What Makes A Good Life?


A great career, financial success, a nice family, loads of friends, active social life and exciting holidays make a good life, right? We may need to think again! Every so often, I have admired the cheerfulness and tranquillity of many of the security guards, cleaners and gardeners at our building. They arrive at work earlier than required, are always very willing to help and do it with a smile. I have chatted with a couple of them at times and found their approach to life a revealing reminder of what makes a good life.

Firstly, true quality of life is a reflection not of our standard of living but how we experience life within. Secondly, it is a measure of our level of freedom from our volatile emotional-mental states; how well we have won over our frequent feelings of anxiety, fear and envy or craving for a different life. I have noticed three principles that contribute to such a good life.

1. Morality

We cannot be at peace or experience emotional freedom without a clear conscience. A high sense of moral integrity is important for a healthy inner life. Without the strength of character, we can easily compromise on ‘minor’ infractions on integrity. We tell white lies, choose convenience over righteousness and assume that the end somehow justifies the means. It doesn’t!

The emotional residue of any wrongdoing stays and accumulates in our psyche and manifests itself in one negative emotion or the other. For example, guilt results in anxiety, irritability and lower self-esteem. Immoral conduct in business or personal life corrupts and weakens us. Choosing to do the right thing strengthens our inner being.

2. Inner compass

To experience emotional freedom, it’s important to live life on our own terms. We feel free when we align our life to our innate…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 16 Comments

Nature Doesn’t Rush, Yet Accomplishes Everything: Reflections For The Restless


A committed meditation student was very keen to become a master. He went to a guru and asked him, “How long would it take?” The guru replied: “Ten years.” The student, a bit impatient, was disappointed and queried, “But I want to master it faster than that, I will work very hard, and practice ten or more hours a day if necessary. How long would it then take?” The guru smiled and remarked, “Twenty years.”

We are routinely restless about our future. We want to be sure that we will achieve our desired outcomes. Besides, we are constantly striving for something more satisfying. We wish for more success, recognition, wealth, comfort, love and recognition. Our addiction to smart phones and social media is a reflection of this underlying restlessness.

While some level of restlessness is healthy, in high doses, it drains our focus and energy. In the process, not only are we less effective at whatever we are doing, but also are unable to enjoy the present. Here are three reflective perspectives to address this.

1. Trust the universal intelligence

Nature accomplishes all its results by surrendering to the universal intelligence. This intelligence is not only present within us, but also governs all our vital functions. It runs our digestive, nervous and reproductive systems; manifests our DNA and karmic imprint; and also dictates our cycle of birth and death. In its presence, we are always evolving, as we need to.

However, in our individualistic society, we have a misplaced sense of self-importance. Human mind is a blessing, but also a curse. A powerful mind anxiously wants to shape and bend the flow of the universal intelligence to suit its own wishes. Caught up in its restlessness for more, we become disconnected with the potential of our deeper innate intelligence. When we learn to trust that intelligence and believe that the way our life is evolving is for our highest good, we are more productive and feel more at peace.

2. Discover the right potential

One of the key…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 18 Comments

To Go From Expertise To Mastery: Learn To Let Go


Last year I had a slight brush with the notion of mastery. I received the accreditation of Master-level Coach from the International Coach Federation (ICF). ICF, the global gold standard in coaching, has three levels of accreditations – Associate, Professional and Master. Going through these levels involves rigorous evaluation. This includes a certain number of hours of coaching experience and a review of actual recorded coaching sessions. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that less than five per cent of all credentialed coaches worldwide have received the Master level.

When I shared this with one of my clients, he curiously asked me, “As a coach, what’s the real difference between the professional and the master level?” My instinct was to say, ‘greater expertise’. But after some reflection, I responded, “As an associate you are comfortable with the fundamentals of coaching and as a professional you are proficient at those skills. The real difference at the master level is that you are now willing to let go of the narrow path of a trained approach and more willing to go with the flow. You are truly in tandem with the energy of the client; you rely on your intuition and are spontaneous in choosing an approach that would be most helpful for the client.”

