Category: Self-growth

Why NGO Leaders Are Not Necessarily Happy

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

In my coaching practice, close to fifteen percent of my time is reserved for founders and leaders of the social-sector; and I get to work with some inspirational individuals. They are usually doing some incredible work and engaging with them is energizing. However, while each one of them is deeply passionate about their cause, this does not always translate into their higher personal happiness.

For example, Steve, a visionary leader of a voluntary organization I was working with, was deeply committed to making a substantial difference in the lives of the under-privileged. Having positively impacted over a thousand lives in his community, he was keen to expand his social program to the entire state and one day perhaps to the nation. Stretched by his ambition, he found himself considerably stressed and while in his early forties, he had become hypertensive.

Then there was Alok, leader of a global NGO that I worked with – not only was he very inspired by his social cause, but also had big ambitions around making a large impact in the society. While he loved his work, he routinely felt insecure within and was generally quite unhappy.

Purpose provides meaning, but is not enough for deeper happiness

While I notice that the happiness levels of people in the social-sector tend to be somewhat higher than their peers in the business world, their scores on the happiness test are not uniformly or unusually high. Although working in the social sector is uniquely challenging as the severity of resource-constraint in these organizations is invariably much greater than in the business enterprises, that is not the primary reason for their happiness levels to be sometimes lower than expected.

Trying to get to the bottom of this, I have come to recognize that while committing to a life of purpose provides meaning to our existence, which in turn aids our feeling happier and fulfilled, we still need to consciously do the personal work on…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Self-growth | 6 Comments

My Struggles With Hitting A Stationary Ball: 5 Life Lessons I Learnt From Golf


“They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.” ~ Professional golfer Gardner Dickinson

Golf is a peculiar game, undoubtedly unlike any other. Hitting a stationery ball with a sizeable club shouldn’t be too challenging. But it is. Not only is it hard enough to get the swing mechanics involving several moving parts of the body right, but there’s also the additional challenge arising from the role the player’s state of mind plays in hitting the shot – every ounce of our inner demons gets amplified on the golf course.

As much as I have struggled playing the sport (I remain at best a very average recreational golfer after all these years), I have not only enjoyed the challenge, but also learnt a number of life lessons on the course. Here are five that I would love to share with you.

1. Play your own game

Playing against my competitive son (he’s nineteen and beating Dad is a high!), I realised that I was much better off playing my own game rather than trying to beat him at his. I am routinely tempted to emulate other golfers’ techniques in the hope of improving mine – invariably messing up mine further. I have come to appreciate that there are many paths to heaven and knowing my own strengths and limitations and playing to those affords me the best chance.

Likewise in life, unless we are deeply centred within, we easily get influenced by what’s popular around us – and trying to chase what’s popular not only alienates us from ourselves, but also leads to higher stress and lack of inner fulfilment.

Further, as much as learning the swing technique is important, it’s execution on the course is squarely impacted by our mental state. As legendary golfer Sam Snead observed, ‘Of all the hazards on the golf course, fear is the worst’. Feelings of fear, anxiety, embarrassment, and over-excitement routinely flood my mind on the course. Similarly, unless we consciously work on…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 6 Comments

Conquering The Everest Within


When Bachendri Pal, the first Indian woman to climb the Mount Everest, was addressing a gathering of corporate professionals, one of the leaders in the audience asked, “Your life seems so complete, but you have set such a high benchmark of accomplishment for the rest of us that our lives can never feel remarkable enough.” Reflecting on the question, Ms. Pal responded, “We all have an Everest within us, that we can aim to conquer.”

So true. Each of us has our own share of inner challenges that are worth overcoming. They come in the form of our heightened fears, insecurity, jealousy, doubts, aggression, laziness, anger, judgmental nature and so on. While we get easily consumed by chase of material progress, we lose sight of the deeper and more meaningful work that we can do within ourselves.

Why bother?

Unless our inner personality issues are resolved, they continue to haunt us in all aspects of our life. Our emotional volatility leads to dissatisfying relationships, our distorted self-image hinders good judgment, our limiting beliefs produce imbalance and sub-optimal health, and our lack of clear purpose in life results in undercurrents of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment.

