Did You Love Enough?


The last couple of months have been a real trying time for my family and me. However, they have also been a source of receiving a wonderful lesson in life. During these weeks, I lost my mum-in-law, who I dearly loved. As she received treatment in Singapore, she spent the last five weeks of her life with us. The initial shock of her sudden diagnosis of a lethal cancer, and later, losing her within weeks of diagnosis, despite our best efforts to get her treated, have left my wife, her family and me distraught. Strangely enough, despite the emotional turmoil, there’s been a certain amount of peace and strength within all of us. As we reconcile to this irreparable loss, we have been reflecting on the entire crisis and searching for the lessons it offered us. While there are many lessons to be learnt from this experience, I would like to share what I felt was the most important one for me.

As her serious illness engulfed our lives, numerous questions flooded our minds. Besides wondering about why after leading such a loving and meaningful life, she has to experience this early and difficult end, what disturbed us most was the coming face to face with the meaning of life and questions around what remains of a person and their life’s actions in the end. The consistent answer we received was what sustains life, and what sustains after life, is purely love. Despite the challenges of the situation, somehow we were all quite calm, positive and strong all through. Besides our meditation practice, I believe it was really the strength of our love that gave us this special strength during this troubled time. The tender moments all of us had the privilege to spend with her in her last days were truly special. It was the depth of our love that held the family together and made those short five weeks so precious. It is also the anchor of love and compassion that is now slowly beginning to provide the…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 6 Comments

Climate Change, Ways Forward and the Journey of Personal Change


Mark Twain might as well have been talking about climate change when he famously remarked, “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it.”

Climate change is for real and its alarming impact has been evident all around us. The proportion of hurricanes reaching categories 4 or 5 worldwide has risen from 20% in the 1970s to 35% in the 1990s; the increased frequency of extreme local weather like the 2003 heat wave across Europe that killed over 30,000 people; the receding glaciers (according to the UN, Himalayan glaciers could disappear by 2035 possibly impacting over two billion people); the increasing deterioration of ecosystem and the ensuing diseases with newer mutants of viruses; and the disappearing bee colonies, impacting agricultural produce in many developed countries, are all examples of this change. It is even leading to social strife in parts of the world – the reduction in rainfall in Darfur has turned millions of hectares of already marginal land into desert, leading to one of the largest social conflicts. As we look into the future, the dangers of increased hurricane activity in Central America and Southern US, the risks of places like Maldives, Bangladesh and Cairo being exposed to higher sea levels, the challenges of large scale social migration, and spread of new and unknown diseases worldwide are ominous.

While there’s a significant debate (although often more political than scientific) about whether humans are causing this climate change or if it is merely the result of a broader planetary cycle of change, the scientific community unequivocally suggests that humans are contributing to it. As we know, one of the biggest causes of climate change is the rising level of carbon emissions, brought about by burning of fossil fuels, like oil and coal, by cars, planes, homes, factories, and power plants. On average in the US, a passenger car emits over 5 tons of CO2 every year and a home emits 4 tons of CO2 per person each year. The Ecological Footprint Network has estimated that humanity’s burden on…

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Meditation III: Joy of Mindfulness


In continuation of my last two posts on meditation, here’s the final one focused on mindfulness. Mindfulness meditations relate to the practice of being present and becoming aware of true nature of things – our own real identity and that of the world around us. While there are any number of specific approaches connected with mindfulness, they can largely be categorized as Concentration meditation and Mindfulness meditation.

