Category: Self-growth

To Build Emotional Resilience, Bury These 5 Ps

Resilience

Emotional resilience is the cornerstone of success and happiness in life. Human life invariably presents several unexpected twists and turns, many of them seemingly unpleasant. Our emotional resilience, the ability to adapt to stressful situations and crisis, determines our success, happiness and our overall life experience.

Resilient individuals are able to roll with the punches and don’t let these unfavourable situations define them. If we are low on emotional resilience, we feel frustrated, unhappy, stuck and can become depressed.

While some of us are naturally resilient, all of us can build emotional resilience by being more intentional about it. Here are five common traits that hold us back from being more resilient. Read on to learn what you can do to overcome these tendencies.

1. Personalise

We take things personally. We are conditioned to take credit for every positive development and to feel sorry and blame ourselves for every adverse situation. Any setbacks are seen as a direct reflection of our incompetence then.

If you are an emotionally sensitive person, there’s a higher chance that you are easily affected by your circumstances or others’ behaviour towards you. Any setback in personal relationships or in the workplace will likely affect you more forcefully then. You see these as a personal attack and feel like a victim.

To build emotional resilience, you have to let go of being so self-centred and stop taking things personally. You have to realise that life is evolving as it needs to and the circumstances it presents to you are not always directed at you. Likewise, if people behave in a certain way with you, it’s often not because of you, it’s because of the way they are.

2. Permanence

One of the most paralysing emotions triggered by a setback is the feeling of finality. That the damage is done and seemingly forever. If you are passed over for a promotion or lose a job or when your child doesn’t make it to their dream college, it’s easy to believe that this event is going to have…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth | 23 Comments

Is Your Child An Orchid Or A Dandelion? And Why It Matters?


We all know that each child is different. However, it can be puzzling when you are trying to make sense of dramatically different responses of two children to identical stimuli. One is carefree and the other anxious, one seems unaffected and the other very sensitive.

Breakthrough research by human development specialists Bruce Ellis of the University of Arizona and Thomas Boyce of the University of California, Berkeley, establishes how the genetic make-up influences the temperament of a child. This make-up dictates how sensitive the child is to the stresses of his environment. Using the Swedish expressions of amaskrosbarn (a dandelion child) and orkidebarn (an orchid child), they describe the two personality types.

Dandelions are hardy, resilient and adaptable. They can survive in the toughest of conditions. They even grow out of sidewalks. Likewise, children with this genetic predisposition tend to be tougher, resilient and less dependent on their environment. Orchids on the other hand are delicate and require special soil and water conditions to blossom. Similarly, the orchid type children tend to be highly sensitive, easily impacted by their environment and require a supportive ecosystem to thrive.

Why it matters

Understanding your child’s personality make-up can serve as an important guide to your parenting approach. While no child is wholly one type or another, knowing their innate make-up can help you adapt your parenting style. Besides, instead of judging them, you can more fully understand and love them for who they are.

Parenting a dandelion, you can comfortably throw more challenges at them and be less anxious if they fail. All the same, they need your love and support to grow their sensitive side. While they are strong and hardy, they can sometimes be low on empathy and compassion.

With an orchid, you need to be more mindful of offering a safety net as you challenge them. They can also feel pressured faster. You must be patient when they seem to get overwhelmed by their workload or their social situations at school. They just require more TLC…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 7 Comments

If You Can’t Do What You Love, Try Loving What You Do


Happy man working on laptop

Our society frequently promotes the idea of following one’s true passion or calling. Rightly so. I routinely encourage my clients towards it and have written a lot about it as well (Are you following your calling, Discovering your calling). Pursuing your calling is an important contributor towards experiencing deeper happiness and fulfilment.

However, it’s not always possible for everyone to follow their calling. Firstly, you may struggle to find that one dominant theme that you are passionate enough to commit your professional life to. Besides, you maybe deterred by your perceived chances of success in that path. Equally, you maybe concerned about its financial viability.

If you find yourself in such a stalemate, don’t be disheartened. You can still find happiness and meaning in your work. Here are three approaches how.