As Mahatma Gandhi said, ‘Working on ourselves is the noblest deed we can do in this world.’ Behind every great individual is a burning desire to overcome their inner demons – what made Gandhi an inspirational leader was his commitment to be fearless of his oppressors, what made Mother Teresa exceptional was her devotion to nurture her selfless nature. Such work builds character, leads to a more meaningful life, and offers a great sense of personal accomplishment and completeness. Moreover, our individual progress in this way makes our world a better place.

6 steps to the path within

1.  Acknowledge your personal Everest

To embark on this journey, you need to begin by first recognizing what your personal Everest is. What comes in the way of your building deeper relationships? What holds you back from enjoying greater success at work? How do…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 4 Comments

Nepal And Other Disasters: Making Sense Of Human Suffering

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

Over two million children have been impacted by the recent Nepal earthquake; over half a million people rendered homeless; and thousands dead.

Natural disasters routinely play havoc with our lives and their impact is staggering. Behind each of these statistics are untold heart-rending stories of individual human suffering – of orphaned children, destroyed marriages, parents who lost their child, and the innumerable others who face the prospect of a life full of agony and hardships.

These events shake us to the core – and our faith. For the religious amongst us, we wonder about the existence of God and his justice – why would he want millions of innocent people to suffer this way. For the spiritual, it’s baffling to come to terms with the extent of individual suffering and what caused it. I have been wrestling with these questions lately and here are my thoughts.

Three concepts worth reviewing

1. Nature and its laws

Natural disasters are not disasters in themselves. They are events that emanate from the natural working of the universe and follow its laws. However, as humans, we are conditioned by our bi-polar evaluation of every situation as good or bad based on how it affects us. Given the scale of physical, emotional and financial damage such events wreck on human life, we clearly take them personally and experience them as evil.

The universe is unfolding as it needs to. The sun rises and sets as it needs to, the clouds turn into rain as they need to, and the plants are born – some to become trees and some to die early – as they need to. Likewise, earthquakes, volcanoes and cyclones are a natural outcome of earth’s evolutionary process. 

2. Human will and individual karma

When impacted by these events, we do gravitate to wondering if it’s our personal fault or bad karma. Questions like, why is this happening to me, what have I done to deserve this, is this God or Universe’s way…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | Comments Off on Nepal And Other Disasters: Making Sense Of Human Suffering

Reinventing Yourself In VUCA Times

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

We live in VUCA, short for Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous, times. Irrespective of our profession or life-cycle stage, VUCA defines our environment. There’s persistent volatility in right from the financial markets to our personal relationships, increased uncertainty of policies, competition and employment in our profession, heightened complexity emanating from the onslaught of globalization and technology in our lives, and amplified ambiguity in the criteria for making numerous life choices.

However, how much we are impacted by VUCA is merely a reflection of our disconnect with our inner self. In our modern society, we have become addicted to looking outside of ourselves for visible measures of success, like the job title, size of the house, and the brand of our car. Additionally, we are caught up in the notion of relative success – obsessed not with how well we are doing, but how we are doing compared to our peers and our social network. Hence, any circumstances that create uncertainty or volatility on these external measures are a source of significant inner turmoil for us.

To better deal with external volatility, we need to build the anchor of greater inner stillness; to gain confidence in an uncertain world, we need to develop deeper self-awareness and strengthen our inner self; to cut through the complexity of our environment, we need to simplify our life by committing our life to a singular meaningful purpose; and to eliminate the ambiguity arising from competing life choices, we need to commit to living a life guided by our personal values and inner yardsticks. That is a real pathway for reinventing ourselves in VUCA times.

Here is a 4-step approach that can help us towards this.

1.  Learning to reconnect with our inner self

In our fast paced life, we need to pause by creating time for regular reflection. Creating such quiet moments allows us to connect with our inner values and raise self-awareness at all levels of our being – understanding our…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 2 Comments

Shifting From Transactional To Transformational Conversations

Photo by torbakhopper
Photo by torbakhopper

Our fast-paced modern lives dictate shorter conversations. In the age of 140-characters long messages and 60-second sound bites, our interactions are truncated to the bare essentials. With lack of time, our conversations have become transactional.

