Category: Personal mastery

Shifting From Transactional To Transformational Conversations

Photo by torbakhopper
Photo by torbakhopper

Our fast-paced modern lives dictate shorter conversations. In the age of 140-characters long messages and 60-second sound bites, our interactions are truncated to the bare essentials. With lack of time, our conversations have become transactional.

Our interactions at work revolve around discussing tasks for meeting deadlines for our daily and weekly goals. We spend much of our limited time with our children chasing them for routine matters like, eating their meals, finishing their homework, and sleeping in time. Our conversations with our life partner quickly deteriorate into merely managing our busy lives.

Limitations to the way we interact

This approach has serious implications for all our relationships, particularly as leaders and parents. Task-oriented conversations with our team-members don’t inspire them and instead, drain their energy. Such conversations fail to tap in to their deeper interest, aspirations, and sources of intrinsic motivation, resulting in lower levels of employee engagement.

Likewise, with children, supporting them merely in their daily pursuits diminishes the role we can play, as parents, to help them discover their potential, deepen their self-awareness or strengthen their value system. Between life partners, the transactional conversations dull the ability to deeply connect with each other and grow the shared love.

Transformational conversations

While we do need some of the transactional conversations to get by in our daily lives, there’s an opportunity for us to move many of our conversations to being transformational. Fewer transformational conversations maybe more powerful and effective than numerous transactional ones. Transformational conversations tend to be deeper, reflective, supportive, and insightful.

They invariably lead to newer insights, higher self-awareness, and move us forward in a meaningful way – we are usually no longer the same person we were before the conversation. Such conversations allow us to create inspired teams, thoughtful children, and reform our closest relationships.

Besides, transformational conversations are emotionally healing too – they result in a direct experience of compassion within us that in turn has psycho-physiological effects that restore the body’s natural healing and…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | Comments Off on Shifting From Transactional To Transformational Conversations

Reform This Belief, Transform Your Life

Photo by h. koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

Our actions and behavior are a result of our thoughts and emotions; which in turn are dictated by our conditioned beliefs. In order to experience real change in our life, we need to start by examining our underlying beliefs. One of the most powerful subconscious beliefs, that powers our life, is that achieving certain goals in the future will somehow resolve most of our challenges of the present. It is our deep-rooted belief around ‘doing, having, and being’.

Doing, Having and Being

Consequently, we are possessed by the mental commentary that once I can do this (get promoted, expand my business, lose weight, get my kids to college), I will have that (more money, success, time, recognition, friends) and I will be there (happy, fulfilled, connected, proud, grateful). While there’s some truth to that, particularly in the short-term, in the broader sense, it is an illusory belief.

For example, when the much awaited promotion does come along, we quickly realize that we do not necessarily have the extra time we had longed for or the sense of fulfillment we had conveniently assumed. On the contrary, not only do we become busier, but also find ourselves setting sights on the future goal – the next promotion. In the process, we routinely put our life on hold and keep postponing our happiness to another day in the future.

From Doing to Being

To transform our life to be more meaningful and happy throughout its journey, we need to reform this belief. We need to alter the sequence of the above belief to ‘being, doing, and having’. We need to start with what we deeply want to be, and let that guide us on what we do and have trust that with that, we will have all that we need to have.

For example, ask yourself whether you would like to be more successful or happier. If you had to make a choice at work, who would you rather be…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | 8 Comments

One Super Resolution Worth Pursuing

Photo by h. koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

Quizzing my children last week about their new year resolutions, I was somewhat stumped when they asked me mine. While I always have a bunch of different self-improvement ideas floating in my head, I decided to zero in on a few that are most topically relevant for me. However, as I reflected on my list, what struck me was that underneath each of them was one central theme – that of cultivating greater self-acceptance.

The super resolution

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that this has to be at the core of any personal growth agenda. Without deepening self-acceptance, our other efforts at being a better self would be muted.