Try loving what you do

1. Examine your attitude

Talking to our domestic helper the other day, I figured that her real dream is to run a food stall back in her village in Indonesia. While the dream remains on hold, she brings a highly positive attitude towards her current job. She believes work is worship and finds joy in making others happy.

Your attitude towards what you do can often be more important than what you do. If you bring the right values towards your work, you would find the work rewarding. If you are diligent, organised, collaborative, thoughtful and open-minded, you would likely enjoy whatever you engage in. Alternately, if you don’t have the right attitude towards work, even pursuing your calling may not be a satisfying experience.

2. Amplify what you enjoy

I am sure there are aspects of your work that you greatly enjoy and find exciting. Maybe it’s meeting people from diverse backgrounds, helping your team members succeed or working on innovative projects. Identify what you most enjoy about your work and consider ways to expand the time you spend on those activities.

Getting busy with varied expectations at work, it’s easy to become disconnected with the parts that actually…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Self-growth | 5 Comments

Too Much Of A Good Thing Is Not Necessarily Good


Over ten years ago, I chose to make a life shift. A part of this was an aspiration to live my ideal day as often as possible. My vision was to coach for about six hours a day, meditate for an hour, exercise or play a sport for an hour, plenty of time with the family and a couple of hours to read and perhaps write. It’s been a dream come true!

However, over time, I began to realise that I had become quite attached to my ideal day. Particularly on weekdays, all my other plans had to be aligned to this daily routine. Missing my exercise even for a day made me uneasy. Watching even a late night grand slam final was a no-no so as to avoid the risk of being sloppy at the next morning’s meditation.

What I learnt in the process

What I have learnt in the process is that too much of a good thing is not necessarily good. While I gained tremendously from this self-discipline, I surely lost some flexibility and spontaneity in the process. While virtues are called so for a reason, we can easily become obsessed with them and in the process lose perspective. Everything has to be viewed with a sense of balance. As stoic philosophers explain, there is always an optimal value, beyond which anything is toxic, no matter what.

Do you have a parent or a family member who is super organised and always punctual. Surely a positive trait. Perhaps, they are even quite proud of it. However, have you noticed how anxious they get when things are not going to plan. How much stress they create for those around them who may be less organised. As we seek excellence at planning, we also need to cultivate acceptance – of things not always going to plan or of the value others place on being organised.

Even the universally accepted values are worth examining

Here are some quick examples of how, when taken to extreme, even some…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 29 Comments

Teenage Children: An Undeniable Learning Opportunity For Parents

Photo by erin mcconnell
Photo by erin mcconnell

The other day, I was holding forth with my 15-year-old, giving her advice on life after she sounded disturbed about something at school. I had a feeling my ideas were not landing well but my moment of truth arrived when she turned around and pleaded, ‘Can you not be a life coach and just talk to me like a Dad?’

As a parent, I can be quick to give advice. Given my profession, I almost feel entitled to. However, just wanting to help is not enough. Particularly with teenage children, we need to know how to. Teenagers have a mind of their own and can appear resistant. Learning how to have a meaningful conversation that moves them forward is crucial.

This in turn can be a powerful opportunity for our personal growth. Children, particularly teenagers, can be true mirrors of our inner selves. As I try to practice these ideas, they have been shining light on my own biases, limiting beliefs and emotional triggers and raising my self-awareness.

Five keys to a valuable conversation

1. Treating them as equals

Teenage years are the time when children are moving from being dependent to feeling independent. This transition is difficult for both sides. As parents, we still view our children as inexperienced and vulnerable, the children see themselves as ready to make important decisions. Teenagers can come across as snappy and disrespectful; while for them, the parents can suddenly seem unreasonable and demanding.

Teenage brains are work in progress and their risk and impulse control functions are yet to develop. This, coupled with their hormonal changes, also triggers mood swings and anger. Being mindful of this can help us engage with them appropriately.

For us to pave the way for mutual love, respect and understanding, we need to start treating them as equal beings. As the German writer Johann Goethe wisely remarked, “Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 15 Comments

Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Need Not Be

Photo by steenslag
Photo by steenslag

Five years ago, I found myself laid up in bed for a severe backache. The exact diagnosis was unclear and the advice from the medical practitioners (and that available freely online) was very confusing. For the most part, the pain was unbearable. It was hard for me to sleep and for some days I was almost completely immobile.