Our interactions at work revolve around discussing tasks for meeting deadlines for our daily and weekly goals. We spend much of our limited time with our children chasing them for routine matters like, eating their meals, finishing their homework, and sleeping in time. Our conversations with our life partner quickly deteriorate into merely managing our busy lives.

Limitations to the way we interact

This approach has serious implications for all our relationships, particularly as leaders and parents. Task-oriented conversations with our team-members don’t inspire them and instead, drain their energy. Such conversations fail to tap in to their deeper interest, aspirations, and sources of intrinsic motivation, resulting in lower levels of employee engagement.

Likewise, with children, supporting them merely in their daily pursuits diminishes the role we can play, as parents, to help them discover their potential, deepen their self-awareness or strengthen their value system. Between life partners, the transactional conversations dull the ability to deeply connect with each other and grow the shared love.

Transformational conversations

While we do need some of the transactional conversations to get by in our daily lives, there’s an opportunity for us to move many of our conversations to being transformational. Fewer transformational conversations maybe more powerful and effective than numerous transactional ones. Transformational conversations tend to be deeper, reflective, supportive, and insightful.

They invariably lead to newer insights, higher self-awareness, and move us forward in a meaningful way – we are usually no longer the same person we were before the conversation. Such conversations allow us to create inspired teams, thoughtful children, and reform our closest relationships.

Besides, transformational conversations are emotionally healing too – they result in a direct experience of compassion within us that in turn has psycho-physiological effects that restore the body’s natural healing and…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | Comments Off on Shifting From Transactional To Transformational Conversations

Reform This Belief, Transform Your Life

Photo by h. koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

Our actions and behavior are a result of our thoughts and emotions; which in turn are dictated by our conditioned beliefs. In order to experience real change in our life, we need to start by examining our underlying beliefs. One of the most powerful subconscious beliefs, that powers our life, is that achieving certain goals in the future will somehow resolve most of our challenges of the present. It is our deep-rooted belief around ‘doing, having, and being’.

Doing, Having and Being

Consequently, we are possessed by the mental commentary that once I can do this (get promoted, expand my business, lose weight, get my kids to college), I will have that (more money, success, time, recognition, friends) and I will be there (happy, fulfilled, connected, proud, grateful). While there’s some truth to that, particularly in the short-term, in the broader sense, it is an illusory belief.

For example, when the much awaited promotion does come along, we quickly realize that we do not necessarily have the extra time we had longed for or the sense of fulfillment we had conveniently assumed. On the contrary, not only do we become busier, but also find ourselves setting sights on the future goal – the next promotion. In the process, we routinely put our life on hold and keep postponing our happiness to another day in the future.

From Doing to Being

To transform our life to be more meaningful and happy throughout its journey, we need to reform this belief. We need to alter the sequence of the above belief to ‘being, doing, and having’. We need to start with what we deeply want to be, and let that guide us on what we do and have trust that with that, we will have all that we need to have.

For example, ask yourself whether you would like to be more successful or happier. If you had to make a choice at work, who would you rather be…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | 8 Comments

One Super Resolution Worth Pursuing

Photo by h. koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

Quizzing my children last week about their new year resolutions, I was somewhat stumped when they asked me mine. While I always have a bunch of different self-improvement ideas floating in my head, I decided to zero in on a few that are most topically relevant for me. However, as I reflected on my list, what struck me was that underneath each of them was one central theme – that of cultivating greater self-acceptance.

The super resolution

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that this has to be at the core of any personal growth agenda. Without deepening self-acceptance, our other efforts at being a better self would be muted.

Self-acceptance is the ability to have a healthy affirmation of oneself and our uniqueness. It entails becoming totally comfortable with our strengths and weak spots; an ability to unconditionally love ourselves for who we are. It’s not about having an unrealistic high opinion (or a low opinion) of oneself, but a healthy perspective of oneself. This does not mean that we become complacent with where we are; the difference is our striving to become better does not come from a sense of inadequacy then.

