Category: Self-growth

Yeh Dil Maange More! (…Or This Heart Craves for More)


Do you sometime notice a sense of restlessness within you – a subtle feeling of wanting more from life; a desire for more success, more happiness, more wealth, more comfort, more love, more acknowledgement, more friends, more wisdom, more time, more fun or more healthy years?

Initially, I thought this was a fleeting feeling that arose from time to time, but I have now come to recognize that its subtle presence can be a persistent one; it’s undercurrents a constant companion. While this feeling is the source of fuel that moves us forward, it is also the cause of our discontent in life. How we quickly get used to any new circumstances in life and start nurturing these cravings from thereon.

If we had been dreaming about buying a Toyota Corolla, no sooner than we get to buy it, we get used to it and start eyeing the Camry. Not that the guy driving the Camry is any happier as he’s wondering when is he going to get his next upgrade.

3 Reasons For Our Discontentment

1. Belief that more is better

In our achievement-oriented society, more is often synonymous with better – the underlying belief that the person with more is likely to be happier; that more success, more money equates to greater happiness. Further, the capitalistic philosophy of ‘winner takes all’ and its tempting, instant and disproportionate rewards make us constantly yearn for more. Further, high decibel advertising touting the latest consumer products reinforces our sense of inadequacy.

As a result, we subconsciously dedicate our life to seeking perfection in all aspects of our life – from perfect looking teeth and perfectly shaped body- even if it means undergoing cosmetic surgery- to the most desirable perfume and the perfect partner. In the process, we develop a lop-sided sense of priorities and end up living a poor inner life because we are constantly thinking…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 12 Comments

‘MOODS’: The Make-up of Our Unhappiness Gene


Happiness has been a conscious pursuit of mine lately. Driven by a quest for deeper meaning and in search of a purposeful life, I left the seductive life of a corporate executive some years ago. Since then, examining, exploring, and experimenting with happiness has been kind of a hobby. I have also developed a happiness test (please click here to check your happiness score) and have pored over the positive shifts my clients- and I personally- have experienced on the happiness scale over time.

Born to be happy (or unhappy)
I have come to believe that some people are simply born with a happiness gene. They lead a happier life irrespective of their circumstances or their station in life. They are happy whether they are materially successful or not; marry a loving partner or not; win or lose; are healthy or ailing and so forth.

However, they are a minority. For the rest of us, we instinctively drift towards unhappy feelings, as if we carry a dominant unhappiness gene that’s continually ready to assert itself. The consequent unhappiness ranges from subconscious undercurrents of incompleteness, constant desire for more and lack of joy to substantive sadness, anxiety and moments of depression. However, any of us can discover real happiness – just that for the majority of us, this requires making a conscious effort.

From some of my work in this area, I could not help observe the key symptoms of this unhappiness gene. Developing an understanding of these has been very helpful in working through my personal moments of confusion, anxiety and unhappiness as well as those of my clients.

‘MOODS’
MOODS is an acronym I have coined to capture the five key traits of this so-called unhappiness gene. It stands for Me, Overwhelmed, Obsessive, DIY and Set in stone. Let me elaborate what they mean and some quick thoughts on what we can do neutralize them.

Me
‘Me’ represents our self-centered instincts to take…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 11 Comments

Anger: The Temptation and Its Antidote


Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility. Instigated by any number of triggers – someone cutting our lane on the freeway, a child not following our advice, the spouse saying something that appears hurtful, a colleague’s aggressively worded e-mail or somebody’s actions that simply appear unjust, it’s an emotional state that ranges from minor irritation to intense rage.

The temptation

We are easily tempted into anger. Often, the underlying factor bringing up anger is a sense of lack of control – a perceived threat to getting what we want. This temptation for control is rooted in our ego and in our attachment with specific outcomes.

Further, anger originates from the tempting belief that the real source of our unhappiness or provocation is entirely external to us and is hence targeted at an external object or person. It’s always someone else’s inappropriate behaviour that’s the cause of our anger. At least that’s how we rationalise our outbursts anyway!

Anger also resides in the conviction that a burst of aggressive energy aimed at the other person would improve the situation. The child would change his/ her ways, the subordinate would start behaving in a desirable manner and the spouse would listen to us more often.

Its toxic impact

Anger is an emotional illness and has some serious consequences for us. While small and occasional releases of cortisol can provide the body a quick burst of energy during emergencies, uncontrolled and frequent anger has a host of harmful effects on our personal and social well-being.

The physical effects of anger include increased levels of heart rate, blood pressure and breathing rate. Anger also activates the release of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, which in turn impair the ability of the brain to function optimally. Anger creates blood sugar imbalance and suppresses the body’s immune system.

