Photo by h.koppdelaney

Quizzing my children last week about their new year resolutions, I was somewhat stumped when they asked me mine. While I always have a bunch of different self-improvement ideas floating in my head, I decided to zero in on a few that are most topically relevant for me. However, as I reflected on my list, what struck me was that underneath each of them was one central theme – that of cultivating greater self-acceptance.

The super resolution

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that this has to be at the core of any personal growth agenda. Without deepening self-acceptance, our other efforts at being a better self would be muted.

Self-acceptance is the ability to have a healthy affirmation of oneself and our uniqueness. It entails becoming totally comfortable with our strengths and weak spots; an ability to unconditionally love ourselves for who we are. It’s not about having an unrealistic high opinion (or a low opinion) of oneself, but a healthy perspective of oneself. This does not mean that we become complacent with where we are; the difference is our striving to become better does not come from a sense of inadequacy then.

So many of our experiences, particularly during the impressionable years of childhood, are based on negative feedback on who we are – supposedly incompetent at many things and incapable of brilliance on numerous occasions. It’s not difficult then to imagine why we grow up feeling incomplete and constantly strive to become perfect – when we can finally convince ourselves, and others, of how good and wonderful we are.

Self-acceptance is about making peace with ourselves – with our smarts, looks, health, emotional turmoil, beliefs and leanings; being kinder towards our limitations and not blaming ourselves for the negative events of our life; not judge and criticize, but be forgiving and generous to ourselves. At a deeper level, it also requires recognizing our spiritual identity – how we are an outcome of our past and relating to all our experiences as merely learning opportunities in our soul’s eternal journey of evolution.

How self-acceptance is at the core of many other resolutions

Self-acceptance is a significant theme and tackles several other resolutions that we may have. Here are a few that I was initially considering, but felt would now automatically get addressed.

1. Be more grateful and generous

Driven by our achievement-orientation, coupled with constant need to compare, we invariably gravitate towards thinking about what’s missing in our life rather than be grateful for all the blessings we have. I would like to remind myself of the same more frequently, live with more gratefulness and be more generous towards all others.

Cultivating greater self-acceptance paves the way for realizing our true nature and that in turn is bound to make us feel more grateful. As we operate from a place of abundance (and not inadequacy), the inherent goodness within each of us overflows in the form of authentic generosity. We are then kind towards others not because we should be, but from the sheer joy of it. Besides, we find it easy to forgive ourselves and others.

2. Be less judgmental

We judge others all the time. Not only does it distort our perception of others, but it also restricts our ability to deepen our relationships. I would like to be less judgmental about others – their values, idiosyncrasies and approach to life; instead, continue to develop empathy for others and be more open to accepting their differences, in outlook and behavior, as an outcome of their unique make-up.

Now, the way we judge others is a function of the way we judge ourselves. It’s the traits we are uncomfortable within ourselves that we find challenging to accept in others. As we pay attention to accepting ourselves the way we are – with all our limitations, temptations and waywardness from the social norms – it automatically raises our ability to accept others as they are.

3. Be fearless of others’ perception of us

Human beings are social animals and we are predictably impacted by how we are perceived by others around us. We derive a considerable part of our self-identity from how others relate to us and activities that decrease our relative status, or even merely create the fear of decline in status, result in release of stress hormones. The risk of social rejection is paralyzing for us.

I would like to lead a life determined largely by my own personal values, purpose and inner yardsticks. This requires being our authentic self, willing to be vulnerable, overcoming the fear of being judged, and strengthening our inner compass. Fostering self-acceptance allows us to deeply love the child within and gives us the inner confidence to be who we are, comfortable in our own skin.

4. Be more present

Practicing mindfulness has been a huge source of support in my efforts at learning to be more present. However, as I have gotten busier, I can see the fault lines appearing on this front and during this year I would like to work on that. I would like to be less moved by cravings (for gain and pleasure) and aversion (towards pain and loss); be less guided by what could have been or what should be, much more open to what is.

Focusing on improving self-acceptance should help reengage in this process. Self-acceptance supports us in realizing that at our core we are whole, complete and perfect the way we are and no event, positive or negative, in the past or the future, can alter that; and that the only way to create a better self in the future is to accept ourselves fully in the present.

Making it stick

Here are three ideas that could be supportive towards cultivating greater self-acceptance.

• Include a few minutes of loving-kindness in our meditation routine – to become more perceptive towards loving our whole self; and strengthen equanimity so as to not chase after an idealized version of self.
• Frequently reflect on affirmations like ‘I am an integral part of a perfect universe and I am complete, whole and perfect the way I am’, ‘I am unconditionally loved by the universe and don’t need to prove anything to anyone’, and ‘I am willing to let go of any attachment to my mistakes, regrets and misgivings, and welcome love, forgiveness and generosity in my life’.
• Examine what makes us uncomfortable within ourselves (or in others). Reflect on how those beliefs may not necessarily be true and what alternate beliefs might be healthier and serve us well.

(This is an expanded version of an article that I had written for the Speaking Tree column of The Times of India)