Unlocking Self-Awareness: The Five Levels of Understanding Yourself

Self-awareness

The ability to be aware of our thoughts, feelings and actions is unique to humans. This self-awareness is what differentiates us from animals and deepening it is fundamental to our evolution as a human being.

We often use the term self-awareness loosely, and it means different things to different people. In my experience, there are five distinct levels of self-awareness. These represent a progressively deeper understanding of ourselves. This progression can also serve as a useful guide when we are trying to change any behaviour or habit.

1. Outer Self-Awareness

The first level of self-awareness is about being aware of our common behaviour patterns and our visible personality traits. It’s an understanding of how we show up in the world.

“I often get angry” is an example of this level of awareness.

If we wish to change this trait, it is helpful to examine it more closely. For example, how often does it happen, what’s the intensity of the anger, how long does it last and what kind of people or situations does it get triggered by.

2. Inner Self-Awareness

From outer behaviour, we move to our inner thoughts and feelings. At this level, we have awareness of our recurring thoughts and feelings.

Example: “When my teenagers don’t listen to my advice, it shows they don’t respect me and I feel frustrated with my inability to parent them. I also worry that they will make big mistakes in life. This situation makes me angry.”

Here. we are aware not only of the angry behaviour but also of the thoughts and feelings that precede or accompany it. To expand our awareness, it’s useful to observe the impact our anger has on others and ourselves. How does it make the children feel. What are they learning about power dynamics and anger. How do we feel afterward. Was the anger worth it.

3. Subtle Self-Awareness

We usually recognise our recurring thoughts and feelings when we choose to pause and reflect. But at this level, we are in tune with our constantly changing thoughts and feelings as…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | 15 Comments

A Top Coaching Goal Among Business Leaders


Which of the following coaching goals would you reckon leaders find most valuable working on? Becoming more strategic and impactful, inspiring their team, influencing diverse stakeholders, building executive presence, being empathetic, assertive or less stressed. While each of these comes up frequently, the one that leaders find particularly rewarding is becoming more emotionally secure.

Despite the success, many people in leadership roles feel insecure within. They experience the imposter syndrome – the feeling that they are not good enough for their role. Some are insecure about their educational or professional background, others about their lack of gravitas.

Many are anxious about how they measure up against their peers and the narrowing opportunities at the top of the pyramid. Some have a nagging concern about the risk of losing their reputation, others about staying relevant after retiring from a high-powered role.

Why does the insecurity prevail

Invariably, our insecurities are a symptom of a deeper unfulfilled emotional need to be accepted, respected or loved. This may be a part of our karmic imprint or a result of our childhood experiences. However, we grow up confusing security with success. Success can surely enhance our financial security. But while, success, status or power can dull the intensity of insecurity, they can’t heal the sense of incompleteness within us. I can relate to this as I have been there.

Irrespective of professional success, we can remain locked in our conditioned patterns of thinking. We chase societal expectations but lack an inner anchor of deeply knowing what matters most to us. Without such clarity, the only way to assess our progress is by external validation or by comparing ourselves to others. Neither of which can fundamentally make us feel whole.

Why they find this goal important

Leaders find addressing this area crucial to their professional effectiveness and personal happiness.

Feeling insecure about achieving their results makes them more directive and micro-manage their team. As a result, the team feels less empowered. They seek perfection in themselves and others and lose sense of strategic…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships | 7 Comments

Do We Really Have Free Will?

No Free Will

I don’t think so.

Free Will is the ability to decide and act free from the influence of past events or the environment. Free Will implies complete freedom to make absolutely any choice. If you spend a moment reflecting on this, you would appreciate why we don’t have Free Will. Because our decisions and actions are never divorced from our past or our ecosystem.

We have a conditioned mind. Our memories, past impressions and experiences bias and shape each of our thoughts and actions in the present. It’s our karmic imprint. Not just what we are born with but also what we accumulate while living. Alternatively, we can consider it the result of our genetic code, upbringing and environment. It’s our backstory.

The only way to experience Free Will is to get rid of all such conditioning; to neutralise our karmic imprint; to be independent of our psychological coding. That’s possible only if we can purify our mind by letting go of all our ego, attachments and fixed beliefs. Only when we can reside in the truth of our being. Clearly a tall order for any of us to achieve in a lifetime.