When angry, we are unable to make judicious choices – in such a state, sometimes, we are indeed out of our mind! Further,…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 3 Comments

Chasing A Crooked Shadow


“There was a man who was so disturbed by the sight of his own shadow and so displeased with his own footsteps that he determined to get rid of both. The method he hit upon was to run away from them, so he got up and ran, but every time he put his foot down, there was another step, and all this while his shadow kept up with him too without the slightest difficulty. He attributed his failure to the fact that he was not running fast enough. So he ran faster and faster, without stopping, until he finally dropped dead. He failed to realize that if he merely stepped into the shade, his shadow would vanish, and if he sat down and stayed still, there would be no more footsteps.”

This parable from the Chinese philosopher, Chuang Tzu, aptly captures the common reality of our lives. So many of our experiences, particularly during the impressionable years of childhood, are based on negative feedback on who we are – supposedly incompetent at many things and incapable of brilliance on numerous occasions and so on.

It’s not difficult to imagine then why we grow up feeling incomplete and constantly strive to become perfect – when we can finally convince ourselves, and others, of how good and wonderful we are. This insecurity and sense of incompleteness drives us to chase bigger goals. However, because of the lack of deeper fulfillment, each summit we climb appears only like the bottom of the next peak.

Further, since the reference for determining our greatness is always others, the reality that there’s always someone who’s stronger, richer, more beautiful or more knowledgeable than us is hard to swallow – “we are disturbed by the sight of our own shadow and weaknesses.” What do we do then, we try even harder – “but the shadow, the footsteps and our sense of lack won’t go away.”

Till we make the paradigm shift. Not by…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 3 Comments

Simplify Your Life This New Year!


This is the season for resolutions. I reckon you have considered one or two yourself. Unfortunately, as the year progresses, most New Year resolutions tend to fall by the wayside and end up as mere intents. Here’s an insightful approach towards creating a life that’s not only happier and more fulfilling, but one that also automatically responds to your most meaningful resolutions.

We complicate life
Driven sometimes by ambition and other times by a sense of inner incompleteness, we instinctively immerse ourselves in a myriad of pursuits. We often act out of the fear of losing out, compared to our peers or our social network.

We would rather be overwhelmed than miss out on the slightest chance to please the boss, make more money, enhance our status, accumulate more clothes or gadgets, or go to the extra social event. We also find it hard to let up on instantly responding to text messages, checking our e-mails or facebook accounts multiple times a day or randomly watching television.

What suffers in the process is our attention to our most important priorities – the ones that actually make us feel fulfilled and happier. No wonder then we are unable to see through many of our resolutions, the New Year ones being no exception.

First, the familiar lesson
“A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2” in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So, the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed. 

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled everything else. “Now,” said the professor, “I want you…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 7 Comments

Are you the Aggressor or the Victim?


Photo by Tiffany

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new lands but seeing with new eyes” – Marcel Proust

Our childhood experiences, coupled with our genetic makeup, significantly influence the type of emotional personality we acquire as adults. Our sense of self-esteem, temperament, perceptiveness, relationship skills, and ability to give and receive love are directly impacted with these factors.

Based on different combinations of these attributes, there are surely a large number of distinct personality types possible (please also see my earlier post on Being Myself). However, there are two types namely, the aggressor and the victim, that are prominently displayed in our relationships. Unfortunately, living either of these archetypes limits us from enjoying deeper and more loving relationships.

The Victim
As the title suggests, people with a Victim personality believe that they are the victims of the world – that the others do not care for their emotions and that they are routinely left alone to fend for themselves. They tend to be inward looking and are easily given to self-blame. Experiencing any setback, they are quick to judge and blame themselves for their situation. These aspects are partly a reflection of their low self-esteem.

They also have a propensity to be reserved, introverted and uncomfortable with any form of confrontation. Operating from a strong fear of rejection, they would rather conform than confront, to avoid the risk of being in the wrong and not being loved. Consequently, instead of sharing freely, they are prone to instinctively suppressing their true emotions.

However, these suppressed emotions of frustration and disappointment eventually do get released, in the form of sudden bursts of anger. To the others, these bursts are usually unexplainable, as the immediate trigger is generally somewhat insignificant. Some of these factors make it challenging for such individuals to have deep and honest relationships – in fact, many of them have difficulty with intimacy, lest their true selves be discovered.

The Aggressor
The Aggressors are almost the opposite. They…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 3 Comments

Demystifying Death


Death is not a subject we often think about or are even comfortable talking about. In fact, a number of contemporary sociologists believe that despite widespread liberalization of thought in modern times, death is one of the topics where the extent of taboo has actually grown. What is death?

An important law of physics, the law of conservation of energy, states that the total amount of energy in a closed, or isolated, system remains constant over time. What this means is that in such a system, energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can however change forms. We also know from Einstein’s theory of relativity that mass and energy are one and the same thing. Thus, we can infer that in a closed system, the total mass and energy of the system stay unchanged over time.

Given that the universe is such a closed system, it is understandable that there is no new energy or mass being created inside it; there’s instead a shuffling and metamorphosis of forms that’s happening constantly. Take the example of a snowflake, an ice cube, a water droplet and a steam vapor. What do you notice is common in here? All these are nothing but different expressions of the same entity. While the underlying essence of each of these forms is water, we attach different labels to each of the forms and, in the process, get distracted from connecting with the truth.

