Emotional resilience is the cornerstone of success and happiness in life. Human life invariably presents several unexpected twists and turns, many of them seemingly unpleasant. Our emotional resilience, the ability to adapt to stressful situations and crisis, determines our success, happiness and our overall life experience.

Resilient individuals are able to roll with the punches and don’t let these unfavourable situations define them. If we are low on emotional resilience, we feel frustrated, unhappy, stuck and can become depressed.

While some of us are naturally resilient, all of us can build emotional resilience by being more intentional about it. Here are five common traits that hold us back from being more resilient. Read on to learn what you can do to overcome these tendencies.

1. Personalise

We take things personally. We are conditioned to take credit for every positive development and to feel sorry and blame ourselves for every adverse situation. Any setbacks are seen as a direct reflection of our incompetence then.

If you are an emotionally sensitive person, there’s a higher chance that you are easily affected by your circumstances or others’ behaviour towards you. Any setback in personal relationships or in the workplace will likely affect you more forcefully then. You see these as a personal attack and feel like a victim.

To build emotional resilience, you have to let go of being so self-centred and stop taking things personally. You have to realise that life is evolving as it needs to and the circumstances it presents to you are not always directed at you. Likewise, if people behave in a certain way with you, it’s often not because of you, it’s because of the way they are.

2. Permanence

One of the most paralysing emotions triggered by a setback is the feeling of finality. That the damage is done and seemingly forever. If you are passed over for a promotion or lose a job or when your child doesn’t make it to their dream college, it’s easy to believe that this event is going to have a lasting and permanent impact on your or their life; that you will never be able to fully recover from this setback.

We overestimate the impact of individual events on our happiness levels. Other than exceptionally tragic events, generally no single event dramatically alters your longer-term experience of life – even if it seems that way in the moment. Time is a great equaliser. When you remain patient and are willing to face the setback, you begin to discover new perspectives to relate to the issue.

Research shows that the average happiness levels of individuals who won a lottery were marginally higher than those who didn’t; and individuals who had lost a leg in an accident were only slightly less happy over time than others.

3. Perfectionism

Many of us seek perfection in our lives. We seek perfection in our career, marriage, children, relationships, health, social life, holidays and so on. Social media only fuels this desire. We then relate to anything that’s less than perfect as unpleasant. If you have a low sense of self-worth, this trait becomes even more pronounced. When we feel incomplete within, we seek approval outside – and believe that getting to our perfect self would somehow fill that inner void.

If you want to build emotional resilience, you have to let go of the need for perfection. Focus on what’s in place rather than what’s missing. Then build on what’s already in place. Further, you have to appreciate that wholesomeness is a healthier pursuit than perfection. A place where you make wholistic progress across different dimensions of life rather than seek perfection in any one.

More importantly, you want to build your sense of self-worth and clarify your own inner goals. Learn to accept yourself for who you are, and not continuously judge or compare yourself; connect with your core personal values, and build confidence in expressing them; clarify your personal life purpose and live a life aligned to that.

4. Possessed

Another common trait that comes in the way of emotional resilience is our inability to compartmentalise our challenges. We obsess about them and let them pervade our life. We find it difficult to enjoy anything in the present till the issue is resolved. For example, we remain preoccupied with an unresolved work issue at home – at dinner with the family or even while watching TV.

To develop greater resilience, we need to isolate issues and not let them take over our life. You have to be intentional about it. For example, you can choose to remind yourself to leave any unresolved work issues aside before reaching home. You can also remind yourself to fully engage with your family and any personal activities once at home. When you engage in anything fully, it reduces the importance the mind places on anything else, including challenges in any other part of life.

Further, consider building a multi-dimensional life where you are not overly attached to any one of your roles – as a professional or as a parent and so on. If you identify too strongly with any one dimension of your life, the ups and downs of that aspect are more likely to impact you emotionally.

5. Passive

People with a pessimistic view tend to be passive in nature. They believe that their circumstances or the people around them will always be the way they are now. As a result, they feel helpless and stuck.

On the other hand, emotionally resilient people see life as an ongoing journey of learning and growth. They recognise that nothing stays static and how you choose to respond to your circumstances influences how you feel. They believe that you either win or you learn.

When you accept the current reality, actively engage with the specific setback, learn from it and commit to taking the necessary steps to work through it, you grow from it and feel fulfilled. This, in turn, builds inner strength, character and emotional resilience.