Category: Self-growth

Can’t Go Outside? Try Going Inside

Calm

My 87-years old dad went through the second world war, the India-Pakistan partition and even went to jail for Mahatma Gandhi’s Jail Bharo Andolan. Chatting with him on the current pandemic was insightful. Here are four key thoughts that arose from that discussion.

Calm amidst the panic

Fear levels around us are high and palpable. The reality is that our prehistoric brain is wired for survival – not peace and equanimity. We instinctively feel fearful with even the slightest of triggers affecting our survival. (Think stepping on a rope in the dark!) The current crisis is unprecedented and potentially devastating at multiple levels. It may turn out to be a generation-defining event. Fear is naturally turning to panic.

While fear and panic are totally understandable, we need to recognise the need to stay calm. Being calm and positive (while staying vigilant and following all the necessary guidelines) is the key to effectively working our way through any crisis. Listening to the horror stories of the partition from my dad, it is clear that if the health crisis continues, each of us will likely experience a roller coaster of emotions – from denial, anxiety, anger and panic to sadness and despair.

To build greater equanimity, it helps to switch off from the external world of news and social media and instead focus on our inner world. Simply sitting still and becoming an observer of our varying emotions helps. It is important that while observing our emotions, we remain focused only on observing, without judging them (or ourselves). With consistent practice, the volatility of our emotions does subside. (Read: Try mindfulness meditation and ABC of anxiety)

We along with I

With the virus spreading rapidly, protecting ourselves and our loved ones is important. However, if we are healthy, it is essential that we also pay attention to helping others in any way we can. Whether it is the frontline health workers, the daily wage earners or the families of our domestic helpers. Being helpful is…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Community, Global challenges, Leadership, Self-growth | 17 Comments

The ABC of Anxiety! And DE of Managing It

ABC of Anxiety

The news of the latest promotions was devastating for Francis. He was one of the leading candidates for the Chief Strategy Officer role and had been anxious for months to get it. Not only did he not get the position, but one of his peers was going to be his new manager. He felt let down and sad. He felt sorry for himself and was deeply concerned about his stature within and outside the firm. Anxiety had found a real toehold.

Francis’ experience is not unusual. We all routinely experience significant anxiety about our business targets, financial rewards, social status, parents’ health, children’s future, personal well-being and so forth. Underlying all such anxiety is an established pattern – first established by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotional Behavioural Therapy, it’s the pattern of ABC.

The ABC of it

‘A’ stands for adversity. It indicates any kind of setback that we experience or anticipate experiencing. ‘C’ represents the consequences of that setback – how we emotionally experience it. Whether we feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, worried, helpless etc.

While we are quick to rationalise how ‘A’ directly leads to our state of ‘C’, there is invariably a factor in-between these two states. The factor of ‘B’. ‘B’ stands for our beliefs. All our thoughts and feelings emanate from our deep-seated beliefs. These personal beliefs determine the consequences of adversity for each of us – how we feel with every real or anticipated setback.

There are two kinds of beliefs that particularly contribute towards our anxiety. The first center around the absolute necessity of certain outcomes in our mind. I absolutely must get promoted; my children absolutely must love me as much I love them; I absolutely must never do any thing less than perfect. The absolute nature of such mental demands creates anxiety. Besides, not achieving these absolute goals results in our feeling like a failure. The second set of unhelpful beliefs are usually around our desire for approval by others. We wish for…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 11 Comments

This New Year: Whatever Your Goals, Try Practicing This


Shankar, a Chennai-based businessman, was disturbed by his 19-year-old son Arjun’s sudden change in behaviour. Arjun is a bright, driven and hardworking student. At his high school, he was not only one of the top students, but also an accomplished guitarist and a member of the swim team. He was a bit reserved though and felt uncomfortable outside of his circle of close friends.

However, within his first semester at a university in Chicago, he started to feel socially anxious. He was scared of meeting new people and avoided all social events on campus. He began to feel isolated and depressed. His grades started to drop. Uncomfortable with the idea, he avoided discussing about this with his parents. But when he was home during the winter break, his parents started to notice some changes in his behaviour. He would stay in his room till late morning and displayed no interest in music, exercising or even going out – things he previously loved.

When the parents asked him about it, he kind of dismissed it as nothing significant. As the break went by, the parents became more anxious and impatient with his unexplained behaviour. Shankar tried motivating him to get on with things. By the time it was summer break, the parents were beginning to feel helpless. They felt that their son didn’t care about his goals, that he was being irresponsible and would let himself and them down. As they arranged for counselling sessions for him, they continued to cajole him to improve and get back on track.