This is what explains death. The universe is constantly evolving and, in the process, continues to take different forms– galaxies, stars, planets, animals, plants and humans. All the forms arise from the universe and dissolve into it, but are neither born nor die. Death is a concept of the mind and of its identification with the body form.

Consider the life cycle of a butterfly. It starts with an egg that gets fertilized and hatched into a caterpillar; the caterpillar grows in size, sheds its last skin and…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 5 Comments

Discovering Your Calling


In one of my earlier posts (Are you following your calling), I had talked about the difference between pursuing a job, career or your calling and the impact pursuing your calling has on your level of happiness at work.

Now, following your calling is understandably easier said than done. How do you even go about the crucial step of discovering your calling? If you are not one of the lucky few, who somehow landed themselves in what they truly love, what can you consciously do about it?

Here are some steps that can support you in that discovery.

Set aside time for reflection
I believe each one of us is uniquely gifted and has a special purpose on earth. However, we get so caught up in the treadmill of our fast-paced lives that we fail to discover this purpose. Slowing down is essential for developing deeper clarity.

You need to create time and space to reflect on what is most important for you – do you want to be more successful or make a significant contribution; do you want more money or be happier; do you value social recognition or inner fulfillment; what role does family and community have for you and so forth.

Plan for those reflective moments, maybe 10-15 minutes every day or at least some every week.

Create a powerful vision
As is said, “If you can see it and believe in it, it will happen.”

We all have fleeting ideas, from time to time, of what we would like our life to be about. The idea of a vision is about articulating them cogently.

Write a note, describing in vivid detail, what you envision your ideal life to be like – not just work life, but your entire life. What kind of work would you be engaged in, what would you like most about it, what would your typical work day look like, what would you be busy with outside of work,…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 4 Comments

The Grand Illusion!


One fish said to the other, “Do you believe in this ocean that they talk about?”

So goes an ancient Chinese saying and I think it well illustrates how narrow our vision of the world and the universe can be. We see the world from our limited perceptual framework. Despite an overwhelming evolution of the human race, the human mind is severely restricted by what it can perceive through the senses.

What we hear is limited by the frequencies our ears can process – dogs can hear many higher frequencies and hence have a very different perception of the same sounds. Our sight is limited by the light frequencies our eyes can relate to; since pit vipers can sense heat from infrared rays (somewhat like the night vision goggles), they must construct the same world rather differently.

Further, from our knowledge of science, we know so many things are just not what they appear to be – the sky isn’t blue, only the scattering of the blue light absorbed by the atmosphere makes it appear so; the moon doesn’t rise in the night; and the house we live in is not standstill, but rotates along with the earth. Essentially, we see, hear and process what we can and not what the reality is.

Besides the human handicap in picking up the absolute truth in the first place, our perceptions are further clouded by our personal thoughts and emotions. As Anais Nin, the French author, beautifully articulated, ‘We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are.’ Our thoughts and emotions project their own hues and colors to whatever we observe.

What is the truth then?

The ultimate truth is that everything in the universe is made up of energy. All beings- the plants, animals and all of humanity- are manifestations of the same energy. This vital spiritual force breathes life into every living being and sustains every cell and organism. This enormous field, of…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Self-growth, Spiritual | 3 Comments

To Create a New Reality, Start with Your Beliefs…


“Our life is what our thoughts make it.” – Marcus Aurelius

One of the principles of the journey of personal mastery that I have been writing about is self-responsibility: taking charge of ourselves and putting into practice all the meaningful ideas that emerge from our efforts at raising self-awareness. It is about making conscious choices that help us breakaway from our conditioned responses and instead create a new reality for us.

Self-responsibility is grounded in the tenet that the real change lies within us and that the only way to change our world is to change ourselves. It demands that we are open-minded about the capacity in each of us to discover- and implement- our unique solutions to our personal dilemmas.

It relies on the conviction that all of us do have a choice in every situation – the notion that it’s not what happens to us, but how we react to it that makes the real difference; the understanding that our inner thoughts have the power to create the reality we want to experience; and that we are indeed the co-creators of the world we inhabit.

Changing habits
Since humans are creatures of habit, real change is possible only by changing our deep-rooted habits.

Instead of trying to undo well-ingrained old habits, it is more effective to introduce new positive ones. Working with new habits makes the process of change far more positive and solution-oriented and is hence more empowering. For example, instead of working on how not to get angry frequently, it’s more effective to focus on being calmer more often.

These habit changes often operate at different layers of our personality. Starting from our behavior patterns, they encompass working with our thought processes, emotional responses and our fundamental beliefs. Practicing to stay calm in the face of a disturbing stimulus, becoming accustomed to actively appreciating one’s colleagues or sticking to a diet plan are all examples of desired behavioral changes.

Even so, at a deeper level, they…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 4 Comments