Photo by LoriConte
We get brutally tested in our closest personal relationships – while they offer the greatest source of joy, somehow they also have the potential to bring out the best and the worst in us. Parenting is a good example of that.
Firstly, among all our roles, we invariably find ourselves least trained for the responsibilities of parenthood. Second, children have a mind of their own and often their behavior is at odds with our expectations. Finally, our heightened attachment with their progress, although founded in love, actively interferes with our ability to be objective in our interactions.
Teenage years are particularly testing
As children start growing up, the generation gap between them and us can be a recurring source of communication breakdown. Teenage years are particularly tough. Children’s transition from a state of dependence to newfound independence, accompanied by the biological and psychological changes they experience during this time, is usually exceptionally taxing for the parents.
We routinely lose patience, get upset, worry excessively about their future and feel dejected when they talk back or break agreed rules. As someone wisely quipped, “Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.”
Being curious instead of judgmental
While I would like to believe that I have been a loving and supportive dad to my son, I have noticed that the keenness to see him build a strong foundation towards fulfilling his personal potential readily clouds my thoughts and perceptions. I am then more prone to judging his actions and results against my own beliefs and expectations.
I have lately been trying a different approach though. Letting go of the temptation to judge, I have been practicing being a bit more detached – choosing to merely watch his thought processes, actions and behavior as a neutral bystander. This has been revealing!
Children are a powerful mirror for self-reflection
Taking a step back has not only allowed me to see some of his strengths more clearly, but equally, it has also offered me a peek into myself – my own biases, perceptions and limitations. What we like or dislike in others is what we like or dislike in ourselves – impulses that only get amplified in parenting. Viewed this way, our children are an honest mirror of our own inner selves.
In the process of observing my son with a curious and open-mind, besides better appreciating his deeper positive traits, I have been learning a bunch of life lessons as well. Here are the five that stand out.
Five lessons I found useful
1. Fearlessness
I have noticed that my son doesn’t get nervous that easily. Whether he is going under-prepared for an exam or serving to claw his way back into a competitive tennis match. In his early teens, I often dismissed it as teenage bravado- and maybe there’s still some truth in that- but in recent months, I have begun to appreciate his fearlessness.
Reflecting on how I would be in similar moments (I can get nervous just playing a tricky golf shot), this has been impressive. I am slowly learning to be more courageous in my own tests now
2. Emotional resilience
He is a born optimist and I can assure you that he doesn’t get this gene from me. Losing in the second round of a tournament that he wanted to get to the finals of, he would feel down for an hour and then be quick to point out how well he played and how he would do better the next time. It’s the same story when he underperforms in a school exam.
Yet again, my wife and I have often wondered if his self-belief is misplaced and whether he has a realistic assessment of his chances of success. But then, as I have pondered over this, I have begun to admire his ability to look at the positives in everything. As I am sure my wife would say, if I can appreciate all these positives in him, I am definitely learning to be an optimist!
3. Authenticity
For the longest time, I was perplexed at what appeared to be his complete disregard for following some basic suggestions (from where to put away the dirty laundry to how not to do things at the last minute) – thoughts of his being irresponsible and inconsiderate crossed my mind on more than a few occasions.
However, on the flip side, as I have gotten over the initial discomfort of dealing with this challenge, I have come to appreciate his authentic nature. His willingness to admit his vulnerabilities and laugh at his own quirks is admirable. Further, I have silently appreciated his inner strength to withstand any pressure to conform and I believe all this comes from high self-esteem and self-confidence.
4. Living in the present
Here is a guy who has no sense of time – routinely underestimates the time it would take him to finish an assignment or prepare for an exam and abhors the idea of any kind of long-term planning. Judging it as a serious limitation and a teenage trait of seeking instant gratification, I had been quick to preach the need to plan and have a better sense of time. Until it dawned on me!
Wasn’t he actually living in the present as much as we all aspire to? He never relates to time as finite or limiting (many of us often do and feel stressed as a result) and never felt pressured to keep planning everything (the belief that it would be all right and that it’s important to enjoy the present).
He is never the one to look back or have regrets of the past – always keen to move on to what we need to do now. He has a genuine gift to be immersed in the present (even though its generally in more fun activities than serious work) and watching him is a sure reminder of its attendant joys.
5. Being happy
Finally, I am grateful that he is a happy soul. I feel the principal bit here is that his happiness, while perhaps influenced by his environment from time to time, is not greatly correlated with his circumstances. It is a part of who he is.
Faulted by my wife and me many times for not inculcating the right work ethic or building the appropriate level of commitment towards eventually fulfilling his potential, we have been learning a different lesson. If being happy is one of the core goals of life, he’s already living it and we can surely take a page out of his book.
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What a lovely insight Rajiv. Very interesting to look at parenting as a set of learning experiences. While we all seem to know it, it needs reminders like these to appreciate what our children teach us.
It all about perspective and here too Rajiv, you show a very valid perspective to parenting. I personally feel that children act as anchors or mirrors as you have mentioned to parents, a check list to see where they stand.
Many thanks for sharing your wonderful insight.
I learnt quite a lot on reading it.
Nice article about a parent reflecting on his son’s behavious during his crucial teenage years. Teenage is perhaps the most challenging period for parents, as well as for teenagers themselves, as they are in transition between a protected childhood to a more independent adolescence or adulthood. In many civilized Western countries, teenagers tend to live separately from their late teens. It’s almost like a chick leaving its nest to venture out to discover the world on its own.
But as Rajiv realizes, one has to be objective and somewhat detached to let their teenaged children discover certain life lessons on their own, which ultimately shapes their personality, and defines who they are in later life.
Sounds like your 17 year old has been speaking to my nearly 17 year old!!! Fascinating insights Rajiv to which I would add that parental intervention has a role which whilst exhausting can be useful – for the man-child not the parent! In our case at least I believe my son sub conciously uses us, his loving parents, as proverbial “sand paper” to polish his personality by testing his boundaries, ideas and world views. It would drive him crazy if I started agreeing with everything he did or said – Ha! Maybe I’ll try that just to get revenge!
Absolutely Chris, thanks for sharing. It’s about finding the right balance – being nurturing but not controlling, giving them space/freedom and yet setting some broad limits, encouraging but not falsely praising and so forth. Above all, being the role model and not merely preaching as well as learning to love them unconditionally (not only when they are like we want them to be).