The news of the latest promotions was devastating for Francis. He was one of the leading candidates for the Chief Strategy Officer role and had been anxious for months to get it. Not only did he not get the position, but one of his peers was going to be his new manager. He felt let down and sad. He felt sorry for himself and was deeply concerned about his stature within and outside the firm. Anxiety had found a real toehold.
Francis’ experience is not unusual. We all routinely experience significant anxiety about our business targets, financial rewards, social status, parents’ health, children’s future, personal well-being and so forth. Underlying all such anxiety is an established pattern – first established by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotional Behavioural Therapy, it’s the pattern of ABC.
The ABC of it
‘A’ stands for adversity. It indicates any kind of setback that we experience or anticipate experiencing. ‘C’ represents the consequences of that setback – how we emotionally experience it. Whether we feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, worried, helpless etc.
While we are quick to rationalise how ‘A’ directly leads to our state of ‘C’, there is invariably a factor in-between these two states. The factor of ‘B’. ‘B’ stands for our beliefs. All our thoughts and feelings emanate from our deep-seated beliefs. These personal beliefs determine the consequences of adversity for each of us – how we feel with every real or anticipated setback.
There are two kinds of beliefs that particularly contribute towards our anxiety. The first center around the absolute necessity of certain outcomes in our mind. I absolutely must get promoted; my children absolutely must love me as much I love them; I absolutely must never do any thing less than perfect. The absolute nature of such mental demands creates anxiety. Besides, not achieving these absolute goals results in our feeling like a failure. The second set of unhelpful beliefs are usually around our desire for approval by others. We wish for others to really like us. If any of the adversities endangers our perception of our likability, we feel gravely anxious.
Francis had a strong belief that his self-worth is defined primarily by his success at work and that being passed on for this promotion spells doom for his future. He also believed that his colleagues would naturally start judging him poorly.
Managing such anxiety – the D and E
The key to altering the recurring pattern of anxiety arising from the common triggers of adversity, is to examine our related beliefs. ‘D’ is for disputing those beliefs. Is it true that I absolutely must get promoted to have greater self-worth or be happier? Consider reframing this belief. While a promotion would be nice, it’s not that I can’t survive without it; If I continue to focus on building relevant skills, the promotion will follow at the right time; being successful at work is merely one part of who I am and not being at the top does not make me a lesser person.
Likewise, we need to dispute the other dominant belief: that your colleagues would now think less of you. You cannot let what people think of you determine what you think of yourself. (Read: Obsessed with self-improvement, try self-acceptance) Further, people will judge you based on not how they feel about the adversity, but how you do. If you are resilient and positive, they would be too.
‘E’ is for establishing effective beliefs and strategies – that are healthier and serve you well. As Francis started examining his limiting beliefs and embracing healthier ones, he began to feel significantly more positive. (Read: To create a new reality, start with examining your beliefs)
This ABC – DE tool.followed by some serious Socratic questioning can really help in getting a grip on limiting beliefs and flushing them down the drain.
Great article
Great article.
{ABC-DE} = F {Firmness of mind}
🙂
Wonderful article !
{ABC-DE} = F +G {‘Grounded’ in reality}
Good point, Rajiv.
I’m trying to understand how it will work. Adversity moves to Consequence through my Beliefs. If the Consequence is unpleasant, I need to look at my Beliefs to see if it really need be unpleasant.
Is there anyway I can avoid the unpleasantness to start with? Or am I being greedy?
Thanks!
It starts with noticing our underlying beliefs (every time we experience the consequences), but with time and practice we can minimize every adverse event creating the old pattern of consequences.
Essentially, there are two aspects we need to be mindful of – a) build a mental pattern of preference versus absolute must (I would prefer to be promoted instead of I absolutely must), so we don’t get excessively invested in only one outcome and b) nurture greater self-worth, so we are not affected as much by what others may think of us.
As we engage with these practices, even though initially in response to better dealing with our consequences, we can rewire our mind to reduce the consequences in the future.
Hope this helps. Thanks again for the sharing. Take care!
Actually with time if D & E are strong, then A vanishes because one does not treat the event as Adverse.
Well said, Sai!
This is really nice article..i agree handling Anxiety wisely helps not only ourself but also people around us.
Dear Rajiv
Thanks for the amazing take on Anxiety through the ABC & DE to manage it. In simple words, you have made me realize how to deal with it and manage it.
Cheers