Category: Relationships

We all know that each child is different. However, it can be puzzling when you are trying to make sense of dramatically different responses of two children to identical stimuli. One is carefree and the other anxious, one seems unaffected and the other very sensitive.

Breakthrough research by human development specialists Bruce Ellis of the University of Arizona and Thomas Boyce of the University of California, Berkeley, establishes how the genetic make-up influences the temperament of a child. This make-up dictates how sensitive the child is to the stresses of his environment. Using the Swedish expressions of amaskrosbarn (a dandelion child) and orkidebarn (an orchid child), they describe the two personality types.

Dandelions are hardy, resilient and adaptable. They can survive in the toughest of conditions. They even grow out of sidewalks. Likewise, children with this genetic predisposition tend to be tougher, resilient and less dependent on their environment. Orchids on the other hand are delicate and require special soil and water conditions to blossom. Similarly, the orchid type children tend to be highly sensitive, easily impacted by their environment and require a supportive ecosystem to thrive.

Why it matters

Understanding your child’s personality make-up can serve as an important guide to your parenting approach. While no child is wholly one type or another, knowing their innate make-up can help you adapt your parenting style. Besides, instead of judging them, you can more fully understand and love them for who they are.

Parenting a dandelion, you can comfortably throw more challenges at them and be less anxious if they fail. All the same, they need your love and support to grow their sensitive side. While they are strong and hardy, they can sometimes be low on empathy and compassion.

With an orchid, you need to be more mindful of offering a safety net as you challenge them. They can also feel pressured faster. You must be patient when they seem to get overwhelmed by their workload or their social situations at school. They just require more TLC…

Photo by erin mcconnell

The other day, I was holding forth with my 15-year-old, giving her advice on life after she sounded disturbed about something at school. I had a feeling my ideas were not landing well but my moment of truth arrived when she turned around and pleaded, ‘Can you not be a life coach and just talk to me like a Dad?’

As a parent, I can be quick to give advice. Given my profession, I almost feel entitled to. However, just wanting to help is not enough. Particularly with teenage children, we need to know how to. Teenagers have a mind of their own and can appear resistant. Learning how to have a meaningful conversation that moves them forward is crucial.

This in turn can be a powerful opportunity for our personal growth. Children, particularly teenagers, can be true mirrors of our inner selves. As I try to practice these ideas, they have been shining light on my own biases, limiting beliefs and emotional triggers and raising my self-awareness.

Five keys to a valuable conversation

1. Treating them as equals

Teenage years are the time when children are moving from being dependent to feeling independent. This transition is difficult for both sides. As parents, we still view our children as inexperienced and vulnerable, the children see themselves as ready to make important decisions. Teenagers can come across as snappy and disrespectful; while for them, the parents can suddenly seem unreasonable and demanding.

Teenage brains are work in progress and their risk and impulse control functions are yet to develop. This, coupled with their hormonal changes, also triggers mood swings and anger. Being mindful of this can help us engage with them appropriately.

For us to pave the way for mutual love, respect and understanding, we need to start treating them as equal beings. As the German writer Johann Goethe wisely remarked, “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to…

Photo by h.koppdelaney

All our difficult relationships have a common underlying belief. As I hear myself describe a person I’m uncomfortable with, or listen to my clients portray a thorny relationship, with their colleague, spouse or someone else, the theme that I notice consistently present is, ‘I am okay, the other person is not’ – that somehow our perspective is more accurate than the other person’s.

Nilanjan, a technocrat, in his fifties, sounded disappointed while describing his relationship with his wife. He felt that she was whiling away her life; that she was not paying any attention to employing her talents towards engaging in something substantial; that she was neither focused on professional pursuits nor spiritual – the two things Nilanjan was most proud of in his own life.

Mild-mannered Gauri, considered a seriously high-potential talent by her bank, was frustrated with her boss. She found him aggressive and intimidating. According to her, he never fully listened to her ideas, had no respect for her time, and had no consideration for her family commitments. She was also quick to point how she treated her own team members so differently.

The challenge appears outside of us

Most of us tend to externalize our challenges, blaming them on someone else or the circumstances – ‘my boss is too aggressive’, ‘my spouse doesn’t care about me’, or ‘my teenage children don’t listen to me’ and so forth. It comes from the belief that our outlook and behavior are okay and theirs are not; and that if only they could change their ways, we would be in a better place.

The real change is within us

What we fail to recognize in these situations is that the real change is within us. The good news is that when we change, the world around us changes too – or at least the reality we start to experience changes.

We need to realize that our views of others are totally guided by our own limited mindset – our…