As much as we need exercise for our physical health, we need a regular reflective practice for our mental and emotional well-being. A few minutes of quiet time, away from all the emails and social media noise, when we can simply connect with our inner being.

We ordinarily have over fifty thousand thoughts in a day. Moments of solitude allow us to slow down this neurotic pace of mental activity. As we learn to observe our recurring thought patterns, we also begin to see the futility of many of our thoughts that usually preoccupy us.

Besides, building our reflective capacity strengthens our emotional equilibrium. We are then less easily affected by the daily ups and downs of life. We also become more thoughtful and less reactive in our responses.

I have personally found meditation to be a great support in this regard. Some people find writing a journal therapeutic; some practicing yoga and pranayama; and some listening to inspirational talks. Some others have a practice of positive affirmations where they recall three to five positive and reassuring statements a few times of day. This helps them proactively stay in an even-keel emotional and mental state.

One shift to make your reflective practice count

I consider myself a thoughtful and reflective person. I tend to be intense in whatever I do and can easily drift towards perfectionism. Committed to self-improvement and personal growth, I bring the same approach there too. Some years ago, I noticed a tendency in my reflections to sometimes seek answers to a certain type of questions. Particularly, when I clearly fell short of my own expectations. For example, if I lost my cool in a family conversation or found myself judging someone or wanting in my level of generosity. I wondered, why can’t I stay more present, why can’t I be less judgmental and be more loving, why is it so hard even though I am so committed to be a certain way?

These were all ‘Why’ questions. Not sure if you’ve ever noticed a similar tendency in yourself, but such questions are not very helpful. They shift our attention towards being self-critical and self-blaming. They make us judge ourselves as inadequate and persisting with such questions digs a deeper hole of unhappiness within us.

Instead, what I found more helpful were ‘What’ questions. What thoughts and feelings do I have in these situations? What deep-seated beliefs of mine make me think and feel this way? What kind of a person would I like to be? What steps do I need to take to get there? What new beliefs do I need to embrace for that? Such questions move us forward and are a healthier way to reflect.

Wide ranging implications

Firstly, this subtle shift in our self-inquiry enhances the quality of our self-awareness and well-being. With ‘Why’ type questions, we are inclined to simply brood more. In the process, neither do we learn more about ourselves, nor do we feel better. As against that, ‘What’ type questions move us forward towards action. Making progress thereby results in a higher sense of well-being. This difference in approach is the key reason why only a small percentage of people who reflect regularly become more self-aware and experience greater happiness.

Further, this approach is widely relevant in our interpersonal relationships – with our colleagues and our family members. ‘What’ type questions are a powerful way to help others be more reflective and become self-aware. This in turn supports their growth. Instead of challenging a colleague with ‘Why don’t you care about excellence?’ consider asking, ‘What standard would you like your work to be?’ ‘What needs to shift within you for you to start producing that level of work?’ ‘In what way can I help?’ and so forth.

Likewise, we judge our children and may ask them ‘Why’ questions. Why can’t you just learn to be better organised? Why is it so difficult for you to speak up in front of adults? How about the following options? What would be the benefits of being more organised? What’s the negative impact of not being organised? What are the couple of steps you could take to start being more organised? What do you feel when you are talking to adults? What needs to shift within you for that conversation to be enjoyable for you? And so on.

What kind of reflective questions have you been asking yourself and people around you?