That was a new insight for me. I have since been more aware of the power of letting go in pursuit of mastery in any craft. This is not to negate the relevance of long hours (some suggest 10,000) of practice. However, when you become really good at something, the breakthrough to mastery only comes with learning to let go of the attachment to those skills and to the outcomes of your effort.

How does Federer do it?

Roger Federer is a true master of his sport. Passion, perseverance and an extraordinary level of proficiency are surely crucial to his success. But, to excel at an elite level, he also needs one more trait – the ability to let go. The ability…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 9 Comments

To Build Emotional Resilience, Bury These 5 Ps

Resilience

Emotional resilience is the cornerstone of success and happiness in life. Human life invariably presents several unexpected twists and turns, many of them seemingly unpleasant. Our emotional resilience, the ability to adapt to stressful situations and crisis, determines our success, happiness and our overall life experience.

Resilient individuals are able to roll with the punches and don’t let these unfavourable situations define them. If we are low on emotional resilience, we feel frustrated, unhappy, stuck and can become depressed.

While some of us are naturally resilient, all of us can build emotional resilience by being more intentional about it. Here are five common traits that hold us back from being more resilient. Read on to learn what you can do to overcome these tendencies.

1. Personalise

We take things personally. We are conditioned to take credit for every positive development and to feel sorry and blame ourselves for every adverse situation. Any setbacks are seen as a direct reflection of our incompetence then.

If you are an emotionally sensitive person, there’s a higher chance that you are easily affected by your circumstances or others’ behaviour towards you. Any setback in personal relationships or in the workplace will likely affect you more forcefully then. You see these as a personal attack and feel like a victim.

To build emotional resilience, you have to let go of being so self-centred and stop taking things personally. You have to realise that life is evolving as it needs to and the circumstances it presents to you are not always directed at you. Likewise, if people behave in a certain way with you, it’s often not because of you, it’s because of the way they are.

2. Permanence

One of the most paralysing emotions triggered by a setback is the feeling of finality. That the damage is done and seemingly forever. If you are passed over for a promotion or lose a job or when your child doesn’t make it to their dream college, it’s easy to believe that this event is going to have…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | 23 Comments

Is Your Child An Orchid Or A Dandelion? And Why It Matters?


We all know that each child is different. However, it can be puzzling when you are trying to make sense of dramatically different responses of two children to identical stimuli. One is carefree and the other anxious, one seems unaffected and the other very sensitive.

Breakthrough research by human development specialists Bruce Ellis of the University of Arizona and Thomas Boyce of the University of California, Berkeley, establishes how the genetic make-up influences the temperament of a child. This make-up dictates how sensitive the child is to the stresses of his environment. Using the Swedish expressions of amaskrosbarn (a dandelion child) and orkidebarn (an orchid child), they describe the two personality types.

Dandelions are hardy, resilient and adaptable. They can survive in the toughest of conditions. They even grow out of sidewalks. Likewise, children with this genetic predisposition tend to be tougher, resilient and less dependent on their environment. Orchids on the other hand are delicate and require special soil and water conditions to blossom. Similarly, the orchid type children tend to be highly sensitive, easily impacted by their environment and require a supportive ecosystem to thrive.

Why it matters

Understanding your child’s personality make-up can serve as an important guide to your parenting approach. While no child is wholly one type or another, knowing their innate make-up can help you adapt your parenting style. Besides, instead of judging them, you can more fully understand and love them for who they are.

Parenting a dandelion, you can comfortably throw more challenges at them and be less anxious if they fail. All the same, they need your love and support to grow their sensitive side. While they are strong and hardy, they can sometimes be low on empathy and compassion.

With an orchid, you need to be more mindful of offering a safety net as you challenge them. They can also feel pressured faster. You must be patient when they seem to get overwhelmed by their workload or their social situations at school. They just require more TLC…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 7 Comments

If You Can’t Do What You Love, Try Loving What You Do


Happy man working on laptop

Our society frequently promotes the idea of following one’s true passion or calling. Rightly so. I routinely encourage my clients towards it and have written a lot about it as well (Are you following your calling, Discovering your calling). Pursuing your calling is an important contributor towards experiencing deeper happiness and fulfilment.

