Even though not usually apparent, at the core, I have had a permissive predisposition. I have a tendency to avoid confrontation and prefer harmony over righteousness. Also, I instinctively feel the urge to protect anyone close to me I perceive to be vulnerable in an interaction.

Over the years, I have been consciously working on becoming more assertive instead. Where I am more open to expressing myself more fully in a firm, respectful and sensitive way. And hold the space for the vulnerable to find their strength. Although I am comfortable with where I am on this in my professional life, I sometimes find myself wanting in my personal relationships.

A recent refresher of Transactional Analysis (TA) was a great reminder of the further work I can do. As you may know, TA is a psychological theory of personal growth and relationships. It suggests that we have three ego states (Parent, Adult, Child) that primarily develop during our childhood. The specific combination of these states that we operate from determines the outcome of a particular interaction.

The three ego states

Parent ego state represents our psychological make-up that subconsciously imitates our childhood interpretation of the actions of our parents or of other figures of authority. How we get angry at similar triggers as one of our parents or talk in a critical or endearing tone like them. It’s the set of rules or beliefs that we imbibe during childhood about life, work and family.

Adult ego state corresponds to being guided by an objective assessment of the present moment, without any emotional baggage. This relates to our ability to process information in a logical way. Child ego state comprises thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are similar to how we tended to be, particularly emotionally, in our childhood. How we felt sad or angry every time someone passed a critical comment or didn’t include us in their plans; or how we were playful, conforming or defiant.

Can you notice these patterns playing out in yourself or others around you?

The healthy place to be

It’s important to recognise that the Parent and Child states have both healthy and unhealthy facets. For quality interactions and deeper relationships, we need to operate from an Integrated Adult state. Where, besides the Adult state, we include the positive aspects of our Parent and Child psyche.

Stating simplistically, the Parent state generally expresses itself in one of these four personality traits. Critical (dominant, authoritative and judgmental), Assertive (firm, fair and structured), Nurturing (affirming, encouraging and empathetic), and Indulgent (overly protective, lenient and spoiling). Clearly the first and the last type are not healthy while the middle two are.

Likewise, the Child state shows up as one of the four emotional tendencies. Spontaneous (curious, creative and genuine), Impulsive (immature, self-centered), Over-compliant (conforming, anxious, sad) or Defiant (rebellious, angry), and Co-operative (considerate, collaborative). The first and last being healthy and the other two not.

The Integrated Adult state then encompasses the entire gamut of possibilities between being a rational Adult, an assertive or nurturing Parent, and a spontaneous or cooperative Child.

What does it take?

Ordinarily, our negative ego states arise from the psyche that either we are inadequate or the other person is. When we feel others are not okay, and we are, the Parent in us wishes to either criticise and control or over protect them. And the Child in us rebels. Similarly, when we feel less about ourselves, the Child in us becomes anxious, withdrawn and over-compliant.

To be in the Integrated Adult psychological state requires learning to stop judging ourselves and others. Building a genuine belief that deep down each of us is okay, adequate and complete. Trusting that all of us have the inner resources to work through our limiting versions. And cultivating deeper self-awareness and catching ourselves every time our past demons take hold.

We may then also observe our colleagues, family and friends act out their psychological make-up. However, instead of negatively reacting to their unhealthy Parent or Child, we stay steadfast in the healthy zone. Done consistently, this can support others to move to their healthier version too.

What aspect of your ego states do you need to work on?