But we do have choice in most situations, right?

You could argue that the above is a rather exacting definition of Free Will. What we usually mean by Free Will is that we have a choice in most situations. Even if we may not have complete freedom to make absolutely any choice, we clearly have some choice. For example, who you choose to marry, what profession you pursue or how you react to someone’s aggression. Sounds reasonable. But here’s the catch.

While we do seemingly have a choice in most situations, our ability to make that choice too is significantly restricted by our predispositions. Our karmic imprint or our psychological coding is quite powerful and dictates the choice we make. Subconsciously, you are likely to fall in love with a person of a specific personality type; pursue a profession with certain specific…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 17 Comments

The Chemistry of Happiness and Its Fine Balance


Whether you are a reflective person or not, from time to time, you perhaps think about what makes you happy. Of course, there’s nothing to beat your personal lived experience in this regard. All the same, it might be helpful to know a bit of the chemistry behind our moods, emotions and happiness. If nothing else, it would be a reminder of what you already know, but maybe sometimes fail to live by.

There are four chemicals (hormones) that play a role in our feelings of happiness. These are Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin and Endorphins.

Dopamine

The first one, Dopamine, is the feel-good hormone. It’s also called the reward or pleasure chemical. The brain releases it every time we set up a goal and achieve it. Whether the goal is completing small chores or achieving big business targets. The brain also produces Dopamine from acts of pleasure – eating a good meal, exercising, shopping, listening to music, browsing on the phone or having sex.

Healthy amounts of Dopamine add to our energy levels, a feel-good feeling and happiness. However, we can get carried away with the dopamine rush and confuse it with lasting happiness. We then seek dopamine hits more often and wish every hit to be bigger than the previous one. That’s how we can form an addiction to alcohol, shopping, traveling, social media, drugs or even work, success and winning. Not getting our fix then makes us restless and anxious.

Serotonin

Serotonin, the second one, is the mood-regulating hormone. It enhances our mood, sense of optimism and quality of sleep. Low levels of serotonin are associated with anxiety, depression and OCD. Interestingly, while the other three hormones are produced by the brain, 90% of Serotonin is produced in the gut. Clearly, a healthy microbiome is crucial for this. Healthy and balanced diet, walking in nature, sunshine, massage and meditation support the production of Serotonin. Persistent stress negates it.

Another factor that affects Serotonin levels is our sense of our social standing. Excessive social comparisons, made only easier…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 16 Comments

For Deeper Peace: Reduce Not Negative Thoughts, But Thinking Itself


We have two types of thoughts – voluntary and involuntary. Voluntary thoughts are the ones we consciously choose to have. For example, when planning, analysing or engaging in an activity. Involuntary thoughts are the ones that arise in our mind on their own. If you have ever tried meditating, you surely know what involuntary thoughts look like.

Research suggests that over 90% of our thoughts arise involuntarily from the subconscious mind. Even when we are consciously engaged in an activity, many of our thoughts are involuntary. Many of them are repetitive and a significant proportion of them are disempowering and negative thoughts.

Why the negative bias 

No different from the heart pumping blood, it’s the human mind’s innate nature to produce thoughts. Our subconscious mind is the storehouse of all our past desires, emotions, beliefs and experiences. And conditioned by our past, it carries a highly judgemental bias. It judges everything to be good or bad, desirable or avoidable, pleasurable or painful.

This feeds our desire to maximise favourable experiences in life and minimise unfavourable ones. The constant struggle to achieve that generates negative thoughts and emotions. We fear unfavourable experiences. On the other hand, we become attached to the favourable ones. We want to hold to them, crave for more and then fear losing them. This pattern repeatedly disturbs our peace.

Why positive thinking is not enough

One of the leading prescriptions to deal with negative thoughts is to develop positive thinking. How we should focus on the positive in every situation. How we should not dwell on the negative thoughts. That surely helps, but not enough and not everyone.