The Concentration meditation techniques require focusing single-mindedly on an object, a mantra, or often the breath. Concentrating in this way stills the mind and sharpens its focus, facilitating a deeper clarity and fresh awareness to emerge. Further, staying close with the rhythmic nature of the breathing process has a calming effect on the mind. Breath is always in the present, we are only breathing the current breath never the last or the next one. Thus, focusing our attention on the breath helps us be in the present, without getting caught up in the drama of the past or the future. This not only relaxes our body and mind, it also creates space for new awareness to appear. As we recognize the depth and potential of the present moment, the empowering nature of that feeling enhances our inner strength. Breath is also the connection between our body, mind and the universe and observing it provides us new insights into the connection between our mental and physical states. The moment to moment profile of the breath can be a great reflection of our shifting mental states – when we are angry, anxious, or agitated, the breath becomes quicker, shallower and inconsistent; when we are calm and relaxed, the breath becomes slower, deeper and more consistent. Observing the breath thus automatically brings us in closer touch with our inner states of mind. Lastly, practicing this technique over time can significantly raise the level of our concentration in any given moment, resulting in greater focus and…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Self-growth, Spiritual | 2 Comments

Meditation II: Power of Visualization


“The greatest discovery of the 19th century was not in the realm of the physical sciences, but the power of the subconscious mind touched by faith. Any individual can tap into an eternal reservoir of power that will enable them to overcome any problem that may arise. All weaknesses can be overcome, bodily healing, financial independence, spiritual awakening, and prosperity beyond your wildest dreams. This is the superstructure of happiness.” – William James, Harvard Psychologist, the Father of American Psychology

In the last post, I had attempted to highlight the salient aspects of meditation as well as briefly introduced two broad techniques, namely visualization and mindfulness. In this post, I would like to expand on the visualization techniques – specifically, the theory behind them, examples of their successes, and some practical approaches.

Visualization techniques have been used to great results by many. Tiger Woods uses visualization to picture the exact trajectory of the shot he wants to make and then lets his mind relax (in a manner, get the mind out of the way) and let his body automatically perform the actions to imitate the picture. It is believed that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel with a similar approach. Einstein, who supposedly demonstrated limited potential at school, suggested that his theory of relativity came less so from a deep knowledge of physics and mathematics and more so from his ability to imagine and conduct ‘thought experiments’. In an interesting research, Soviet sports scientists studied the impact of mental training, particularly including visualization, on four different groups of elite athletes before the 1980 Olympics – group 1 doing 100% physical training, group 2 – 75% physical and 25% mental training, group 3 – 50% physical and 50% mental, and group 4 – 25% physical and 75% mental training. The results were truly amazing – group 4 that did the most mental training, fared the best, while group 3 did better than 2 and so forth. Louise Hay, famous for her books on healing, rid herself of cervical cancer…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Self-growth, Spiritual | 3 Comments

Meditation: An Introduction


Photo by h.koppdelaney

I have been writing about the relevance of the journey of self-awareness and personal mastery – a journey that requires us to better understand and work with our personal emotional, mental and spiritual make-up. Among the various psychological and spiritual growth tools that can support us in this journey, many people find meditation to be one of the most effective ones. In that context, I thought of writing this blog piece to briefly introduce some key facets of meditation, its benefits, and share some thoughts based on my learning and experiences in this space.

Meditation is defined as engaging in a mental exercise towards reaching a deeper state of relaxation or awareness. It originated from the Latin word meditatio, meaning contemplation. People engage in meditation for a whole host of varied psychological and spiritual reasons – higher mental peace and relaxation, reducing anxiety or stress, boosting self-esteem, strengthening the mind, sharpening focus, enhancing creativity, and achieving higher states of self-awareness. While it has some definite background in religious upbringing, meditation can easily be a non-religious and purely spiritual exercise. However, in all situations, it tends to lay emphasis on direct experience rather than on any dogmas or beliefs.

Benefits
Significant quantum of research is now available on the benefits of meditation. Starting with studies on the Transcendental Meditation (TM) technique in the late 1960s, various research findings have shown that meditation practice can noticeably improve all aspects of an individual’s life – health, relationships, work productivity, creativity and even academic performance of children. Independent studies at the National Institute of Health, and at Harvard, reported that regular meditation reduces chronic pain, anxiety, high blood pressure, cholesterol and cortisol (the stress hormone). Research has demonstrated that during meditation, the metabolic rate and oxygen intake drops significantly. Also, the meditators’ levels of anxiety and tension, as measured by their skin resistance to an electrical current, have been found to decline. Meditation is also proven to increase serotonin…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 2 Comments

