Kids these days!!!

“Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.”

Are you too a parent struggling to cope with the stress of bringing up a teenager? Do you often catch yourself screaming, audibly or otherwise, what all is wrong with your children? “Why can’t my son remember to throw his laundry in the basket rather than leave it on the bathroom floor or put away his shoes in the shoe rack and not in the living room, despite daily reminders?” “How do I get my daughter to be more focused on her studies, she just doesn’t seem to care about her grades?” “Why are kids these days so irresponsible, when are they going to start putting some real effort towards achieving results?”

It is our nature to judge people. And as parents, we seem to appropriate a carte blanche to do so with our children – constantly evaluating what’s good about them and what not, what’s acceptable and what not? All their perceived shortcomings are then a source of disappointment and angst for us. To make matters worse, when our coaxing often does not yield desired changes, we feel frustrated and stressed.

I believe it is important to understand that it is not what happens to us that’s the real source of stress, it’s our thoughts attached to what happens to us. No sooner than we notice something about the kids that seems amiss, our hyperactive minds race ahead with thoughts of concerns – how his lack of responsibility towards organizing his life is a precursor of a distraught adulthood, how her limited zeal for excellence is bound to result in recurring under-performance, and how their inability to follow parents’ guidance spells doom for their capacity to deal with the real world. As these thoughts recur in our mind, they gain traction and solidify as definitive future scenarios. Needless to say, as committed parents, we see it as our responsibility to make amends to avoid such unacceptable outcomes. We naturally take it upon ourselves to use all the means at our disposal- suggesting, coaxing, preaching, emotional blackmailing, threatening- to change the ways of our children. Unfortunately, it’s not very often that we succeed. Disappointment, frustration, anger and blame follow.

It transpires that there is a way out of this stressful situation. Developing a clearer understanding of the reality, and graciously accepting it, paves the way for both, peace in our minds and potential for change in the children’s behavior. In all the above parental comments, there’s an underlying sense of an ideal scenario – a craving for what should be. In the same breath, there’s also a lack of acceptance of what is.

If only we were present in the moment and could check our stream of thoughts, we would be in a different place. By merely altering how we think about the situation, and not automatically start by resisting it, we could make the shift towards being more peaceful, happier and confident about our children. When we start to accept what is- a child who is not well organized, a son who appears uninterested in excelling, a daughter who seems to lack responsibility-, however hard it may initially be, we earnestly initiate the process of change. Simultaneously, acknowledging that it’s not the lack of responsibility on their part, but our mental stories- the anxious thoughts and feelings of fear, worry, and disappointment- that get us all wound up, we accelerate the shift. Choosing to let go of our attachment to specific outcomes brings us to a more comforting and peaceful spot.

In that regard, I recently found The Work, a technique developed by Katie Byron, to be rather useful. While her process is hugely relevant for any relationship situation, let me demonstrate it in the context of parenting. The Work revolves around asking the following four key questions against each of our stressful thoughts or comments about our children:

– Is it true?
– Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
– How do you feel when you think that thought?
– Who would you be without the thought?

For instance, borrowing on her approach, let’s apply it to a typical parental comment like, “My teenage son never listens to me. In fact, he doesn’t care about me. He ought be more respectful of his mother.”

Are these statements true? When the mother steps back and inquires within, she recognizes that perhaps the son does listen to her and does care about her. However, when she keeps repeating the complaining thoughts, she convinces herself of those traits as being permanent in her son, thereby reducing any real chances of a meaningful dialogue. On the other hand, when she conducts herself from the belief that the son does care about her and yet accepts the reality that her son (at the end, only a teenager) does not sometimes listen to her, she feels more relaxed and has a more open communication with the son.

Further, let’s examine the deeper reality of the comment about how the son ought to be more respectful. How do we know the correctness of this expectation? Based on our perceptions and our worldview? Are those necessarily accurate indications of the reality? The only way to know the truth is to experience it – and her experience is that the son is not as respectful as she would like him to be. How does she feel when she stays stuck in her beliefs – stressed, frustrated and unhappy? Who would she be without her story? Only when she drops her own expectations, and becomes open to embracing the reality that her son is not very respectful and that it’s all right that way, she begins to find some comfort and peace. She may also find that perhaps she needs to more respectful to her son’s needs as well. Simultaneously, she may discover that in order to feel respected, rather than look to her children, she needs to respect herself first. From that space, her interactions with her son are likely to be more open, loving and compassionate.

The suggestion of greater acceptance of children’s behavior should not be confused with complacence or turning a blind eye to the situation. It’s really about refusing to live with our conditioned beliefs and working towards appreciating the reality; it’s about understanding our own demons and stopping to project them onto our children; it’s about unconditional acceptance of the uniqueness and preciousness of our children in their entirety and not driven by cherry picking the traits that better appeal to us; it’s about loving them fully, yet without attachment to our own agendas.

Furthermore, only when we conduct ourselves from that space, do we have a chance of inspiring any change in others. While people don’t mind change, they hate being changed. No wonder, despite our committed efforts, we see very little change in the children’s behavior. Our compassionate acceptance of their reality and our openness to both examine our own expectations and listen to theirs provide a real opportunity to nurture the relationship. The focus on love, candid communication, quality listening and belief in their individual potential create the foundation for any change to occur. Judging and generalizing their behavior does not facilitate change, providing specific feedback may. Remarks like, “If you had worked hard for your exam, perhaps you would have done better” are far more supportive of change than commenting, “You never work hard and hence you always do badly in your exams.”

Finally, children change and evolve not by what parents tell them but how parents live their lives. Rather than preach to them, we need to be the role models that they are inspired by. As novelist, James Arthur Baldwin, writes, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

In that context, as parents, if we want to be happier and have more of a stress-free home environment, the onus is on us. As we change our thoughts, the world around us does change. It’s perhaps not the kids these days…but the parents!!!

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