Who Are You, Really?

Discover your true self

Calm, relaxed, restless, anxious, envious, confident, unsure, loving, guilty, grateful. As my thoughts drifted, these are some of the emotions I felt just in the past hour. And these are only the ones I was aware of. Striving to be more self-aware, I try to be in touch with my thoughts and emotions as often as possible. Hoping to have a better understanding of my tendencies, so I can slowly reform them to a healthier state.

However, a sudden insight recently offered a breakthrough in this practice. It’s about grasping the distinction between who’s feeling these changing emotional states and who’s observing them within. Who’s doing the thinking and who’s being aware of the thoughts? Who’s busy with the ongoing self-talk and who’s doing the listening? For all these questions, the answer is the mind and the Awareness respectively.

This Awareness, that allows me to observe my thoughts and feelings, is our true self. It is the mirror that makes our ever-changing thoughts and emotions visible to us. It is the screen on which we project our emotional and mental drama. However, since this projection is continuous and we are so engrossed in it, we believe we are the movie and totally miss the screen. We identify with our job, family, friends, religion, nation etc. However, this unwavering Awareness, that makes such identification possible, is the real us.

Three levels of consciousness

We can have three levels of consciousness. Level one is the outer (or body) consciousness. Our consciousness is limited to what we perceive through our sensory organs – what we see, hear, smell, taste and touch. At this level, we react to outer experiences on autopilot. If we eat a tasty snack, we crave for more and overeat. Someone cuts our lane on a busy street and we get angry at them.

Level two is the inner (or emotional/mental) consciousness. Here we are aware of our thoughts, feelings, motivations, attitudes and preferences. We are in touch with our inner craving for…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 17 Comments

The Unexpected Positive Shifts Triggered By Covid Crisis


In my last post (Covid-19 is just the preview, beware of the real show), I talked about some of the disturbing themes, like income inequality and climate change, that might get exacerbated by Covid-19. While the health, economic and social challenges are still unfolding, there are some unexpected positive shifts arising from this tragedy.

Lockdown forces reflection

Crisis is an inflection point that simply draws us to reflect. Lockdown driven solitude is forcing everyone to look within. I am sure you’ve had some reflective moments of your own in recent weeks. You start to wonder what matters most in life – well-being, family, kindness, equanimity, resilience? Besides, witnessing the sacrifices made by health workers and the plight of millions of migrant workers in India has touched each one of us deeply.

It’s making us feel more grateful for the life we have and be empathetic towards the well-being of others. When we are grateful and empathetic, we are at our kindest. Many of the hundreds of individuals I have surveyed at the end of my webinars would like to commit to becoming a kinder, calmer and wiser person. It’s visible. While the current needs of NGOs are enormous, the kind of outpouring of support that’s coming though is heartening.

Hopefully, we continue to harness these precious emotions and not let them get buried when better times come around. What we need most in modern society is not rapid economic development, but greater empathy, sharing, kindness and compassion.

Future of work starts shifting to home

Lockdowns have created a significant unintended positive consequence. It’s the possibility of a large number of employees working from home in the future. WFH is now a real thing and WFA (A for anywhere) will follow.

74% of the companies surveyed by Gartner intend shifting at least some part of their workforce to work remotely permanently. Deloitte believes 50 million jobs in south east Asia could move to WFH. TCS announced that 75% of their employees will work from home within…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Leadership | 2 Comments

Covid-19 Is Just The Preview, Beware Of The Real Show!


As a life coach, I am supposed to be positive and optimistic. And I am. However, sometimes naming the elephant in the room is the most positive thing you can do. Acknowledging a challenge squarely is a crucial first step towards working through it. Covid-19 is an unprecedented health, economic and humanitarian crisis. The scale of dislocation being created by this single event is staggering. It is affecting each of us in some way or another and we are quite far from being done with it.

While we are still jostling with this crisis, we should also take the time to reflect on what it’s trying to teach us. Moments of crisis usually bring into sharp focus what’s truly important in life. They also make us question the futility of many of our daily pursuits and things we usually stress about.