Of Well-being and Healing…


A healthy sense of well-being is really important to all of us. Well-being is often one of the top wishes (possibly along with happiness and wealth) that people have for themselves and their loved ones. As people age, other than financial security, well-being and longevity are what they long for. Despite that yearning, how much attention do we pay to our overall sense of well-being on a regular basis? Even if we do, it’s often directed primarily towards our physical health – centered on the exercise routine and possibly some watchful eating. That is hardly sufficient attention, as our more complete sense of well-being emanates not just from improving our physical but also mental, emotional, and spiritual health. According to a Harvard Medical School publication, “Recurrence of cardiovascular events, including heart attacks and strokes, is more closely linked to depression than to high cholesterol, smoking, high blood pressure, or diabetes.” – reinforcing the importance of mental/ emotional health. Similarly, highlighting the need to nurture our soul, Roman philosopher Cicero said, “Diseases of the soul are more dangerous and more numerous than those of the body.” Taking a cue from the above, in this post, I would like to highlight the relevance of a more integrated approach to well-being, one that encapsulates healing and growth on all these four levels.

What are these different levels of healing and well-being? Physical well-being relates to our ability to effectively conduct various physical activities, including recreational ones, without any pain. It entails being physically healthy and inculcating healthy habits – taking care of our body through physical exercise, eating habits, hygiene, and maintaining effective balance between work and rest. Mental well-being is related to our intellect – our ability to think, our thoughts, understanding, values and beliefs. It facilitates our ability to create suitable mental maps to effectively navigate the world. Emotional well-being talks to our emotional health. As Mother Teresa said, “There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.” It’s the ability to understand our emotions, connect…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 1 Comment

Being Myself


“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes.” Marcel Proust

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “I love catching up with my old school buddies, it’s so easy to be myself in their company”? Or, “Felt so miserable at that party, making polite conversation with bunch of superficial people.” It transpires that we are often not our true selves in the company of others – subconsciously and repeatedly wearing masks that project a certain image of us to the world. We seem to have a collection of these masks that habitually surface, intending to best serve our self-interest, based on the need of our immediate environment. These masks come in varied shapes and colors like, the aggressor, the conformist, the nice guy, the shy one, etc. Only when we are able to bring these masks into our active awareness and deal with them, can we be ourselves and experience the freedom that brings.

We acquire these masks from various experiences through life – those gained during our childhood being the most notable and lasting ones. It’s our primal instinct and desire to be loved. This is such a deep longing that right from our childhood, we are constantly adapting to our environment and building different strategies, so we can better fulfill this need. Depending upon what seems to work, meaning specifically what helps gain our parents’ love during our early years, we subliminally begin to cement those strategies into our psyche. Some of these become so deep rooted that as adults, we see them as an integral part of our personality – acknowledging it with comments like, “this is the way I am and it’s hard for me to be any other way”. As bestselling author, John Gray explains in “What you feel, you can heal”, this is how it works. If we were recognized for exceeding our parents’ expectations, say at school, we can grow up believing that being a high performer is the real ticket to be loved. As a result,…

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Happy For No reason!


When Buddha professed, “Life is suffering”, he was likely referring not to a gloomy picture of our lives of sadness and suffering but to the constant inner struggle we have with our thoughts and emotions. Thoughts are ceaselessly traveling to the past or to the future – what I did well, what could have been better for me, what I would love to happen and so on. These thoughts are not an occasional occurrence but are a human preoccupation. A human mind typically has over fifty thousand thoughts in a day – and, all these thoughts are accompanied by corresponding emotions. Thoughts of things going are accompanied by feelings of satisfaction and happiness; thoughts of things potentially going wrong lead to emotions of fear and anxiety. As a result, our moods and state of happiness is always at the mercy of our thoughts and emotions. Is there an alternate to this existence? Can one have greater equanimity, irrespective of the direction of thoughts? Can these thoughts be minimized?