Self-acceptance is the ability to have a healthy affirmation of oneself and our uniqueness. It entails becoming totally comfortable with our strengths and weak spots; an ability to unconditionally love ourselves for who we are. It’s not about having an unrealistic high opinion (or a low opinion) of oneself, but a healthy perspective of oneself. This does not mean that we become complacent with where we are; the difference is our striving to become better does not come from a sense of inadequacy then.

So many of our experiences, particularly during the impressionable years of childhood, are based on negative feedback on who we are – supposedly incompetent at many things and incapable of brilliance on numerous occasions. It’s not difficult then to imagine why we grow up feeling incomplete and constantly strive to become perfect – when we can finally convince ourselves, and others, of how good and wonderful we are.

Self-acceptance is about making peace with ourselves – with our smarts, looks, health, emotional turmoil, beliefs and leanings; being kinder towards our limitations and not blaming ourselves for the negative events of our life; not judge and criticize, but be forgiving and generous to ourselves. At a deeper level, it also requires recognizing our spiritual identity – how we…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | 9 Comments

Turning Mid-Life Crisis Into An Opportunity

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

There comes a time in our life when a strong feeling of incompleteness gnaws at us. We feel stagnated or unfulfilled at work, sorely miss the romance in our marriage, are frustrated at the rejection from our children, and feel helpless at our receding hairline or expanding waistline. Termed as mid-life crisis and generally occurring sometime in our 40s or 50s, it’s a time of emotional turmoil and unanswered existential questions.

Losing a parent brings us face to face with our own mortality and the thought that we may have fewer years left than we have already lived makes us anxious. Injuries take longer to heal and every heartburn seems like an alarm for something more serious. The realization that there are some life goals we will never hit, contrary to the exuberance of our youthful days, adds to the fear of time running out. We wonder if this is all life has to offer.

The popular response: we add more color to our wardrobe, buy an expensive car or designer merchandise, and start preparing a ‘bucket list’. We seek out new ways to fill our emotional void – some change jobs, others fall out of relationships, we look to start a new hobby, and regroup with our college mates.

The opportunity

Although it’s a passing phase and research suggests that most of us adapt to the new reality and are happier in our 60s, particularly as empty nesters largely relieved of our parental responsibilities, this time of psychological turmoil can be a profound opportunity. If harnessed well, it can be a time of awakening from our blind chase of narrowly defined goals.

Most of us spend the first half of our life pursuing what appear to be the most sought after options – the courses we take, the careers we pursue, or the places to work or live we gravitate towards. Mid-life crisis has the potency to force us to stop, reflect and focus on shaping…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 8 Comments

Taming Our Monkey Mind

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

When was the last time you observed your thoughts – the incessant stream of neural impulses? Our mind, on average, has over 50,000 thoughts in a given day – even while busy with a certain task, it is forever racing ahead with numerous other thoughts – of potential rewards, of missed opportunities, of future actions and so on; more often than not at a neurotic pace.

Besides, for many of us, a large proportion of these thoughts have a negative slant – thoughts like, “I wish I were healthier; I dislike myself for being so socially awkward; I doubt if I will ever be successful; My spouse or colleagues don’t really value me; What if I don’t get promoted or lose my job? I hate my colleague for being so successful, despite his/her incompetence; I wish my children were smarter or respected me more; If only I had taken that step”, are all too commonplace.

The monkey mind

This mental chatter is no passing cloud, but a permanent ‘noise’ in our background. Driven by our karmic imprint and our life experiences, particularly during the impressionable childhood years, the monkey mind is a result of our deep inner insecurity about our physical life form and a constant endeavor to somehow control our destiny.

While some of this noise goads us towards personal and social development, much of it is dysfunctional. It restricts us from fully enjoying the present, resulting in lower effectiveness and a diluted sense of fulfillment from our time and actions. Besides, the negative undertones of many of our thoughts generate heightened emotions of fear, anxiety, anger or envy, making us restless, confused and impulsive.

Moreover, this state of being impacts our health. Persistent mental preoccupation elevates levels of stress hormone, which in turn suppresses our immune and digestive system. They also lead to lower energy levels, disturbed sleep, and an inability to be watchful of what we eat, often gravitating towards processed, sugary options.

