Photo by Joe Penna

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” – Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher

Have you ever experienced the aching emotions of feeling wronged by life? When you feel you have to suffer for unjustifiable reasons? When others around you seem to be living a perfectly normal life? And you wonder ‘why is this happening to me alone?’

We invariably experience setbacks that make us question the fairness of life – from being overlooked for a promotion to losing a job, from a persistent discord in a close relationship to a separation or divorce, from a chronic illness to losing a loved one.

With any kind of recurring disappointment in life, the agonizing feeling of being singled out in having to deal with that haunts us continually. Besides, these situations bring out our inner demons – we wonder if we are good (or lovable or balanced) enough, we accuse ourselves, and we accumulate regrets, anger and frustration. From self-doubt to self-blame and self-pity, we are overcome by crippling thoughts.

Four keys to overcoming feeling like a victim

1. Developing gratitude

Arthur Ashe, the legendary tennis player, was dying of AIDS that he contracted from the infected blood he had received during a heart surgery. When one of his fans questioned him on why God had to select him for such a nasty disease, he responded that of the millions of children who start playing tennis, only a few fortunate ones get to Wimbledon and that when he was holding the champion’s trophy, he never asked God ‘Why me?’ While we are quick to blame our circumstances whenever we are in pain – physical or emotional – we take many of our blessings for granted.

Making a long list of reasons you are grateful for in life would, in most cases, help you appreciate how fortunate you are. Reminding yourself of the key points in the list on a daily basis can help temper the hold the negative emotions have on you. Remember, the more you feel grateful for what you have, the more you will have to be grateful for.

2. Having faith that it is for your highest good

The reason our pain becomes unbearable is that we take all our circumstances – successes and failures – personally. Judging every troubling situation only from the limiting perspective of its personal impact on us, we fail to recognize that it is an integral part of life’s evolution.

The universe is unfolding as it needs to. The sun rises and sets as it needs to, the winds move, and the clouds turn into rain as they need to, plants are born – some to become trees and some to die early – as they need to. The universe is also unfolding and manifesting in our life, as it needs to. It is we, humans, who resist it.

As French philosopher Marcel Proust remarked, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” 

We need to cultivate greater faith that whatever is manifesting is for our highest good – even if we can’t always see it so. It is the darkest before dawn and a mental breakthrough of building a meaningful and reassuring relationship with our suffering is always around the corner. Aligning our journey with that of the universe not only allows us to better accept our current reality, but also accelerates our personal growth and conscious living.

3. Focusing on the lessons you need to learn

Cultivating faith in the laws of the universe melts away our overwhelming anxiety and prepares us to be more open to learning the lessons we need to learn from our situation. Provided we stay attuned to it, every setback can be a wonderful learning opportunity.

While there are varied lessons available in such conditions, here’s a specific approach that maybe helpful for you to appreciate the lessons you could learn. Focus on your state of being and ask yourself the following two questions:

a. Who are you being in the current situation? (angry, rigid, intolerant, over-ambitious, judgmental, egoistic, anxious and so on)

b. Who do you need to be to experience a different reality? (more open-mined, flexible, loving, balanced, accepting, healthier, calmer and so on)

The more attention you can pay to being the new way, the faster you would be learning the lessons you need to learn and the quicker your emotional and spiritual recovery would be.

4. Knowing that the deepest part of you is always whole

What paralyses us the most in times of setbacks is the fear that whatever is happening is going to scar us for the rest of our life – the job loss would lead to a ruined career; a prolonged illness will result in an irreversible deterioration of health; and falling-out of a relationship is a confirmation of a loveless rest of the life. That our pain would sustain forever and that we would never be whole again.

While such thoughts seem highly credible during those trying moments, they could not be further from the truth. These setbacks are merely an experience of our senses and are limited in their ability to affect the deepest parts of us. You are pure, whole and complete there and these experiences can’t take that away.

As Sufi mystic Rumi said, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” These situations arise in our life so we can look inwards and start the journey towards touching the sacred that exists within each of us. Building that relationship with your suffering would empower you to confidently move ahead.

Look forward to your sharing your comments and experiences!

(This is an expanded version of an article I had recently written for the Speaking Tree column of The Times of India) 

People Search for this post with below terms:-

Positive attitude towards Life /Power of Positive thinking