from a high-powered role.

Why does the insecurity prevail

Invariably, our insecurities are a symptom of a deeper unfulfilled emotional need to be accepted, respected or loved. This may be a part of our karmic imprint or a result of our childhood experiences. However, we grow up confusing security with success. Success can surely enhance our financial security. But while, success, status or power can dull the intensity of insecurity, they can’t heal the sense of incompleteness within us. I can relate to this as I have been there.

Irrespective of professional success, we can remain locked in our conditioned patterns of thinking. We chase societal expectations but lack an inner anchor of deeply knowing what matters most to us. Without such clarity, the only way to assess our progress is by external validation or by comparing ourselves to others. Neither of which can fundamentally make us feel whole.

Why they find this goal important

Leaders find addressing this area crucial to their professional effectiveness and personal happiness.

Feeling insecure about achieving their results makes them more directive and micro-manage their team. As a result, the team feels less empowered. They seek perfection in themselves and others and lose sense of strategic…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships | 7 Comments

The Chemistry of Happiness and Its Fine Balance


Whether you are a reflective person or not, from time to time, you perhaps think about what makes you happy. Of course, there’s nothing to beat your personal lived experience in this regard. All the same, it might be helpful to know a bit of the chemistry behind our moods, emotions and happiness. If nothing else, it would be a reminder of what you already know, but maybe sometimes fail to live by.

There are four chemicals (hormones) that play a role in our feelings of happiness. These are Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin and Endorphins.

Dopamine

The first one, Dopamine, is the feel-good hormone. It’s also called the reward or pleasure chemical. The brain releases it every time we set up a goal and achieve it. Whether the goal is completing small chores or achieving big business targets. The brain also produces Dopamine from acts of pleasure – eating a good meal, exercising, shopping, listening to music, browsing on the phone or having sex.

Healthy amounts of Dopamine add to our energy levels, a feel-good feeling and happiness. However, we can get carried away with the dopamine rush and confuse it with lasting happiness. We then seek dopamine hits more often and wish every hit to be bigger than the previous one. That’s how we can form an addiction to alcohol, shopping, traveling, social media, drugs or even work, success and winning. Not getting our fix then makes us restless and anxious.

Serotonin

Serotonin, the second one, is the mood-regulating hormone. It enhances our mood, sense of optimism and quality of sleep. Low levels of serotonin are associated with anxiety, depression and OCD. Interestingly, while the other three hormones are produced by the brain, 90% of Serotonin is produced in the gut. Clearly, a healthy microbiome is crucial for this. Healthy and balanced diet, walking in nature, sunshine, massage and meditation support the production of Serotonin. Persistent stress negates it.

Another factor that affects Serotonin levels is our sense of our social standing. Excessive social comparisons, made only easier…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 16 Comments

What It Takes To Be The Adult In The Room

Adult Ego State

Even though not usually apparent, at the core, I have had a permissive predisposition. I have a tendency to avoid confrontation and prefer harmony over righteousness. Also, I instinctively feel the urge to protect anyone close to me I perceive to be vulnerable in an interaction.

Over the years, I have been consciously working on becoming more assertive instead. Where I am more open to expressing myself more fully in a firm, respectful and sensitive way. And hold the space for the vulnerable to find their strength. Although I am comfortable with where I am on this in my professional life, I sometimes find myself wanting in my personal relationships.

A recent refresher of Transactional Analysis (TA) was a great reminder of the further work I can do. As you may know, TA is a psychological theory of personal growth and relationships. It suggests that we have three ego states (Parent, Adult, Child) that primarily develop during our childhood. The specific combination of these states that we operate from determines the outcome of a particular interaction.

The three ego states

Parent ego state represents our psychological make-up that subconsciously imitates our childhood interpretation of the actions of our parents or of other figures of authority. How we get angry at similar triggers as one of our parents or talk in a critical or endearing tone like them. It’s the set of rules or beliefs that we imbibe during childhood about life, work and family.

Adult ego state corresponds to being guided by an objective assessment of the present moment, without any emotional baggage. This relates to our ability to process information in a logical way. Child ego state comprises thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are similar to how we tended to be, particularly emotionally, in our childhood. How we felt sad or angry every time someone passed a critical comment or didn’t include us in their plans; or how we were playful, conforming or defiant.

Can you notice these patterns playing out in yourself…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized | 21 Comments

Don’t Be Too Proud Of Your Analytical Mind


After a long time, the other day, I started making a gratitude list. One of those things that I have many of my clients do, but hadn’t done myself for a while. As I looked through the list, I noticed a familiar but unanticipated pattern. One that I have been trying to embrace for a while, although it’s much outside of my comfort zone.

