Photo from Andy Zeigert

Learning to manage interpersonal conflicts is critical to professional and personal effectiveness. Any situation that involves two people or more carries the potential risk for some form of interpersonal conflict. Whether these show up as minor disagreements or a strong animosity, they occur routinely in the workplace and in our personal lives.

When not addressed appropriately, they lead to breakdown of communication and trust in relationships. They adversely affect achievement of common goals. Besides, they create heightened levels of negative emotions, like anger, frustration and of being wronged, for all those involved.

Understanding the possibilities

Interpersonal conflicts do not necessarily have to result in dysfunctional relationships. Before I lay out the five keys to managing interpersonal conflicts effectively, I would like to draw your attention to the possible outcomes of any such situation.

As the pictorial adaptation of the Thomas-Kilmann model on the right highlights, there are five possible outcomes of any conflicting situations.
Our relative levels of concern for our own needs and those of the others determines which outcome we subconsciously strive for.

While we do not always follow the same approach, we do have a subconscious preference for one of these. Generally, we are either too aggressive (wanting to win every time) or too permissive (willing to give in to avoid a confrontation). The ideal approach is to leave our ego or insecurities aside and look for a win-win solution – that not only meets our needs, but that of the others too.

Five keys to managing interpersonal conflicts

1. Choosing to deal with it

All too often, we avoid directly addressing conflicts. We are averse to uncomfortable conversations and wish our differences would somehow go away. Like a wound that festers, so do unresolved differences. People grow distant in their relationships and in extreme scenarios leave a job or even their marriage. The first step to managing interpersonal conflicts is choosing to deal with them.

This requires making a mental commitment to resolve the differences; choosing to prioritise a resolution over personal ego or viewpoint. We then need to set up some quality time with the relevant person to share our perspective and seek out a collaborative way forward.

2. Listening empathetically

This is absolutely vital to strengthening our relationships in general, and to managing interpersonal conflicts in particular. Many of our differences arise because we don’t spend enough time understanding each other’s point of view. Not being heard upsets us more than not being agreed with.

Listening well means listening deeply, with a genuine curiosity to understand the other person. It requires grasping both the rational message and the underlying emotions. For this, we need to suspend our own agenda and be totally present for the other person. (Ordinarily we are processing how what we are hearing impacts us or how we are going to counter the argument.)

One way to diffuse an emotionally charged situation is to acknowledge the other person for what they have said and to label the emotions they maybe experiencing. (I heard you say you are often not consulted on these decisions, and I can see you are feeling frustrated and angry about it.) This helps the other person become more aware of their own emotional state. It also makes them feel heard and understood – even if you do not fully agree with their view.

3. Responding instead of reacting  

It is so easy for us to get consumed by the emotions displayed by the other person in an argumentative discussion – be it with a colleague or with our life partner. We react from a place of ‘fight or flight’, thereby adding negative emotional fuel to the conversation. Our personal insecurities, coupled with our hard-wired perceptions about the other’s personality, dictate such a reaction. (He/she is always self-centered or arrogant.)

Responding is different from reacting. Responding involves operating from a place of mindfulness – being aware of what is really being said and sifting through the emotional noise surrounding it. It also assumes giving weightage to the other person’s view, without our preconceived and judgmental assessment of it. When we respond mindfully, we help resolve the conflict instead of fuelling it. (Read: Start mindfulness meditation)

4. Being assertive

Most of us have a predisposition towards being either aggressive or permissive in our interactions. Aggressive people believe it’s always their right of way, are vocal about their views, and are usually quick to display their displeasure in a disagreement. The permissive ones tend to reserve their perspective, are usually sensitive, and are more willing to give-in to avoid conflict.

Both these approaches do not result in the healthiest outcome. Being assertive and authentic does. Assertive people are firm but polite, have a clear opinion but are respectful of others’ views, are sensitive enough to not hurt others’ feelings but authentic enough to express themselves fully. They avoid getting embroiled in any emotional drama of a conflict situation, unlike the anger displayed by the aggressive or the sulking withdrawal of the permissive. (Read: Are you the aggressor or the victim)

5. Expressing our needs and emotions more appropriately

Additionally, for sensitive issues particularly in our close relationships at work or at home, we need to practice suitable approaches to express our deeper concerns or emotions.

I have found Marshall Rosenberg’s description of Nonviolent Communication an especially powerful way to express whatever is bothering us about the other person. Firstly, it recommends creating a trusting and non-judgmental space to share our troubling emotions with the concerned person. Further, our comments should not stem from a place of blame or complain, but purely from a place of honest sharing. This ensures the other person is not defensive about our comments.

Finally, for meaningful sharing, we need to focus on taking greater responsibility of our own needs that are not getting met by the other person’s behavior – instead of blaming them for their behavior. Specifically, he suggests expressing ourselves in the format, ‘When you do x (talk to me loudly in front of the kids), I feel y (humiliated), because my need for z (respect) is not met.

Sharing in this way, without focusing on the other person to change, evokes a suitable response from the other. You can expect them to make a reasonable effort to not violate your personal needs in the future. I have seen this approach work consistently with several clients. (Read: Expressing difficult emotions)

Endnote

Effectively managed conflicts are a powerful learning experience. What we don’t approve of in others teaches us a lot about ourselves. These experiences help us acknowledge our egoistic approach and become more mindful of our insecurities. They also help us be more empathetic and compassionate towards the views of others. We need not view interpersonal conflicts as something to be won or avoided. When we have a healthy relationship towards them, they can support us in connecting with our better selves.