Category: Leadership

Photo by h.koppdelaney

We all have an inner child – the unconscious part of us that, despite our biological growth, has not matured psychologically and continues to feel and react like a child. Taking shape from our childhood experiences of being judged, belittled or neglected, it becomes a storehouse of our unresolved emotions. As an adult, how we interact with this inner child directly influences the quality of our effectiveness, relationships and happiness.

An integral part of our emotional personality, this inner child subliminally interferes with, and reacts to, all our conscious thoughts, actions and circumstances. As a result, arising instinctively, emotions of regret, guilt, anger, fear and anxiety routinely flood our mind.

Unfortunately, no different from dysfunctional parenting, our mental chatter continues to subconsciously feed the wounds of our inner child – what if I lose my job in this economic downturn; hope my daughter makes it to the right college, what kind of a parent would I appear to be if she doesn’t; what if my last professional move turns out to be a mistake, all my peers would think poorly of me; I am not smart, confident, attractive or fun enough.

Understanding the inner child’s reactions and our response

The inner child reacts from its unmet emotional needs of the past, particularly those that have got reinforced over time. Unless our adult self is able to acknowledge and consciously heal these, they continue to shape our emotional reactions. Here are three commonly dominant needs of the inner child:

1. Need to be perfect. Acquired largely through childhood experiences, where our parents, teachers or peers may have repeatedly judged us against examples of perfection, the inner child forms the belief that for us to be loved and experience a good life, we need to be perfect. The workplace may only bolster this belief. Any mistake then is a recurring source of regret and any uncertainty of the future a trigger for anxiety. We then…

“They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.” ~ Professional golfer Gardner Dickinson

Golf is a peculiar game, undoubtedly unlike any other. Hitting a stationery ball with a sizeable club shouldn’t be too challenging. But it is. Not only is it hard enough to get the swing mechanics involving several moving parts of the body right, but there’s also the additional challenge arising from the role the player’s state of mind plays in hitting the shot – every ounce of our inner demons gets amplified on the golf course.

As much as I have struggled playing the sport (I remain at best a very average recreational golfer after all these years), I have not only enjoyed the challenge, but also learnt a number of life lessons on the course. Here are five that I would love to share with you.

1. Play your own game

Playing against my competitive son (he’s nineteen and beating Dad is a high!), I realised that I was much better off playing my own game rather than trying to beat him at his. I am routinely tempted to emulate other golfers’ techniques in the hope of improving mine – invariably messing up mine further. I have come to appreciate that there are many paths to heaven and knowing my own strengths and limitations and playing to those affords me the best chance.

Likewise in life, unless we are deeply centred within, we easily get influenced by what’s popular around us – and trying to chase what’s popular not only alienates us from ourselves, but also leads to higher stress and lack of inner fulfilment.

Further, as much as learning the swing technique is important, it’s execution on the course is squarely impacted by our mental state. As legendary golfer Sam Snead observed, ‘Of all the hazards on the golf course, fear is the worst’. Feelings of fear, anxiety, embarrassment, and over-excitement routinely flood my mind on the course. Similarly, unless we consciously work on…

When Bachendri Pal, the first Indian woman to climb the Mount Everest, was addressing a gathering of corporate professionals, one of the leaders in the audience asked, “Your life seems so complete, but you have set such a high benchmark of accomplishment for the rest of us that our lives can never feel remarkable enough.” Reflecting on the question, Ms. Pal responded, “We all have an Everest within us, that we can aim to conquer.”

So true. Each of us has our own share of inner challenges that are worth overcoming. They come in the form of our heightened fears, insecurity, jealousy, doubts, aggression, laziness, anger, judgmental nature and so on. While we get easily consumed by chase of material progress, we lose sight of the deeper and more meaningful work that we can do within ourselves.

Why bother?

Unless our inner personality issues are resolved, they continue to haunt us in all aspects of our life. Our emotional volatility leads to dissatisfying relationships, our distorted self-image hinders good judgment, our limiting beliefs produce imbalance and sub-optimal health, and our lack of clear purpose in life results in undercurrents of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment.

As Mahatma Gandhi said, ‘Working on ourselves is the noblest deed we can do in this world.’ Behind every great individual is a burning desire to overcome their inner demons – what made Gandhi an inspirational leader was his commitment to be fearless of his oppressors, what made Mother Teresa exceptional was her devotion to nurture her selfless nature. Such work builds character, leads to a more meaningful life, and offers a great sense of personal accomplishment and completeness. Moreover, our individual progress in this way makes our world a better place.

6 steps to the path within

1.  Acknowledge your personal Everest

To embark on this journey, you need to begin by first recognizing what your personal Everest is. What comes in the way of your building deeper relationships? What holds you back from enjoying greater success at work? How do…

Photo by h.koppdelaney

We live in VUCA, short for Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous, times. Irrespective of our profession or life-cycle stage, VUCA defines our environment. There’s persistent volatility in right from the financial markets to our personal relationships, increased uncertainty of policies, competition and employment in our profession, heightened complexity emanating from the onslaught of globalization and technology in our lives, and amplified ambiguity in the criteria for making numerous life choices.

However, how much we are impacted by VUCA is merely a reflection of our disconnect with our inner self. In our modern society, we have become addicted to looking outside of ourselves for visible measures of success, like the job title, size of the house, and the brand of our car. Additionally, we are caught up in the notion of relative success – obsessed not with how well we are doing, but how we are doing compared to our peers and our social network. Hence, any circumstances that create uncertainty or volatility on these external measures are a source of significant inner turmoil for us.

To better deal with external volatility, we need to build the anchor of greater inner stillness; to gain confidence in an uncertain world, we need to develop deeper self-awareness and strengthen our inner self; to cut through the complexity of our environment, we need to simplify our life by committing our life to a singular meaningful purpose; and to eliminate the ambiguity arising from competing life choices, we need to commit to living a life guided by our personal values and inner yardsticks. That is a real pathway for reinventing ourselves in VUCA times.

Here is a 4-step approach that can help us towards this.

1.  Learning to reconnect with our inner self

In our fast paced life, we need to pause by creating time for regular reflection. Creating such quiet moments allows us to connect with our inner values and raise self-awareness at all levels of our being – understanding our…

Photo by Sara

“A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” ~ American Theologian William Shedd

While the majority of my coaching clients are leaders nominated by their respective organizations, I also work with individuals who directly reach out to me. Of late, I have noticed that one of the common themes that many of these individual clients, particularly in their 40s and 50s, choose to work on is ‘What next?’

They have usually been in a certain career for over twenty years, and generally successful at it. However, while they are not unhappy with where they are, they are no longer excited by their current work and definitely can’t see themselves being in that field for the coming decades of their productive work life.

While I had earlier written a post on the distinction between a job, career and calling (Are you following your calling?) and another one on how to go about discovering such a calling, in this post I would like to share some lessons that I have learnt in my personal journey of leaving a successful corporate career and pursuing an alternate one.

1. Changing who you are, and not merely what you do

When disturbed or unhappy, we start to believe that the mere change of some of our circumstances would permanently change our emotional state. We are then tempted to actively consider changing jobs, leaving relationships, or moving cities. While some of that might be relevant in specific situations, these changes tend not to have a lasting impact on our state of happiness or fulfillment.

If our ambitious nature had led to a poor work-life balance, irrespective of the professional platform we choose to operate from, we find ourselves overworked. If we tend to be too aggressive or too sensitive in our relationships, changing partners does little to reform that. If we are inclined to be anxious or insecure about the future, changing…