I am an engineer, left-brained, analytical type. Given my broad success with problem-solving, I have perhaps subconsciously formed two beliefs. One, that every life issue is a problem to be solved. Two, with an analytical approach, I should be able to solve for most things. I clearly view that as a strength. I have been often rewarded for it in my professional life. However, what I noticed in the gratitude list was revealing. For some of the most significant points in the list, neither I nor my problem-solving mind had any contribution whatsoever.

On the contrary, they had everything to do with letting go and trusting. Letting go of my analytical mind and my achievement-orientation, and instead trusting the universe and my intuition.

I am grateful for the presence of my wife in my life. She’s my rock. But then, the life-long love affair that started with a brief encounter was not based on my thinking abilities, but on emotions, intuitive connection and trust. The more I have learnt to silence my judgmental self and the more unconditionally loving I have tried to be in my heart, the deeper my experience of the relationship has been.

My introduction to spirituality was a design of the universe. Some 25 years ago, my wife suggested that we both learn Reiki. I was naturally sceptical. As a trained engineer, I was just not going to fall for a technique to heal ourselves using our hands and some invisible energy. The idea that it could heal others, and even remotely, seemed absurd. But something within me led me…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 31 Comments

Reflect More, And Know This Crucial Factor To Make It Count


As much as we need exercise for our physical health, we need a regular reflective practice for our mental and emotional well-being. A few minutes of quiet time, away from all the emails and social media noise, when we can simply connect with our inner being.

We ordinarily have over fifty thousand thoughts in a day. Moments of solitude allow us to slow down this neurotic pace of mental activity. As we learn to observe our recurring thought patterns, we also begin to see the futility of many of our thoughts that usually preoccupy us.

Besides, building our reflective capacity strengthens our emotional equilibrium. We are then less easily affected by the daily ups and downs of life. We also become more thoughtful and less reactive in our responses.

I have personally found meditation to be a great support in this regard. Some people find writing a journal therapeutic; some practicing yoga and pranayama; and some listening to inspirational talks. Some others have a practice of positive affirmations where they recall three to five positive and reassuring statements a few times of day. This helps them proactively stay in an even-keel emotional and mental state.

One shift to make your reflective practice count

I consider myself a thoughtful and reflective person. I tend to be intense in whatever I do and can easily drift towards perfectionism. Committed to self-improvement and personal growth, I bring the same approach there too. Some years ago, I noticed a tendency in my reflections to sometimes seek answers to a certain type of questions. Particularly, when I clearly fell short of my own expectations. For example, if I lost my cool in a family conversation or found myself judging someone or wanting in my level of generosity. I wondered, why can’t I stay more present, why can’t I be less judgmental and be more loving, why is it so hard even though I am so committed to be a certain…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized | 9 Comments

This New Year: Whatever Your Goals, Try Practicing This


Shankar, a Chennai-based businessman, was disturbed by his 19-year-old son Arjun’s sudden change in behaviour. Arjun is a bright, driven and hardworking student. At his high school, he was not only one of the top students, but also an accomplished guitarist and a member of the swim team. He was a bit reserved though and felt uncomfortable outside of his circle of close friends.

However, within his first semester at a university in Chicago, he started to feel socially anxious. He was scared of meeting new people and avoided all social events on campus. He began to feel isolated and depressed. His grades started to drop. Uncomfortable with the idea, he avoided discussing about this with his parents. But when he was home during the winter break, his parents started to notice some changes in his behaviour. He would stay in his room till late morning and displayed no interest in music, exercising or even going out – things he previously loved.

When the parents asked him about it, he kind of dismissed it as nothing significant. As the break went by, the parents became more anxious and impatient with his unexplained behaviour. Shankar tried motivating him to get on with things. By the time it was summer break, the parents were beginning to feel helpless. They felt that their son didn’t care about his goals, that he was being irresponsible and would let himself and them down. As they arranged for counselling sessions for him, they continued to cajole him to improve and get back on track.

All along missing the point. That, what Arjun needed most was not advice, but their love – unconditional love. That when someone’s confidence, self-belief and self-worth are on the low, they don’t need motivating speeches; they need acceptance and love. Not feeling judged and instead feeling accepted and loved for who they are (despite their imperfections), by people they care about, is crucial for their healing.