Besides the physical pain, my emotional turmoil was perceptible. I felt a loss of control – suddenly, all my plans seemed up in the air; I questioned my health regime and wondered where I had gone wrong; my attempts to meditate were rendered futile by the pain, making me doubt the point and effectiveness of my meditation practice; I was restless and vulnerable; I agonised over the lack of a clear diagnosis or the way forward.

As I resisted the reality of the situation, I suffered. The pain was circumstantial, but suffering was largely self-inflicted. As humans, illness, separation, setbacks and loss are our painful companions. We age, lose our loved ones, see a family member struggle – resulting in physical or emotional pain. However, the associated suffering in our heart and mind is paralysing.

Why do we suffer?

We suffer from our painful experiences for three key reasons.

1. Resistance

Our psyche is programmed to seek pleasure and resist pain. That’s our karmic baggage from the past. We then wish to avoid any kind of pain – physical or emotional. Pain makes us sad, frustrated and angry. We feel like a victim of our circumstances and become envious of anyone whose circumstances seem more favourable.

The reality of human experience is that Suffering = Pain X Resistance; the more we resist the reality, the more we suffer.

2. Attachment to self-image

We are attached to an idealised image of our self. Right from childhood, based on our own perception and comments from parents, teachers and friends, we form a mental impression of a perfect self. Over time, we subconsciously want…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 23 Comments

ALIGNED: 7 Happiness Mantras I Wish I Could Follow

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

Inner peace and happiness are precious goals for me. However, I am a product of my conditioned thought patterns and habits and they invariably come in the way. I would like to be empathetic, but fall into the trap of judging others; feel so grateful at times and yet get drawn into thinking what’s missing; decide to let go and then get attached to my plans.

A few months ago, I zeroed in on seven happiness mantras that I found quite central to my current journey of change. I try to remind myself of these every morning and it helps. All the same, in the busyness of life, I routinely forget to live these mantras and my hard-wired instincts take charge. As a coach, it is also a humbling reminder that change can often be difficult and slow.

Organised under the acronym ALIGNED, here are the 7 happiness mantras. Sharing these is therapeutic for me. Hope reading them is helpful for you.

Acceptance

One key area I find challenging and need to stay mindful of is to accept the present reality as is. Often, I get sidetracked by thoughts of what should have been, could have been, and would have been. Other than to learn from an experience, it doesn’t serve to overthink hypothetical scenarios. Accepting the current reality, however unpleasant, gives us peace and allows us to focus on whatever is required in the moment.

Acceptance is the true meditative state and a real path for liberation. If we have the mental and emotional strength to accept any situation- any outcome- we can be free of all our anxieties, fears and insecurities. It’s not what happens to us, it’s our relationship with what happens to us that determines our inner state. Aging is irreversible – I can be bitter about it or choose to be graceful.

One simple principle I am trying to practice to build my capacity for acceptance is to avoid complaining or whining…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 18 Comments

Dissolve Your Ego For A Happier Life

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

The other day I was swimming in our building’s pool. After a few minutes, I noticed a stranger get into the pool and start to swim next to me. I am not sure why, but I instinctively felt the need to swim faster. After two quicker laps, I started to wonder what I was doing and how silly I was being. What had suddenly made me behave this way? My ego.

That’s what makes us feel slighted when our kids don’t necessary follow our instructions, feel upset when our colleagues give us critical feedback, or experience envy at a friend’s success.

Ego

Fundamentally, ego is a misplaced sense of self. In denial of who we truly are, ego exaggerates our sense of importance as a separate entity. It overlooks our reality as an integral part of an interconnected cosmic consciousness. Because we see ourselves in isolation of everything else, we naturally consider it our primary goal to protect and enhance ourselves.

As we grow up, the ego arising from this sense of separation gets further corrupted. Unable to emotionally cope with life’s challenges, we build a shield of unhealthy ego to protect our vulnerabilities. We show off to establish our importance; avoid an argument to protect ourselves from the risk of being disliked; and judge others to protect and enhance our self-image.