I believe this crisis is a reflection of our society’s deteriorating relationship with nature. How our unchecked thirst for growth forces animals away from their natural habitat and closer to humans. (Destruction of nature and Coronavirus) Besides, it’s a reminder of our inability to appreciate our interconnectedness and the need to nurture the whole not just our individual selves. While disproportionate rewards of individual success make us self-centered, this crisis is teaching us that eventually we all sink or swim together.

This crisis also serves as a warning sign from the universe of what lies ahead if we don’t change our ways. There are some sparks of positive change emerging from this tragic crisis, but more about that in my next post. First here are some thoughts on what can go wrong if we simply pursue the old normal.

There are four disruptive themes that are active and growing in our society – climate change, income inequality, parochial nationalism and rapid technological advancement. While any one of these has the potential to create a social tsunami, the prospect of some or all of these coming together at some point is…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Community, Global challenges | 12 Comments

Can’t Go Outside? Try Going Inside

Calm

My 87-years old dad went through the second world war, the India-Pakistan partition and even went to jail for Mahatma Gandhi’s Jail Bharo Andolan. Chatting with him on the current pandemic was insightful. Here are four key thoughts that arose from that discussion.

Calm amidst the panic

Fear levels around us are high and palpable. The reality is that our prehistoric brain is wired for survival – not peace and equanimity. We instinctively feel fearful with even the slightest of triggers affecting our survival. (Think stepping on a rope in the dark!) The current crisis is unprecedented and potentially devastating at multiple levels. It may turn out to be a generation-defining event. Fear is naturally turning to panic.

While fear and panic are totally understandable, we need to recognise the need to stay calm. Being calm and positive (while staying vigilant and following all the necessary guidelines) is the key to effectively working our way through any crisis. Listening to the horror stories of the partition from my dad, it is clear that if the health crisis continues, each of us will likely experience a roller coaster of emotions – from denial, anxiety, anger and panic to sadness and despair.

To build greater equanimity, it helps to switch off from the external world of news and social media and instead focus on our inner world. Simply sitting still and becoming an observer of our varying emotions helps. It is important that while observing our emotions, we remain focused only on observing, without judging them (or ourselves). With consistent practice, the volatility of our emotions does subside. (Read: Try mindfulness meditation and ABC of anxiety)

We along with I

With the virus spreading rapidly, protecting ourselves and our loved ones is important. However, if we are healthy, it is essential that we also pay attention to helping others in any way we can. Whether it is the frontline health workers, the daily wage earners or the families of our domestic helpers. Being helpful is…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Community, Global challenges, Leadership, Self-growth | 17 Comments

The ABC of Anxiety! And DE of Managing It

ABC of Anxiety

The news of the latest promotions was devastating for Francis. He was one of the leading candidates for the Chief Strategy Officer role and had been anxious for months to get it. Not only did he not get the position, but one of his peers was going to be his new manager. He felt let down and sad. He felt sorry for himself and was deeply concerned about his stature within and outside the firm. Anxiety had found a real toehold.

Francis’ experience is not unusual. We all routinely experience significant anxiety about our business targets, financial rewards, social status, parents’ health, children’s future, personal well-being and so forth. Underlying all such anxiety is an established pattern – first established by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotional Behavioural Therapy, it’s the pattern of ABC.

The ABC of it

‘A’ stands for adversity. It indicates any kind of setback that we experience or anticipate experiencing. ‘C’ represents the consequences of that setback – how we emotionally experience it. Whether we feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, worried, helpless etc.

While we are quick to rationalise how ‘A’ directly leads to our state of ‘C’, there is invariably a factor in-between these two states. The factor of ‘B’. ‘B’ stands for our beliefs. All our thoughts and feelings emanate from our deep-seated beliefs. These personal beliefs determine the consequences of adversity for each of us – how we feel with every real or anticipated setback.