This is primarily because as long as we view every thought or situation as positive or negative, we perpetuate our judgmental psyche. Besides, overvaluing positive thinking can create a sense of helplessness when we are experiencing negative thoughts. We then avoid or suppress the negative thoughts rather than learn to face them. Further, inability to think positively leads us to judge ourselves as inadequate, further solidifying the…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 4 Comments

Join, Lead, Start or Build Such Organisations

Social enterprises

Patagonia is a social enterprise. It’s in the business of saving the planet. With $1 billion in sales, they produce premium outdoor clothing in a highly sustainable way. Their products use nearly 90% recycled materials. To counter the waste generated by fast fashion, they produce long-lasting products and even offer a repair and reuse program. Their entire US business uses 100% renewable energy.

They are heavily into climate activism and give away 1% of their sales for preservation of natural environment. Their founder has decided to direct all future profits to protecting the global environment.

Organisations the world needs

Would you agree that the capitalistic business model that singularly aims to maximise shareholders’ returns is flawed and has run its course? That, single-minded pursuit of profits ignores social and environmental costs; relentless and high velocity action creates a stressful work environment; and lack of clarity of organisational purpose leaves employees unfulfilled.

On the other hand, the social-sector does hugely meaningful work but is constrained in many ways. Their dependence on external funding, inability to attract talent and often lack of efficient systems hampers their effectiveness and scalability.

What we need is a business model that focuses on solving social problems in a financially sustainable way. One that serves as a link between the efficiency and scale of market-based systems and the social impact of philanthropy. Where the financial goals are important, but do not in any way undermine societal goals. We need more social enterprises!

Social enterprises and the power of purpose

Social enterprises are deeply mission-driven organisations. Where the purpose of their existence is not an add-on objective, but is at the very heart of their everyday work. Where ‘doing well’ follows the pursuit of ‘doing good’.

Their sense of purpose is also more motivating and fulfilling for the employees. This matters even more to Millennials who make up nearly 50% of today’s workforce. They find their job more fulfilling when they have opportunities to make a positive impact on social and environmental issues. Many of them are…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Leadership, Self-growth | Comments Off on Join, Lead, Start or Build Such Organisations

Have You Tried Being Still And Going Nowhere?

Being present to thoughts and feelings

Why do we struggle to be calm, content and happy? One of the reasons is we are restless about a better future. Too often, we are waiting for something to change favourably in our life. Getting a promotion, winning a business deal, losing weight, improving our love life or traveling to new locations.

This restlessness comes from a belief that by achieving such goals, we would somehow be at peace and happier. If you reflect on your past aspirations and achievements, you know that this is not necessarily true. That this belief is flawed. That our restlessness stretches beyond particular milestones and so does our lack of peace.

The only way to experience inner peace is to learn to live in the present. To be anchored in what is, without obsessing about what could be, should be and would be. To accept and love where we are at this moment, be at ease with the current imperfections of our life and acknowledge that we are a work in progress. But this requires an important skill – more about that in a moment.

The larger issue

Attachment to favourable future outcomes is only one of our mental obsessions. Our mind is constantly racing with an unending stream of thoughts. We don’t consciously generate these thoughts – they just keep arising on their own.

And a vast majority of these thoughts are linked to the past or the future. Unfortunately, many of them are unhealthy and lead to negative emotions. Dwelling on missed opportunities of the past makes us sad; fear of a potentially unfavourable event in the future makes us anxious.

Because we are not alive to what is transpiring within us at any moment, we are not aware of how these endless thoughts hijack our thinking. As a result, our actions are on auto-pilot too. Recurring situations generate predictable thoughts, feelings and actions. For example, someone challenging us hurts our ego and we wish to prove them wrong. Every time.

The pathway to…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 13 Comments

This New Year, Realise You Are Enough

Being enough

One of the real sources of stress in our life is the insecurity of not being enough. The subconscious feeling that we are incomplete, that there’s always something out there that would somehow complete us. It dictates much of our dysfunctional thinking. We have an imagination of a perfect self which by the way is a moving target. And falling short of that, or even the prospect of falling short, reinforces this feeling. We worry not only about under-achieving, but also about how poorly others will perceive us then.