As we attempt to answer these questions, we need to first recognize what causes these thoughts in the first place. It’s our ego. It’s the notions of ‘I’, ‘me’, and ‘mine’ that we grow up with, which develop a deep sense of independent personality and separateness of our identity. We then begin working towards our own survival and growth and can end up leading an entire life focused on pursuit of personal pleasures. This sense of duality (I am different from others) is the genesis of our thoughts. As long as we see ourselves disjointed from the whole, we will continue to feel incomplete and have thoughts driven by our craving for more (money, success, knowledge, happiness etc.) or fear of losing something that we already possess (money, power, reputation, happiness…).

While there are numerous methods out there to deal with this unending train of thoughts, one powerful approach is related to connecting with ‘awareness’ or ‘consciousness’. Awareness is not the mind, or our thoughts; it’s the consciousness which allows us to observe…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Self-growth, Spiritual | 3 Comments

Parenting: Love, Boundaries and Inspiration


We all want our children to do well and be successful. While there can be any number of expectations from our children, when asked about what they want their children to accomplish most in life, most of my coaching clients respond with goals like, “we would like them to be successful at discovering and fulfilling their true passion”, “we hope they can get involved in happy and meaningful relationships”, “it’s important that they grow up to be good and caring people”, “we hope they can be responsible citizens and someday contribute to the broader community” and so forth. Parenting can be a really challenging experience. While we all intend to make the best effort towards helping our children achieve their dreams, more often that not, we are operating from limited experience and are at best learning from “on-the-job” training. It is further onerous to realize that childhood experiences indeed substantially shape the future the children have as adults and in a way, unless we pay attention to make amends, impact of ineffective parenting can continue to perpetuate from one generation to the next. Decades of psychology research clearly brings forth the power of childhood experiences – about how children of preoccupied parents grow up to be avoidant individuals or how sometimes loved and sometimes ignored children become anxious adults. Research also proves that childhood experiences can predict the personality traits in adults in terms of their being secure, anxious, or avoidant, with up to 70% accuracy.

Based on my personal coaching experiences, here are three powerful thoughts (love, boundaries, and inspiration) that I believe can significantly contribute to effective parenting.

Love
“If you start judging people, you will have no time to love them.” Mother Teresa

Love provides for a very basic need of a child – the need to feel secure. Loving parents can create a strong foundation of inner security for a child to spring forth other values and skills. Loving environment at home builds a child’s self-esteem and self-confidence – a sense of knowing their unique and special place in…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships | 2 Comments

My Never Ending Things To Do List…


“People often expect different results from doing the same actions” – Alcoholics Anonymous

Today’s world has a definite bias towards action – the numerous management practices around building a broad vision and then breaking it down to long-term objectives and short-term goals guide us into that direction; the modern society’s value for individualism and the connected belief that we alone create our destiny based on our actions, propels us towards a busier life; and, the mindset towards success and achievement driven by deep-seated attitudes of more is better, winner takes all, and perfectionism make us restless without constant activity. As an outcome, we find it hard to take our hands off the blackberry and wouldn’t mind being caught dead with our things to do checklist.

Behind this constant urge to make something happen and engage in action is an underlying inner sense of incompleteness about ourselves. Driven by the external stimulus of our social context, we never seem to notice it. As a result, we are easily caught into the vicious cycle of “doing, having, and being” – once I DO this (work hard, get my promotion…), I will HAVE that (more money, success, time…) and I will then BE there (happy, satisfied…). However, every hill we climb then appears to be bottom of the next peak. When we do get the much awaited promotion, we do not necessarily have the extra time we had longed for or the sense of fulfillment we had conveniently assumed; and in any case, we maybe already eyeing the next promotion, the next milestone, the next activity to move forward. This eventually leads to a never ending list of unfulfilled goals, burn-out, poor work-life balance and so forth.

As someone said, “Life is what happens to us when we are busy making plans.” The only way to break this cycle is to alter the above sequence to “being, doing, having” – first choose to BE what we want to…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Self-growth | 4 Comments