Five ideas…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 10 Comments

Spirituality Is No Magic Pill


Photo by h.koppdelaney

While self-realization and spiritual growth is a profound goal to pursue, it is important to be mindful of the fact that spirituality is not a panacea for all our challenges. While spiritual progress offers pathways to heal our varied wounds, we also need to work at resolving our emotional and mental baggage. Unless we simultaneously focus on that, some of our emotional issues keep surfacing, even during the journey of spiritual growth.

For example, if we have grown up with a reserved personality, we are likely to remain aloof in our spiritual practice; if our competitive streak has been our psychological copout for feeling inadequate, we will probably be drawn to constant comparison of our spiritual progress with others; and if chasing success was our defense mechanism for not feeling loved, we may pursue spirituality with the same obsession.

Similarly, if spirituality offers possibilities of leading a more meaningful life, we can readily develop aversion for other lifestyles and judge others based on that. If we increasingly value a life of austerity, we run the risk of looking down on extravagant spenders. If we have begun experiencing greater peace, we can easily find accepting anger of people around us challenging.

Moreover, spiritual practice can become an escape from our emotional demons – issues of anger, loneliness, envy, aversion and judgmental nature; instead, it needs to be a path to face them. Working out our emotional past and conditioned mental patterns, alongside pursuing spiritual insights, paves the way for a more wholesome growth. For example, consciously working with our judgmental nature and limiting mental beliefs, acquired during childhood, can be very supportive in our journey.

Each of us desires to be loved – it’s our primal instinct. However, during our formative years, we subconsciously develop personality traits that seemingly best fulfill this need. Depending upon what helps us gain our parents’ love during childhood, be it conformity, winning, diplomacy, aggression, perfectionism, playing a…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 3 Comments

Thriving In An Alternate Second Career


Photo by Sara

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” ~ American Theologian William Shedd

While the majority of my coaching clients are leaders nominated by their respective organizations, I also work with individuals who directly reach out to me. Of late, I have noticed that one of the common themes that many of these individual clients, particularly in their 40s and 50s, choose to work on is ‘What next?’

They have usually been in a certain career for over twenty years, and generally successful at it. However, while they are not unhappy with where they are, they are no longer excited by their current work and definitely can’t see themselves being in that field for the coming decades of their productive work life.

While I had earlier written a post on the distinction between a job, career and calling (Are you following your calling?) and another one on how to go about discovering such a calling, in this post I would like to share some lessons that I have learnt in my personal journey of leaving a successful corporate career and pursuing an alternate one.

  1. Changing who you are, and not merely what you do

When disturbed or unhappy, we start to believe that the mere change of some of our circumstances would permanently change our emotional state. We are then tempted to actively consider changing jobs, leaving relationships, or moving cities. While some of that might be relevant in specific situations, these changes tend not to have a lasting impact on our state of happiness or fulfillment.

If our ambitious nature had led to a poor work-life balance, irrespective of the professional platform we choose to operate from, we find ourselves overworked. If we tend to be too aggressive or too sensitive in our relationships, changing partners does little to reform that. If we are inclined to be anxious or insecure about the future, changing…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 13 Comments

Addiction of Being ‘Switched On’ 24/7


Photo by Federico Morndo

At the turn of the 1970s, sociologists were concerned that with enhanced technology and increased productivity, we will soon have so much leisure time that we would not know what to do with it.

I knew something was seriously wrong when I recently noticed myself taking my mobile phone yet again to the bathroom, so I could respond to some messages while in there. Having successfully kicked the habit, some years ago, to switch-on my blackberry the first thing in the morning and switch-off the last thing at night, I was certainly falling prey to the old instincts.

Sometimes rationalized as being productive, sociologists have a new term for this phenomenon of being ‘switched on’ all the time – Everydaython – the idea that many of us are trying to run a marathon every day. Between emails, Facebook, apps, chats, videos, and games, this online busyness is an addiction – something we are unable to let go of, despite being aware of its harmful effects.

As Nassim Taleb, the author of Fooled By Randomness, put it, ‘The difference between technology and slavery is that slaves are fully aware that they are not free.’