There are two kinds of beliefs that particularly contribute towards our anxiety. The first center around the absolute necessity of certain outcomes in our mind. I absolutely must get promoted; my children absolutely must love me as much I love them; I absolutely must never do any thing less than perfect. The absolute nature of such mental demands creates anxiety. Besides, not achieving these absolute goals results in our feeling like a failure. The second set of unhelpful beliefs are usually around our desire for approval by others. We wish for…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 11 Comments

This New Year: Whatever Your Goals, Try Practicing This


Shankar, a Chennai-based businessman, was disturbed by his 19-year-old son Arjun’s sudden change in behaviour. Arjun is a bright, driven and hardworking student. At his high school, he was not only one of the top students, but also an accomplished guitarist and a member of the swim team. He was a bit reserved though and felt uncomfortable outside of his circle of close friends.

However, within his first semester at a university in Chicago, he started to feel socially anxious. He was scared of meeting new people and avoided all social events on campus. He began to feel isolated and depressed. His grades started to drop. Uncomfortable with the idea, he avoided discussing about this with his parents. But when he was home during the winter break, his parents started to notice some changes in his behaviour. He would stay in his room till late morning and displayed no interest in music, exercising or even going out – things he previously loved.

When the parents asked him about it, he kind of dismissed it as nothing significant. As the break went by, the parents became more anxious and impatient with his unexplained behaviour. Shankar tried motivating him to get on with things. By the time it was summer break, the parents were beginning to feel helpless. They felt that their son didn’t care about his goals, that he was being irresponsible and would let himself and them down. As they arranged for counselling sessions for him, they continued to cajole him to improve and get back on track.

All along missing the point. That, what Arjun needed most was not advice, but their love – unconditional love. That when someone’s confidence, self-belief and self-worth are on the low, they don’t need motivating speeches; they need acceptance and love. Not feeling judged and instead feeling accepted and loved for who they are (despite their imperfections), by people they care about, is crucial for their healing.

While Shankar has since made amends, we can all improve on…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 17 Comments

Will The Rich Change For The Sake Of The Climate?


“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it.” ~ Mark Twain.

I too have been guilty of this. I thought I was doing my bit by segregating waste, using more recycled products, buying more organic food, avoiding plastic, using energy saving devices and so forth. Clearly, I was lulled into a sense of complacency. However, triggered by the onslaught of adverse news, from Delhi pollution and the Venice flooding to forest fires in California and Australia, I decided to calculate my own annual carbon footprint.

It is roughly 11 tons. Just to put it in perspective, an average American’s annual carbon footprint is 16T, an average Indian is 1.8T and the global average is around 4.5T. If the world follows through on the Paris climate change accord, the global average would need to be below 2T by 2050. I guess that’s what my goal should be – progressively reducing my carbon footprint from 11T to 2T.

Looking through the data, what was apparent was that the biggest contributors of CO2 emissions for me are: a) use of my car, b) consumption of food and other household products, c) international travel, and d) use of electricity. Incidentally, I work from home and use my car only 3-4 times a week, I am not an extravagant spender and my international travel is limited to a couple of holidays and a few short work-related trips every year. If you are a business leader, I wonder what your carbon footprint might be?

As I analyse my options for the way forward, it is becoming quite evident that there aren’t many easy answers and that we would need more substantive shifts. I thought of sharing with you some of the views I have explored in case they are helpful in some way.

Calculate your carbon footprint

What gets measured gets done. If we don’t have a clear measure of our carbon footprint and its sources, we may remain ignorant of the personal efforts we need to make…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Leadership, Self-growth | 6 Comments

What Are You More Afraid Of: Failure Or Rejection?


Stepping on to the tee box, I could feel my heart rate going up. I was definitely nervous. Since starting to learn the game, this was the first time I was going to be playing with friends who were clearly better golfers than me.

I surely didn’t want it to be a disappointing round – unfortunately, in golf, that happens way too often. However, I was more concerned about being considered a hopeless player. To pre-empt such an outcome, I instinctively declared that I was a complete novice; and how I had slept poorly the previous night.

I was more worried about rejection (my friends thinking poorly of me) than failure (not playing well). Most of us have a fear of failure. That’s the reason for our discomfort with taking risks. That’s why we are anxious about being passed over for a promotion or our business not taking off or our children’s progress not meeting our expectations.

