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“Our life is what our thoughts make it.” – Marcus Aurelius

One of the principles of the journey of personal mastery that I have been writing about is self-responsibility: taking charge of ourselves and putting into practice all the meaningful ideas that emerge from our efforts at raising self-awareness. It is about making conscious choices that help us breakaway from our conditioned responses and instead create a new reality for us.

Self-responsibility is grounded in the tenet that the real change lies within us and that the only way to change our world is to change ourselves. It demands that we are open-minded about the capacity in each of us to discover- and implement- our unique solutions to our personal dilemmas.

It relies on the conviction that all of us do have a choice in every situation – the notion that it’s not what happens to us, but how we react to it that makes the real difference; the understanding that our inner thoughts have the power to create the reality we want to experience; and that we are indeed the co-creators of the world we inhabit.

Changing habits
Since humans are creatures of habit, real change is possible only by changing our deep-rooted habits.

Instead of trying to undo well-ingrained old habits, it is more effective to introduce new positive ones. Working with new habits makes the process of change far more positive and solution-oriented and is hence more empowering. For example, instead of working on how not to get angry frequently, it’s more effective to focus on being calmer more often.

These habit changes often operate at different layers of our personality. Starting from our behavior patterns, they encompass working with our thought processes, emotional responses and our fundamental beliefs. Practicing to stay calm in the face of a disturbing stimulus, becoming accustomed to actively appreciating one’s colleagues or sticking to a diet plan are all examples of desired behavioral changes.

Even so, at a deeper level, they involve altering our belief systems. For instance, in the above situations, nurturing a belief that whatever happens, happens for the best, approaching work as an opportunity to leave a legacy, and building a new and loving relationship with one’s body and health, would be the corresponding changes at the level of beliefs.

Habits an outcome of our beliefs
Now, our specific behavior is dictated by our habits; our habits in turn emanate from our persistent thoughts patterns and emotional make-up; and our thoughts and emotions are a result of our deeper beliefs. What this tells us is that for sustainable change to occur, we need to go deeper within and work with our inner beliefs.

Change then is not about fixing a behavior pattern but resolving the more fundamental knots in our mental and emotional psyche. It is not about losing five kgs of weight once (by somehow getting ourselves to aggressively exercise or diet), but becoming fit for life (by forming new and thoughtful beliefs about our body, food, fitness and health).

Let me illustrate how while responding to a given personal challenge, we end up working at different levels of our personality. Here are a few real examples of some of the challenges that have come up during my coaching conversations and a glimpse of the possible ways in which clients landed up dealing with them at different levels.

Particularly, let’s pay attention to the behavior change and the corresponding shift in the deep-seated belief that they undertook.

Working with your beliefs
Every time you choose to work with a behavior change, reflect on the underlying belief that makes you behave that way. Then explore what alternate beliefs might be possible in that situation. Further, look for examples in your own life that demonstrate how that alternate belief may indeed be possible. Living with these alternate beliefs, reflecting on them and regularly reminding yourself about them, would support you in your journey of real change.

Recognizing that, every time you feel unduly anxious or fearful, there is always an underlying belief that is making you feel so provides the opportunity to experience the reality differently. In every such situation, it is relevant to ask yourself what other belief could you adopt here that will help you be at peace.

Happy people are so because of their beliefs that support that happiness. When you operate from a belief of abundance, that there would always be enough for you, you feel content and generous; alternately, living with the belief that you have to always compete to get enough leaves you feeling perpetually inadequate. Similarly, the belief that you are perfect the way you are is enormously more empowering compared to believing that you are not smart enough which only deflates your self-confidence.

This preference for peace is not about escaping the reality of a situation but about being responsible to pursue the path that’s more meaningful, positive and helpful. By catching the wave of our thoughts, and the underlying beliefs, we can initiate the course correction towards having positive thoughts and healthy beliefs. As we sustain this approach, our behavior is bound to reflect that shift – our level of optimism, strength, confidence, peace and happiness gets an inevitable lift!