What is behind this addiction?

Several factors contribute to our belief that being perpetually connected is the only way to be in our modern society.

1. Online activity defines our self-identity

Being busy is not only seen as a necessity, but also considered almost a reflection of our importance. It’s as if attending to emails, or posting Facebook updates and waiting for the response, provides a key purpose to our existence. The sight of numerous notifications energizes us; and receiving too few emails overnight is dissatisfying.

As we get more and more invested in being this way, we begin to subliminally let it define our self-identity. We start to associate our self-worth with the number of emails we receive every day, the number of friends…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 8 Comments

Suffering and Peace: A Thin Divide


Photo by h.koppdelaney

‘The wound is the place where the Light enters you.’ ~ Sufi mystic, Rumi

Buddha professed, ‘Life is a suffering’ and at least at some stage in life, most of us do experience it that way. In some situations, particularly those related to a significant loss – of a loved one, a precious relationship, or a job – our suffering seems irreparable.

However, suffering and peace are two sides of the same coin and there’s merely a thin line separating the two. With greater awareness, understanding, and compassion, it is indeed possible to transform our agony into solace; our restlessness into stillness; and our adversity into a blessing. Suffering provides an exceptional gateway for deeper learning and growth to occur…towards discovering enduring happiness in our life.

In this post, I would like to share three key elements towards transforming our suffering into peacefulness. To better appreciate these, it maybe useful to first identify the central cause of our suffering.

The underlying cause

The single biggest cause of our suffering in life is our attachments. Whenever we feel any kind of emotional pain, we are invariably attached to something that makes the experience stressful. Pain is physical, but suffering is mental – it’s often not the event by itself, but our inner relationship with it that causes the suffering.

Disappointment with any setbacks at work is a result of our attachment to the expectations of specific gains from our efforts; the constant anxiety about our children’s future is an outcome of our attachment with an idealized version of ourselves that we wish our children to grow up into; fear of illness emanates from our attachment with our physical body.

We get attached to pleasurable experiences and worry about the risk of experiencing unpleasant ones; attached to material possessions, we spend inordinate emotional energy either craving for more or being fearful of losing any; our subconscious attempts to honor our attachment to our…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 13 Comments

Start Mindfulness Meditation This New Year


“Meditation is the discovery that the point of life is always arrived at in the present moment.”
– Alan Watts, British-born philosopher

Hope you have had a great start to the New Year. Wish you and your loved ones a very Happy, Healthy and Meaningful year ahead!

This is that time of the year when we tend to reflect on the year gone by and make new personal resolutions for the year ahead. However, if there’s one idea I would love for you to consider this year, it would be to include a few minutes of daily meditation practice in your life.

Our modern lives are so stressful – driven by both, the innumerable opportunities and our insatiable ambition, we lead very fast-paced lives, juggling multiple balls. Unfortunately, despite the significant economic progress around us, as a society, we are not necessarily any happier. Notwithstanding individual successes, many of us experience incompleteness within.

Why meditate

If you can’t eliminate or even reduce stress in your life, maybe you should consider learning ways to better manage it. Meditation is a proven method to achieve exactly that. Besides helping you find greater calm, content and peace, meditation has numerous other benefits.

Significant quantum of research demonstrates that meditation practice can noticeably improve all aspects of an individual’s life – health, relationships, emotional well-being, work productivity and creativity. Independent studies at the National Institute of Health, and at Harvard, reported that regular meditation reduces chronic pain, anxiety, high blood pressure, cholesterol and cortisol, the stress hormone.

Meditation is also proven to increase serotonin production, which influences mood and behavior. Low levels of serotonin are normally associated with depression, obesity, insomnia and headaches. Meditation supports an individual’s growth of self-confidence, calmness, and tolerance. Peaceful thoughts, speech and actions, developed by meditating individuals, lead to greater harmony in their immediate relationships.

How to meditate

Many of my coaching clients are interested in exploring the idea of meditation, but either feel overwhelmed by the available choices…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 5 Comments