So many of our experiences, particularly during the impressionable years of childhood, are based on negative feedback on who we are – supposedly incompetent at many things and incapable of brilliance on numerous occasions. It’s not difficult then to imagine why we grow up feeling incomplete and constantly strive to become perfect – when we can finally convince ourselves, and others, of how good and wonderful we are.

Self-acceptance is about making peace with ourselves – with our smarts, looks, health, emotional turmoil, beliefs and leanings; being kinder towards our limitations and not blaming ourselves for the negative events of our life; not judge and criticize, but be forgiving and generous to ourselves. At a deeper level, it also requires recognizing our spiritual identity – how we…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | 9 Comments

Passionate Detachment: The Sweet Spot of Life

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

If you are familiar with any ball sport – tennis, cricket, or golf, you would perhaps know what it takes to hit the ball on the sweet spot. Well, you’ve got to be focused and relaxed. Sounds odd, isn’t it? Ordinarily, we can either be focused or relaxed; how do you be both? But then bringing together these almost paradoxical opposites, in an optimal balance, is what the sweet spot of life is about.

The Sweet Spot

For example, this sweet spot is about finding a balance between success and meaning. On the one hand, if we are single-mindedly chasing success, without connecting to a deeper purpose, we start to lack meaning in our life; on the other, if we are pursuing our passion, but don’t experience sufficient success with it, we can feel frustrated.

It’s the same with our relationships. Being aggressive and always pushing our point of view makes us less lovable, but being submissive and not expressing ourselves fully results in our needs not being met. Instead, attaining a healthy midpoint, of being assertive and authentic, allows us to build deeper relationships. It’s a place where we are firm but polite, hold our ground but are respectful of others’ perspective, are sensitive to others’ feelings and yet authentic in expressing ourselves more fully.

Likewise, with parenting – loving our children, without setting healthy boundaries, spoils them; but then, enforcing limits, without offering unconditional love, suffocates them. Most of us tend to be either authoritarian (too strict) or permissive (too lenient) in our approach. A fine balance exists between these opposites, where we love the children unconditionally, without constantly judging them, and set up age-appropriate limits for them, through an open dialogue.

As I explain in my new book, Discovering Your Sweet Spot, the sweet spot is the place in life where we feel balanced in every way – between, work and family, physical and emotional well-being, mental and spiritual growth,…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Relationships, Self-growth, Spiritual | 15 Comments

Turning Mid-Life Crisis Into An Opportunity

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

There comes a time in our life when a strong feeling of incompleteness gnaws at us. We feel stagnated or unfulfilled at work, sorely miss the romance in our marriage, are frustrated at the rejection from our children, and feel helpless at our receding hairline or expanding waistline. Termed as mid-life crisis and generally occurring sometime in our 40s or 50s, it’s a time of emotional turmoil and unanswered existential questions.

Losing a parent brings us face to face with our own mortality and the thought that we may have fewer years left than we have already lived makes us anxious. Injuries take longer to heal and every heartburn seems like an alarm for something more serious. The realization that there are some life goals we will never hit, contrary to the exuberance of our youthful days, adds to the fear of time running out. We wonder if this is all life has to offer.

The popular response: we add more color to our wardrobe, buy an expensive car or designer merchandise, and start preparing a ‘bucket list’. We seek out new ways to fill our emotional void – some change jobs, others fall out of relationships, we look to start a new hobby, and regroup with our college mates.

The opportunity

Although it’s a passing phase and research suggests that most of us adapt to the new reality and are happier in our 60s, particularly as empty nesters largely relieved of our parental responsibilities, this time of psychological turmoil can be a profound opportunity. If harnessed well, it can be a time of awakening from our blind chase of narrowly defined goals.

Most of us spend the first half of our life pursuing what appear to be the most sought after options – the courses we take, the careers we pursue, or the places to work or live we gravitate towards. Mid-life crisis has the potency to force us to stop, reflect and focus on shaping…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 8 Comments