However, beneath this fear of failure, we are actually afraid of rejection – the dreadful feeling that our peers may perceive us poorly.  Humans are social animals and we derive a considerable part of our self-identity from our perception of how others think of us. Many of us base our self-worth on our apparent relative status within our social circle.

Moreover, activities that enhance our relative status act as a mood booster. Activities that decrease that status, or even merely create the fear of a decline, result in release of stress hormones. The risk of social rejection is paralysing for us. As a result, we fail to pursue our passion and bring our true self to the world. We also continue to conform to our social circle’s expectations, even though we may suffer within.

The antidote

Happier people have a healthier sense of self-worth and prefer living by their own standards. They are comfortable in their own skin and are happy being themselves. Not that they are over-confident or have an excessive self-belief; they…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 6 Comments

The Bane Of Modern Society: Excessive Individualism


Individualism has been on the ascent across the world over the past few decades. Individualism per se is not necessarily bad. Individualism treats each individual as an independent entity and favours individual freedom over collective or state control. It encourages individuals to have a greater sense of self-responsibility and offers rewards more directly linked to their contributions. This empowering approach may well be responsible for some of the extraordinary achievements of individuals in the fields of business, science, technology and even sports.

However, I believe we have reached a stage where the balance between what’s good for the individual and what’s good for society may have tilted too much towards the individual. Fuelled by instant and disproportionate rewards for individual success in a capitalistic world, ‘I’, ‘Me’ and ‘Mine’ have taken centre-stage in our lives. The mantra of ‘winner takes all’ makes us self-centred. We instinctively perceive the world from a competitive lens rather than a collaborative one.

Books and media are a telling reflection of this cultural change. Scanning Google’s digitised database of over five million books, research has revealed that between 1960 and 2008, individualistic expressions like self, unique, all about me, I am special, and I’m the best have grown significantly. During that time, use of words like kindness, helpfulness, gratitude and modesty declined by over 70%. 

Effects of excessive individualism

Individualism becomes excessive when instead of acknowledging that Everyone is special, we emphasise on I am special. The ugly side of this shift is now on display in all aspects of our society. Excessive individualism divides society into winner and losers. As a result, depression is on the rise, particularly among the young. It only gets worse by spending time on social media where narcissism is on the up and respect for others on the down. Personal relationships are quick to fracture and marriages break routinely. With the intent to enhance…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Leadership, Self-growth | 16 Comments

Alter Your Relationship With Disagreements


Joseph runs the Asia marketing division for a multinational corporation. He hated disagreements. Harmony was his overwhelming preference. He tended to avoid any confrontation with his colleagues as well as his family members. He felt uncomfortable even when people he cared about were arguing with each other. His colleagues described him as diplomatic as he always found ways to not take sides in any argument.

While he felt comfortable with this approach, this was clearly impacting his effectiveness. He found it hard to call out under-performers in his team. He also struggled to influence his seniors and peers as he failed to engage in difficult conversations with them. Likewise, it affected his relationships at home.

During our work together, as he chose to examine his tendencies, he became more aware of his personality traits and core beliefs underlying this behaviour. He recognised that he’s a sensitive person and avoids confrontation to minimise the risk of being hurt. He also viewed disagreements as a win-lose contest, where only one person could win and the other had to lose.

Most importantly, he became very aware of his intrinsic need to be liked. He was subconsciously operating from the belief that if he had a disagreement with someone, they would feel offended. Or worse, they may dislike him. He simply assumed that everyone was as sensitive as him and that they would take any argument as a personal attack.

With continued reflections, he realised that he clearly had an unhealthy relationship with ‘disagreements’. Here are three ideas he has been successfully working on to reform this relationship.

1. View disagreements as integral to a healthy relationship

He has begun to appreciate that while harmony is important for a lasting relationship, it doesn’t need to be that way a hundred percent of the time. Whenever two people engage in a…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Relationships, Self-growth | 3 Comments