Ego is central to unhappiness

Ego makes us self-absorbed. We become too attached to the ideas of ‘I’, ‘me’ and ‘mine. We obsess about benefitting from all our actions. This is a key source of stress in our life. Since we cannot control all outcomes, results that differ from our desires routinely create anxiety, anger and sadness.

Besides, we take everything personally. We perceive our lucky breaks as a product of our smarts and the unfavourable events as a reflection of our limitations. This further bruises our emotional well-being. Obsessed with our individuality and free will, we fail to recognize the role of cosmic intelligence in…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 5 Comments

Meditation And The Myth Of Thoughtlessness


Photo by h.koppdelaney

Do you feel disappointed every time you meditate but don’t experience thoughtlessness? Do you wonder how some meditators seem to routinely enjoy this calming blank space between thoughts? Have you given up your practice because you had too many thoughts while meditating and couldn’t seem to shake them off?

Be anxious no more! In this post, I would like to deconstruct the myth of thoughtlessness and clarify the real objective of meditation. However, before we examine this myth, let’s understand why do we have thoughts in the first place.

Why do we have thoughts

Thoughts are an outcome of our desires which in turn emanate from two key sources. Firstly, they are rooted in our sense of identity. The identity of an independent self, the ‘I’, which is experiencing everything from pain and pleasure to sadness and joy. This identity is intertwined with our human experience. As long as we are in a human body form, we stay attached to this identity and continue to have thoughts.

Secondly, the human form contains the intelligence of our past karma. That’s the storehouse of the net psycho-spiritual effect of all our cumulative intent, volitions and actions across all lifetimes. It includes the seeds of all our desires, aversions, and attachments. This karmic imprint also dictates our judgmental nature – our tendency to judge everything as good or bad.

We remain a prisoner to our desires and attachments. This coupled with our preference for what appears favourable and distaste for the seemingly unfavourable, continually generates new thoughts and emotions.

Myth of thoughtlessness

There are innumerable meditation techniques out there – from chanting, observing the breath and mindfulness to transcendental meditation, zen and vipassana. Irrespective of the specific practice, a commonly held belief is that the aim of meditation is to experience thoughtlessness. Given the extent of constant mental chatter we experience, this sounds like a really attractive goal.

But it’s quite misleading! When we make thoughtlessness the central objective of our meditation…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 18 Comments

Combating Our Inner Demons

Photo by h.koppdelaney
Photo by h.koppdelaney

Do you struggle with anxiety, fear, self-doubt, guilt or envy? I continue to – although nowadays perhaps with greater awareness. Anxiety about the impact children’s certain traits may have on their future, judging others and myself harshly, aversion to setbacks, fear of social disapproval, attachment to favourable outcomes, or even the unending doubts about my swing on the golf course!

Key human challenge

Any strongly felt negative emotions are our inner demons. We all have our fair share of them. They collectively operate like a convincing inner voice that significantly influences our every day thoughts and behavior. A majority of our inner demons are inborn. It’s kind of our karmic imprint. With childhood and other life experiences, they evolve. However, unless we consciously work towards resolving them, they continue to haunt us.

One of the key reasons we are unable to shake them off is that we are simply caught up in our outer and visible life. We pay disproportionate attention to our material growth and strongly identify with that progress. In the process, we loose sight of the inner journey – the need and the opportunity to reform our inner selves. Besides, we obsess about how we are perceived by others. We routinely judge others and in turn worry about being judged by our peers and social network.

While material progress is important, it’s not the core purpose of life. Alongside playing various visible roles at work, home and in our community, we have a deeper purpose to fulfil. It is to overcome our personal inner demons and to steadily replace them with courage, trust, love, compassion and mindfulness; and through that, discover our true potential for living a happy, balanced and meaningful life.

Impact on effectiveness

Our professional and personal effectiveness is directly and negatively impacted by the hold these inner demons have on our mental make-up. Elite sports psychologists repeatedly highlight that performance equals potential minus interference. True in life too. Our mental…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 7 Comments