Joseph runs the Asia marketing division for a multinational corporation. He hated disagreements. Harmony was his overwhelming preference. He tended to avoid any confrontation with his colleagues as well as his family members. He felt uncomfortable even when people he cared about were arguing with each other. His colleagues described him as diplomatic as he always found ways to not take sides in any argument.

While he felt comfortable with this approach, this was clearly impacting his effectiveness. He found it hard to call out under-performers in his team. He also struggled to influence his seniors and peers as he failed to engage in difficult conversations with them. Likewise, it affected his relationships at home.

During our work together, as he chose to examine his tendencies, he became more aware of his personality traits and core beliefs underlying this behaviour. He recognised that he’s a sensitive person and avoids confrontation to minimise the risk of being hurt. He also viewed disagreements as a win-lose contest, where only one person could win and the other had to lose.

Most importantly, he became very aware of his intrinsic need to be liked. He was subconsciously operating from the belief that if he had a disagreement with someone, they would feel offended. Or worse, they may dislike him. He simply assumed that everyone was as sensitive as him and that they would take any argument as a personal attack.

With continued reflections, he realised that he clearly had an unhealthy relationship with ‘disagreements’. Here are three ideas he has been successfully working on to reform this relationship.

1. View disagreements as integral to a healthy relationship

He has begun to appreciate that while harmony is important for a lasting relationship, it doesn’t need to be that way a hundred percent of the time. Whenever two people engage in a prolonged relationship, some degree of disagreement is inevitable. Occasional disagreements are actually valuable for a healthy relationship. Instead of silently holding on to our differences, when we express them and acknowledge them, we give them a chance to be understood and resolved.

2. Not take disagreements personally

We often view disagreements as personal. For the sensitive type, the underlying belief is that ‘If you don’t agree with me, it means you don’t like me.’ For the aggressive type, the corresponding belief is that ‘If I let you win this argument, you would think you are better than me – and I am not going to let that happen.’

It is important that when we engage in any argumentative discussion, we leave our egos aside. This includes leaving aside our fears of losing the argument as well as our desire to win the argument at any cost. While we don’t choose to say anything that may hurt the other, we need to be authentic enough to express ourselves fully.

3. Focus on getting to the best answer

Disagreements are merely differences of viewpoints. We need to consider them as opportunities to arrive at better and richer solutions. They don’t need to result in a win-lose outcome – instead they can lead to win-win ideas that serve everyone better.

We need to focus on getting to the best answer to the discussion rather than worry about whose idea that is. When we don’t judge ourselves for our stand, most others won’t either. When we respect our ideas (while staying open to other perspectives), others may do so too.

On the other hand…

There are individuals who tend to be more vocal and aggressive in disagreeable situations. They can benefit from working on their listening to talking ratio and being more empathetic. At a time when discord and disagreements among different sections of our society are on the increase, altering our relationship with disagreements might not be a privilege, but a necessity.