Photo by erin mcconnell

The other day, I was holding forth with my 15-year-old, giving her advice on life after she sounded disturbed about something at school. I had a feeling my ideas were not landing well but my moment of truth arrived when she turned around and pleaded, ‘Can you not be a life coach and just talk to me like a Dad?’

As a parent, I can be quick to give advice. Given my profession, I almost feel entitled to. However, just wanting to help is not enough. Particularly with teenage children, we need to know how to. Teenagers have a mind of their own and can appear resistant. Learning how to have a meaningful conversation that moves them forward is crucial.

This in turn can be a powerful opportunity for our personal growth. Children, particularly teenagers, can be true mirrors of our inner selves. As I try to practice these ideas, they have been shining light on my own biases, limiting beliefs and emotional triggers and raising my self-awareness.

Five keys to a valuable conversation

1. Treating them as equals

Teenage years are the time when children are moving from being dependent to feeling independent. This transition is difficult for both sides. As parents, we still view our children as inexperienced and vulnerable, the children see themselves as ready to make important decisions. Teenagers can come across as snappy and disrespectful; while for them, the parents can suddenly seem unreasonable and demanding.

Teenage brains are work in progress and their risk and impulse control functions are yet to develop. This, coupled with their hormonal changes, also triggers mood swings and anger. Being mindful of this can help us engage with them appropriately.

For us to pave the way for mutual love, respect and understanding, we need to start treating them as equal beings. As the German writer Johann Goethe wisely remarked, “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.” Treating the young children as equals helps them to be more responsible. They learn to respect everyone equally and hold themselves accountable for their actions.

2. Listening at level two and three

There are three levels of listening. At level one, we are largely focused on our own agenda. We are constantly evaluating how whatever the other is articulating fits into our worldview and impacts us. Concerned about how the child maybe going off-track or getting distracted from our expected path, we are very often listening at this level. No wonder they feel unheard.

At level two, you are fully focused on the other. Listening to what your child is trying to say – not only their words but also the underlying emotions. You acknowledge their emotional state and are more empathetic towards them. Listening at level two can help build trust with your child and hence allow you to be better accepted as a supportive resource.

At level three, you are not only focused on the other person, but also very aware of what’s happening within you – the changes in your own body and emotions. Being fully attentive to the other in such a self-aware state creates the conditions for the most engaging and helpful conversations. You are not only in sync with your child’s mental and emotional wavelength, but are also very conscious of the mindset your responses are coming from.

3. Leaving our ego and attachment aside

For us to be able to listen at level two or higher, we need to set our personal agenda aside. Today’s parents are generally too involved in their children’s lives. We get so invested in them, we strongly identify with their progress or the lack of it. Their outperformance is an affirmation of our smart parenting and their setbacks a reflection of our failings.

Consequently, many of our parenting conversations become flawed. We are routinely projecting our fears, anxieties, hopes and aspirations on to our children. Teenagers are anyway conflicted within as they grapple with their own sense of identity. Not self-aware of our own emotional triggers and limiting beliefs, we add to their confusion.

When they are being rebellious or withdrawn, we may become either aggressive and angry or permissive and sad. Either way, it’s not helpful. In a quality conversation, we can remain loving towards our child but be calm and assertive. From such an emotionally neutral state, you can better support your child in dealing with their emotions during their years of transition.

4. Staying non-judgmental

Invested in their constant improvement, we often judge our children. The sad aspect of judging others, more specifically our children, is we start believing that is how they are going to be forever. If they are disorganised or uncomfortable dealing with setbacks, this is how they are destined to be as adults. Moreover, our tone, body language and emotions reflect this in our conversations and that is demotivating for our children.

Being non-judgmental requires a stronger belief that people are capable of change. As Buckminster Fuller noted, “There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.’”Watching how the high schoolers of the recent Florida school shooting are inspiring their nation on gun control, I was wondering how many of their parents saw this potential in their teenagers. When we believe in their capacity for change, and manage our own anxieties and fears, our ability to engage with them in conversations that help them learn and grow improves.

5. Reframing the objective of the conversation

As parents, we are very inclined to solving our children’s problems. In our problem-solving mode, we naturally assume that when a teenager expresses something that’s annoying them, we must offer effective solutions. Firstly, we fail to recognize that the child maybe merely sharing his or her thoughts and feelings and not looking for any advice. Offering our advice makes the child feel sorely misunderstood.

More importantly, problem-solving tendency is a rather limiting approach to a meaningful conversation. The most effective and helpful conversations are focused on creating awareness. For example, helping your teenager become more aware of what they are feeling about the situation, what thoughts or beliefs of theirs are making them feel this way, what other approaches might be possible for them that could serve them well and so forth.

Similarly, being interested in what they enjoy the most, what values do they most strongly believe in, what would their ideal world be like (without judging them for their views) helps them become more self-aware and in turn better equipped for their world. Staying curious, asking more and telling less is stimulating.