However, it’s not always possible for everyone to follow their calling. Firstly, you may struggle to find that one dominant theme that you are passionate enough to commit your professional life to. Besides, you maybe deterred by your perceived chances of success in that path. Equally, you maybe concerned about its financial viability.

If you find yourself in such a stalemate, don’t be disheartened. You can still find happiness and meaning in your work. Here are three approaches how.

Try loving what you do

1. Examine your attitude

Talking to our domestic helper the other day, I figured that her real dream is to run a food stall back in her village in Indonesia. While the dream remains on hold, she brings a highly positive attitude towards her current job. She believes work is worship and finds joy in making others happy.

Your attitude towards what you do can often be more important than what you do. If you bring the right values towards your work, you would find the work rewarding. If you are diligent, organised, collaborative, thoughtful and open-minded, you would likely enjoy whatever you engage in. Alternately, if you don’t have the right attitude towards work, even pursuing your calling may not be a satisfying experience.

2. Amplify what you enjoy

I am sure there are aspects of your work that you greatly enjoy and find exciting. Maybe it’s meeting people from diverse backgrounds, helping your team members succeed or working on innovative projects. Identify what you most enjoy about your work and consider ways to expand the time you spend on those activities.

Getting busy with varied expectations at work, it’s easy to become disconnected with the parts that actually…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Self-growth | 5 Comments

Needed In The Age of Artificial Intelligence: Real Wisdom


Your life is about to change dramatically, but your wisdom can shape its direction.

Ever wonder how Google maps instantly adjust your travel time in different traffic conditions; or how Facebook shows you hotel ads no sooner than you have searched online for a holiday destination; or how Siri recognises your voice? AI is present in our lives in a bigger way than we realise; and it’s growing rapidly.

Machine learning will change the future

All these developments seem benign for the most part, even helpful in many ways. However, machine learning, a recent breakthrough in the field of AI, has the potential to dramatically alter the scope and potential of AI in the foreseeable future. For better and for worse.

The first stage of AI is to program something to execute certain tasks based on predetermined commands. For example, a robot in a car factory. At the next level, a machine, armed with a framework of rules, is trained to work through large amounts of information to make the most optimal recommendation. For example, a supercomputer that checks through innumerable options and selects the best chess move.

Machine learning is changing all that. Advanced machine learning relies on algorithms that have the ability to self-learn by observing patterns from humungous amount of random data and making informed decisions by themselves. It’s equivalent to a computer learning to play chess by itself. Learning from the quality of its decisions and outcomes, the machine progressively gets better at the task. Facial and voice recognition and driverless-cars increasingly rely on this.

The real game changer

As AI machines or robots continue to improve on their decision-making and build stronger cognitive ability, it is envisageable that one day they would be more intelligent than humans. The AI world refers to this milestone as Singularity. This would be the tipping point of an exponential rise in the power of self-learning machines.

While there are varying views on how soon Singularity would be possible, Ray Kurzweil, a highly regarded futurist and director of engineering at Google,…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Leadership, Personal mastery | 11 Comments

Too Much Of A Good Thing Is Not Necessarily Good


Over ten years ago, I chose to make a life shift. A part of this was an aspiration to live my ideal day as often as possible. My vision was to coach for about six hours a day, meditate for an hour, exercise or play a sport for an hour, plenty of time with the family and a couple of hours to read and perhaps write. It’s been a dream come true!

However, over time, I began to realise that I had become quite attached to my ideal day. Particularly on weekdays, all my other plans had to be aligned to this daily routine. Missing my exercise even for a day made me uneasy. Watching even a late night grand slam final was a no-no so as to avoid the risk of being sloppy at the next morning’s meditation.

