Photo by h.koppdelaney

We all have an inner child – the unconscious part of us that, despite our biological growth, has not matured psychologically and continues to feel and react like a child. Taking shape from our childhood experiences of being judged, belittled or neglected, it becomes a storehouse of our unresolved emotions. As an adult, how we interact with this inner child directly influences the quality of our effectiveness, relationships and happiness.

An integral part of our emotional personality, this inner child subliminally interferes with, and reacts to, all our conscious thoughts, actions and circumstances. As a result, arising instinctively, emotions of regret, guilt, anger, fear and anxiety routinely flood our mind.

Unfortunately, no different from dysfunctional parenting, our mental chatter continues to subconsciously feed the wounds of our inner child – what if I lose my job in this economic downturn; hope my daughter makes it to the right college, what kind of a parent would I appear to be if she doesn’t; what if my last professional move turns out to be a mistake, all my peers would think poorly of me; I am not smart, confident, attractive or fun enough.

Understanding the inner child’s reactions and our response

The inner child reacts from its unmet emotional needs of the past, particularly those that have got reinforced over time. Unless our adult self is able to acknowledge and consciously heal these, they continue to shape our emotional reactions. Here are three commonly dominant needs of the inner child:

1. Need to be perfect. Acquired largely through childhood experiences, where our parents, teachers or peers may have repeatedly judged us against examples of perfection, the inner child forms the belief that for us to be loved and experience a good life, we need to be perfect. The workplace may only bolster this belief. Any mistake then is a recurring source of regret and any uncertainty of the future a trigger for anxiety. We then blame and dislike ourselves for not being perfect.  

2. Need for social approval. We are social animals and usually derive a large chunk of our self-identity from how we are perceived by others – starting with friends and parents as a child and colleagues and peers as we get older. Any event that appears to carry a risk of disrupting our desired equation with our social network generates streams of negative emotions within. We then judge ourselves and consider ourselves to be inadequate.  

3. Need for certainty. We crave for greater certainty of the future. As children, we are keen to know what kind of an adult would we become, what profession would we pursue, what kind of relationships would we form – a trend that only gets reinforced with time. Unfortunately, other than the universal laws of nature, almost nothing in life is predictable. Further, prodded by modern social ethos to assumes that we are the sole architects of our future (whether for our health, career or financial success), we put an unusual amount of pressure on ourselves to shape it. Given that life’s outcomes still remain uncertain, our inability to control them feeds the inner child and creates further fear, anxiety and stress. When the outcomes don’t live upto our expectations, we are hard on ourselves and disapprove ourselves for not trying, or being smart, enough.

Impact on your inner child

If your child experienced a setback or was anxious about something, how would you best support them? Imagine if your conversation with them were rooted in doubt, fear, distrust and criticism – inadvertently reminding them of their inadequacies and disapproving of their thoughts and behaviour. Hard to envision how that would be supportive to the child’s happiness or emotional health. But this is exactly how we subconsciously relate with our inner child.

Needless to say, besides not letting the inner child mature, it leads to stress and release of cortisol that impacts our physical health, immune system and emotional well-being. Such negative inner chatter reinforces insecurity within that rubs off in our behaviour as well as our relationships.

The right conversation with your inner child

Alternately, like with our children (read Parenting: Love, Boundaries and Inspiration), we can choose to have more positive, healthy and nurturing conversations with our inner child. To be able to do that, we need to acknowledge the emotional needs (attention, unconditional love, caring, guidance) of our inner child, become aware of the associated emotions (fear, anger, anxiety, unappreciated) as soon as they arise, and then choose to calm those down in an assertive but supportive way. So the next time you are feeling worried, hurt or upset, consider examining where are these emotions coming from.

We can work with the inner child’s belief about perfection and encourage embracing wholesomeness (read The make up of our unhappiness gene). We need to highlight that, amidst all our limitations, we are complete and wholesome the way we are; accepting ourselves for who we are without perpetually identifying with who we want to be; and feeling grateful for what we have in life and not inadequate from what’s missing. This strengthens our inner self-esteem and settles our restless inner child.

Likewise, we need to remind our inner selves that as we become more comfortable in our own skin, we can choose to live life on our own terms – guided by our personal values and our own sense of life purpose (read Finding your thermal). We are then less conscious of others’ perception of us. This shift can release substantial negative emotional energy stored within.

Further, we could bring greater attention to the working of nature’s laws, including the law of karma, our inborn predispositions and the role of random events, and accept some of the limitations of the notion of personal will. Rather than disheartening us, having faith in something larger than our individual selves can be comforting and liberating for our inner being.

Some affirmations to practice

Here are some affirmations that can support you in the messages you can choose to give to your inner child. Repeating these (or a suitable personalised version) to yourself every day can help you slowly heal the wounds of the inner child and alter the quality of your self-belief, behaviour, relationships and life experiences.

• I am complete, whole and enough the way I am
• The universe loves me and is always there to protect me
• I have a wonderful life and am so grateful for it
• I am thankful for all my experiences in life as they help me learn and grow in my eternal journey
• I see myself being successful and healthy, and enjoying loving relationships

Wish you and your inner child a very Happy 2016 and a wonderful life ahead!