Photo by JoePenna

Stepping on to the tee box, I could feel my heart rate going up. I was definitely nervous. Since starting to learn the game, this was the first time I was going to be playing with friends who were clearly better golfers than me.

I surely didn’t want it to be a disappointing round – unfortunately, in golf, that happens way too often. However, I was more concerned about being considered a hopeless player. To pre-empt such an outcome, I instinctively declared that I was a complete novice; and how I had slept poorly the previous night.

I was more worried about rejection (my friends thinking poorly of me) than failure (not playing well). Most of us have a fear of failure. That’s the reason for our discomfort with taking risks. That’s why we are anxious about being passed over for a promotion or our business not taking off or our children’s progress not meeting our expectations.

However, beneath this fear of failure, we are actually afraid of rejection – the dreadful feeling that our peers may perceive us poorly.  Humans are social animals and we derive a considerable part of our self-identity from our perception of how others think of us. Many of us base our self-worth on our apparent relative status within our social circle.

Moreover, activities that enhance our relative status act as a mood booster. Activities that decrease that status, or even merely create the fear of a decline, result in release of stress hormones. The risk of social rejection is paralysing for us. As a result, we fail to pursue our passion and bring our true self to the world. We also continue to conform to our social circle’s expectations, even though we may suffer within.

The antidote

Happier people have a healthier sense of self-worth and prefer living by their own standards. They are comfortable in their own skin and are happy being themselves. Not that they are over-confident or have an excessive self-belief; they are more self-aware and are at peace with their strengths and weaknesses.

They are conscious of their personal values and commit to live by them; are mindful of their unique gifts and appreciate the need to express them fully; have high self-respect and recognise that only when we respect ourselves do we earn others’ respect too.

Above all, they prefer to evaluate their life’s journey by self-imposed inner yardsticks rather than by comparing themselves with others. They don’t look to others for approval and hence are less impacted by the fear of rejection.

To build higher self-worth, you need to engage in some serious self-work. Learn to accept yourself for who are (for specific ideas, read: obsessed with self-improvement, try self-acceptance), work with affirmations to train your anxious self to feel more complete (read: change the conversation with your inner child), and consider meditation to build inner strength (read: mindfulness meditation).

As I was reminded on that golf outing, self-work is a journey. It’s been a long while since that round and I don’t feel nervous on the first tee any more. But then, I wish I could say that even when I am not playing well the thought of how my playing partners may perceive me never crosses my mind!