What I learnt in the process

What I have learnt in the process is that too much of a good thing is not necessarily good. While I gained tremendously from this self-discipline, I surely lost some flexibility and spontaneity in the process. While virtues are called so for a reason, we can easily become obsessed with them and in the process lose perspective. Everything has to be viewed with a sense of balance. As stoic philosophers explain, there is always an optimal value, beyond which anything is toxic, no matter what.

Do you have a parent or a family member who is super organised and always punctual. Surely a positive trait. Perhaps, they are even quite proud of it. However, have you noticed how anxious they get when things are not going to plan. How much stress they create for those around them who may be less organised. As we seek excellence at planning, we also need to cultivate acceptance – of things not always going to plan or of the value others place on being organised.

Even the universally accepted values are worth examining

Here are some quick examples of how, when taken to extreme, even some…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 29 Comments

Teenage Children: An Undeniable Learning Opportunity For Parents

Photo by erin mcconnell
Photo by erin mcconnell

The other day, I was holding forth with my 15-year-old, giving her advice on life after she sounded disturbed about something at school. I had a feeling my ideas were not landing well but my moment of truth arrived when she turned around and pleaded, ‘Can you not be a life coach and just talk to me like a Dad?’

As a parent, I can be quick to give advice. Given my profession, I almost feel entitled to. However, just wanting to help is not enough. Particularly with teenage children, we need to know how to. Teenagers have a mind of their own and can appear resistant. Learning how to have a meaningful conversation that moves them forward is crucial.

This in turn can be a powerful opportunity for our personal growth. Children, particularly teenagers, can be true mirrors of our inner selves. As I try to practice these ideas, they have been shining light on my own biases, limiting beliefs and emotional triggers and raising my self-awareness.

Five keys to a valuable conversation

1. Treating them as equals

Teenage years are the time when children are moving from being dependent to feeling independent. This transition is difficult for both sides. As parents, we still view our children as inexperienced and vulnerable, the children see themselves as ready to make important decisions. Teenagers can come across as snappy and disrespectful; while for them, the parents can suddenly seem unreasonable and demanding.

Teenage brains are work in progress and their risk and impulse control functions are yet to develop. This, coupled with their hormonal changes, also triggers mood swings and anger. Being mindful of this can help us engage with them appropriately.

For us to pave the way for mutual love, respect and understanding, we need to start treating them as equal beings. As the German writer Johann Goethe wisely remarked, “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 15 Comments

Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Need Not Be

Photo by steenslag
Photo by steenslag

Five years ago, I found myself laid up in bed for a severe backache. The exact diagnosis was unclear and the advice from the medical practitioners (and that available freely online) was very confusing. For the most part, the pain was unbearable. It was hard for me to sleep and for some days I was almost completely immobile.

Besides the physical pain, my emotional turmoil was perceptible. I felt a loss of control – suddenly, all my plans seemed up in the air; I questioned my health regime and wondered where I had gone wrong; my attempts to meditate were rendered futile by the pain, making me doubt the point and effectiveness of my meditation practice; I was restless and vulnerable; I agonised over the lack of a clear diagnosis or the way forward.

As I resisted the reality of the situation, I suffered. The pain was circumstantial, but suffering was largely self-inflicted. As humans, illness, separation, setbacks and loss are our painful companions. We age, lose our loved ones, see a family member struggle – resulting in physical or emotional pain. However, the associated suffering in our heart and mind is paralysing.

Why do we suffer?

We suffer from our painful experiences for three key reasons.

1. Resistance

Our psyche is programmed to seek pleasure and resist pain. That’s our karmic baggage from the past. We then wish to avoid any kind of pain – physical or emotional. Pain makes us sad, frustrated and angry. We feel like a victim of our circumstances and become envious of anyone whose circumstances seem more favourable.

The reality of human experience is that Suffering = Pain X Resistance; the more we resist the reality, the more we suffer.

2. Attachment to self-image

We are attached to an idealised image of our self. Right from childhood, based on our own perception and comments from parents, teachers and friends, we form a mental impression of a perfect self. Over time, we subconsciously want…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 23 Comments