Photo by Andrea Castelletti

We judge others all the time. Rarely does a day go by before I catch myself judging someone. We judge our spouse, children, colleagues, friends and acquaintances. We feel at liberty to label them as self centered, inconsiderate, lazy, aggressive, overambitious, uninteresting, irresponsible and so forth. These labels then prevent us from connecting to them more deeply.

As Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

Not only do these labels shape our interactions in the present moment, but they also often lead us to forming longer-lasting opinions about others. My husband never cares; my daughter doesn’t have the hunger and will never be successful; my business head is very selfish or too political and the person I met at the party was so aggressive. As such, we classify others’ personality based on their current behavior and can be dismissive of them.

We judge ourselves

Besides others, we routinely judge ourselves. I can never punch above my weight in a meeting; I am never the life of a party; I am not that talented; I don’t have in me to be successful; my writing is so amateurish and so forth. This subconscious commentary is our perpetual companion.

This self-judgment impacts us in wide-ranging ways. It pervades our thoughts, making us feel inadequate; creates self-doubt, negating our commitment towards the task; leads to self-blame, making us undeservedly feel guilty; and generates residual stress in our bodies, resulting in reduced immunity and increased propensity to physical ailments.

How do we become judgmental?

Besides our karmic imprint at birth, comprising innate preferences and predispositions, we acquire much of our judgmental nature from our childhood experiences. Being routinely judged by our parents, teachers and peers during our formative years does two things. One, our self-esteem takes a hit and we feel inadequate within. Second, we start to believe that it is desirable to be perfect and that one way of being is better than another to achieve this.

As we grow up, these beliefs get reinforced at our work place as well as in our personal relationships. Observing seniors at work making judgments about other colleagues strengthens our biases; feeling judged in a close personal relationship damages our sense of self-worth. These experiences guide our value system and we get accustomed to judging others and ourselves.

Two insights to be mindful of

Reflecting on the issue of being judgmental, here are two insights that I have found instructive.

Firstly, self-judgment is at the root of our malaise of being judgmental. We judge others merely by the same yardsticks we judge ourselves – we despise in others what we despise in ourselves; as we chase an idealized version of ourselves, we seek perfection in others around us. Our perceived fears of being judged by others too are essentially a reflection of how we judge ourselves.

Second, judgmental observation is severely limiting. Any perceived unwanted personality traits, within others or ourselves, are typically considered to be enduring – there’s the supposition that an impolite person would always be that way; a child who appears lacking ambition will never be ambitious about anything; and that I am not smart enough and never will be.

Moreover, this judgmental self colors our broader opinion of others and ourselves. As Wayne Dyer, well-known self-help expert, notes, “Judgments prevent us from seeing the good that lies beyond appearances.” Based on a couple of traits, we categorize the individual (including ourselves) as unlikable – overlooking the fact that the same individual (or we) may be highly likable in so many other ways.

Five choices for connecting with your non-judgmental self

1. Choosing to look within

As Carl Jung remarked, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

It is greatly helpful to become more aware of our judgmental self and observe what bothers us most about others. We can then choose to explore what is it that we are learning about ourselves in that situation. For example, what is it that troubles you about your spouse or your child – what do you need to be (more patient, accepting, empathetic…) to feel differently?

2. Choosing wholesomeness over perfection

Instead of constantly seeking perfection in ourselves (and in our colleagues, spouse and children), we need to build an appreciation for wholesomeness. This requires identifying the key things that most matter to you in life, being committed to a life built around those and measuring your progress against that; rather than trying to perfect every little detail or win every battle.

3. Choosing empathy over judging

Judging is easier but limiting, empathizing is harder but liberating. To become equipped to empathize with others, we need to learn to be compassionate towards our own shortcomings; appreciate that we all have limitations and that we are all guided by an inner desire to change and improve. This involves being comfortable with who we are and our personal situation in life.

Choosing this approach supports our ability to unconditionally love ourselves. This does not mean we stop striving to get better – instead, it entails learning to love our current state and not postpone our contentment to achievement of a new and improved future state alone. As we unconditionally love ourselves, our ability to love our family, friends and eventually others grows too.

4. Choosing to live in the present

Overcoming our propensity to judge, and labeling people based on specific characteristics, demands our being present in the moment. Only when we are fully conscious, do we have the ability to objectively grasp what’s transpiring in the moment; without being biased by our conditioned beliefs.

Being present also assists us in overcoming the temptation to extend what we witness in the current situation to a permanent state. Responding to a child’s weak test results by highlighting “If you work harder, the next time you would likely do better” is a healthier approach than commenting that “you never work hard and hence you will never do well”. Similarly, telling yourself “I have tried quite a few times but haven’t succeeded; maybe I should learn new ways of trying” is more helpful than a judgmental view “I have tried so many time and failed, I can never succeed”.

5. Choosing authenticity over fear (of being judged)

Finally, choosing authenticity over fear can be therapeutic. As we learn to love ourselves the way we are, we feel a greater sense of inner security to be our true selves, even in the company of others. As we stop judging ourselves, we overcome the inner fear of being judged by others.