Besides, we constantly compare ourselves with others. As there’s always someone more successful, more interesting, healthier, better connected or seemingly happier, we feel less about ourselves. We envy others and judge and criticise ourselves. Some of us tend to lose confidence or become more submissive. Others react to this feeling by becoming more ambitious or aggressive.

But you are already enough

What if you are already enough? Not when you get closer to your perfect self, but how you are right now. Not when you lose weight, get the next promotion or your child gets their dream job, but where your life is at this very instant.

Each of us is a microcosm of this universe. Our essence is the same as the rest of existence but our limited mind is unable to relate to it. Water is the essence of both an ice cube and a cloud, but we perceive each of them very differently. Gold could appear as a necklace, a ring or a bracelet – but that doesn’t change their core.

Our essence is our soul. You can break glass into as many pieces as you like, each of them would still be glass. Likewise, our individual soul is the same as the soul of the universe. And it is complete, whole and enough!

We are unable to experience this truth because of an ignorant and conditioned mind. Societal expectations condition our mind with the idea that we are incomplete unless…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 11 Comments

If Next Year Were Your Last, How Would You Spend It?

End of Life

I know it sounds like a morbid question. But I believe reflecting on it can be insightful and rewarding. Working recently with a client battling a seemingly terminal illness was an eye opener. It was enlightening to see how the illness brought sharp mental clarity for him and triggered meaningful life changes. I wondered about the changes I would make if I knew I had such limited time.

Anthony had been diagnosed with third-stage colon cancer. He was 49 years old, married and had 18-years-old twin girls. When we met, he had undergone a surgery and was about to start his radiation therapy. While he was expectedly overcome with fear and anxiety, I was struck by his openness and determination to heal.

Life Lessons

He began by exploring the lessons this illness was trying to present to him. He identified that he only knew the ‘play’ button and never pressed ‘pause’ in life – that he obsessively chased future goals, identified strongly with his professional success, pursued trivial pleasures and never had time for a health check. Forced to pause, he could see the value in choosing to slow down and living in the present.

In moments of quiet reflection, he wondered about the futility of his actions that were simply trying to feed his ego  – always pushing to get ahead, trying to look better than others and wanting to win in every interaction. He could relate to the potential lightness in letting go of his ego and becoming a more secure person.

Despite his past attachment with the material life, he had suddenly developed a strong urge to explore spirituality. He immersed himself into books and videos about inner healing, contacted a Reiki healer and began taking meditation lessons. He was starting to see his illness as an opportunity to grow in courage, patience, mindfulness, empathy, kindness and humour.

Holistic Living

Notwithstanding the daily ups and downs of his condition, through some of the practices he was following, he was progressively feeling more…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 9 Comments

The Fundamental Design Flaw in Humans

Six Senses and Reality

What makes the human experience interesting, rich and fun are our six senses, the sixth being our mind. However, the same senses act as a nearly impossible barrier for us to realise the deepest truth about ourselves.

These senses are our window to the external world. The greatest pleasures in our life seemingly come from experiences derived from these senses. The eyes admire beauty, the taste buds relish gourmet food and a lover’s touch makes the heart sing. However, these senses are fundamentally flawed. This apparatus, while a valuable gift to experience the world, comes with some serious design limitations.

The design flaw

Our mind is severely constrained in what it can perceive through the five senses. We cannot see everything as our sight is limited by the light frequencies our eyes can process. Likewise for our hearing. Snakes and dogs who can see and hear different frequencies must be constructing a different world. We can’t register any visuals that appear faster than 1/8th of a second as distinct. That’s why we perceive a series of rapidly shot still images as a continuous video.

We are able to process only a tiny portion of the energy vibrating out there and consider it as the reality. We believe the sky to be blue; although it’s the scattering of the blue light absorbed by the atmosphere that makes it appear so. The moon doesn’t rise, but is only visible at night. The house you live in is not exactly still; but is constantly rotating and revolving at great speeds along with the earth. You get the idea!

The reality

For the past five millennia, scriptures, sages and mystics have appealed to us to explore and contemplate the absolute reality. The reality of an all-pervading, all-encompassing and all-knowing energy field. That we are made of the same energy and everything and every being is an integral part of this whole. And that there’s no separate self even though we clearly perceive ourselves as distinct from everything else….

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 15 Comments