While Shankar has since made amends, we can all improve on…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 17 Comments

Alter Your Relationship With Disagreements


Joseph runs the Asia marketing division for a multinational corporation. He hated disagreements. Harmony was his overwhelming preference. He tended to avoid any confrontation with his colleagues as well as his family members. He felt uncomfortable even when people he cared about were arguing with each other. His colleagues described him as diplomatic as he always found ways to not take sides in any argument.

While he felt comfortable with this approach, this was clearly impacting his effectiveness. He found it hard to call out under-performers in his team. He also struggled to influence his seniors and peers as he failed to engage in difficult conversations with them. Likewise, it affected his relationships at home.

During our work together, as he chose to examine his tendencies, he became more aware of his personality traits and core beliefs underlying this behaviour. He recognised that he’s a sensitive person and avoids confrontation to minimise the risk of being hurt. He also viewed disagreements as a win-lose contest, where only one person could win and the other had to lose.

Most importantly, he became very aware of his intrinsic need to be liked. He was subconsciously operating from the belief that if he had a disagreement with someone, they would feel offended. Or worse, they may dislike him. He simply assumed that everyone was as sensitive as him and that they would take any argument as a personal attack.

With continued reflections, he realised that he clearly had an unhealthy relationship with ‘disagreements’. Here are three ideas he has been successfully working on to reform this relationship.

1. View disagreements as integral to a healthy relationship

He has begun to appreciate that while harmony is important for a lasting relationship, it doesn’t need to be that way a hundred percent of the time. Whenever two people engage in a…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Relationships, Self-growth | 3 Comments

Get Better At The One Thing That Matters

Unconditional love

My mother-in-law passed away a few years ago. I was very close to her. In the last few weeks of her life, she stayed with us as she received treatment for her brain tumour. It was an emotional time for the family. We felt terribly sad, disturbed and helpless. We also experienced a deep sense of love – amongst all the family members, as we supported each other in lovingly taking care of her and sending her healing energy.

I personally also experienced an unusual insight. In her dying moments, as I looked into her eyes, she seemed to have only one question – “Did I love enough?” While her answer for this question must have been resoundingly positive, I wondered what my response would be for myself. In the busyness of life, how attentive am I to being loving? As a life partner, parent, son and friend, what proportion of my thoughts and actions emanate from a place of love and what from fear, ego, and insecurity?

As I search for greater inner growth, I have started to realise that spiritual growth is nothing but our ability to unconditionally love. It has to begin with learning to love and accept ourselves fully. Only then can we unconditionally love our family and friends; and eventually be equipped to love all beings. Here are some thoughts on what comes in the way of practicing this and what can help.

What comes in the way?

Firstly, it’s our judgmental nature. We grow up feeling judged by our parents, teachers and peers. If our home, school or work environment constantly judges, praises and dismisses others, for certain traits, it creates a mental map for our judgmental perceptions. If success, self-confidence and extroversion are revered in our ecosystem, we constantly judge ourselves against those traits. We use the same measures to judge…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 16 Comments

To Build Emotional Resilience, Bury These 5 Ps

Resilience

Emotional resilience is the cornerstone of success and happiness in life. Human life invariably presents several unexpected twists and turns, many of them seemingly unpleasant. Our emotional resilience, the ability to adapt to stressful situations and crisis, determines our success, happiness and our overall life experience.

Resilient individuals are able to roll with the punches and don’t let these unfavourable situations define them. If we are low on emotional resilience, we feel frustrated, unhappy, stuck and can become depressed.

While some of us are naturally resilient, all of us can build emotional resilience by being more intentional about it. Here are five common traits that hold us back from being more resilient. Read on to learn what you can do to overcome these tendencies.

1. Personalise

We take things personally. We are conditioned to take credit for every positive development and to feel sorry and blame ourselves for every adverse situation. Any setbacks are seen as a direct reflection of our incompetence then.

If you are an emotionally sensitive person, there’s a higher chance that you are easily affected by your circumstances or others’ behaviour towards you. Any setback in personal relationships or in the workplace will likely affect you more forcefully then. You see these as a personal attack and feel like a victim.

To build emotional resilience, you have to let go of being so self-centred and stop taking things personally. You have to realise that life is evolving as it needs to and the circumstances it presents to you are not always directed at you. Likewise, if people behave in a certain way with you, it’s often not because of you, it’s because of the way they are.

2. Permanence

One of the most paralysing emotions triggered by a setback is the feeling of finality. That the damage is done and seemingly forever. If you are passed over for a promotion or lose a job or when your child doesn’t make it to their dream college, it’s easy to believe that this event is going to have…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | 23 Comments