All along missing the point. That, what Arjun needed most was not advice, but their love – unconditional love. That when someone’s confidence, self-belief and self-worth are on the low, they don’t need motivating speeches; they need acceptance and love. Not feeling judged and instead feeling accepted and loved for who they are (despite their imperfections), by people they care about, is crucial for their healing.

While Shankar has since made amends, we can all improve on…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 17 Comments

Will The Rich Change For The Sake Of The Climate?


“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it.” ~ Mark Twain.

I too have been guilty of this. I thought I was doing my bit by segregating waste, using more recycled products, buying more organic food, avoiding plastic, using energy saving devices and so forth. Clearly, I was lulled into a sense of complacency. However, triggered by the onslaught of adverse news, from Delhi pollution and the Venice flooding to forest fires in California and Australia, I decided to calculate my own annual carbon footprint.

It is roughly 11 tons. Just to put it in perspective, an average American’s annual carbon footprint is 16T, an average Indian is 1.8T and the global average is around 4.5T. If the world follows through on the Paris climate change accord, the global average would need to be below 2T by 2050. I guess that’s what my goal should be – progressively reducing my carbon footprint from 11T to 2T.

Looking through the data, what was apparent was that the biggest contributors of CO2 emissions for me are: a) use of my car, b) consumption of food and other household products, c) international travel, and d) use of electricity. Incidentally, I work from home and use my car only 3-4 times a week, I am not an extravagant spender and my international travel is limited to a couple of holidays and a few short work-related trips every year. If you are a business leader, I wonder what your carbon footprint might be?

As I analyse my options for the way forward, it is becoming quite evident that there aren’t many easy answers and that we would need more substantive shifts. I thought of sharing with you some of the views I have explored in case they are helpful in some way.

Calculate your carbon footprint

What gets measured gets done. If we don’t have a clear measure of our carbon footprint and its sources, we may remain ignorant of the personal efforts we need to make…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Leadership, Self-growth | 6 Comments

What Are You More Afraid Of: Failure Or Rejection?


Stepping on to the tee box, I could feel my heart rate going up. I was definitely nervous. Since starting to learn the game, this was the first time I was going to be playing with friends who were clearly better golfers than me.

I surely didn’t want it to be a disappointing round – unfortunately, in golf, that happens way too often. However, I was more concerned about being considered a hopeless player. To pre-empt such an outcome, I instinctively declared that I was a complete novice; and how I had slept poorly the previous night.

I was more worried about rejection (my friends thinking poorly of me) than failure (not playing well). Most of us have a fear of failure. That’s the reason for our discomfort with taking risks. That’s why we are anxious about being passed over for a promotion or our business not taking off or our children’s progress not meeting our expectations.

However, beneath this fear of failure, we are actually afraid of rejection – the dreadful feeling that our peers may perceive us poorly.  Humans are social animals and we derive a considerable part of our self-identity from our perception of how others think of us. Many of us base our self-worth on our apparent relative status within our social circle.

Moreover, activities that enhance our relative status act as a mood booster. Activities that decrease that status, or even merely create the fear of a decline, result in release of stress hormones. The risk of social rejection is paralysing for us. As a result, we fail to pursue our passion and bring our true self to the world. We also continue to conform to our social circle’s expectations, even though we may suffer within.

The antidote

Happier people have a healthier sense of self-worth and prefer living by their own standards. They are comfortable in their own skin and are happy being themselves. Not that they are over-confident or have an excessive self-belief; they…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 6 Comments

The Bane Of Modern Society: Excessive Individualism


Individualism has been on the ascent across the world over the past few decades. Individualism per se is not necessarily bad. Individualism treats each individual as an independent entity and favours individual freedom over collective or state control. It encourages individuals to have a greater sense of self-responsibility and offers rewards more directly linked to their contributions. This empowering approach may well be responsible for some of the extraordinary achievements of individuals in the fields of business, science, technology and even sports.

However, I believe we have reached a stage where the balance between what’s good for the individual and what’s good for society may have tilted too much towards the individual. Fuelled by instant and disproportionate rewards for individual success in a capitalistic world, ‘I’, ‘Me’ and ‘Mine’ have taken centre-stage in our lives. The mantra of ‘winner takes all’ makes us self-centred. We instinctively perceive the world from a competitive lens rather than a collaborative one.

Books and media are a telling reflection of this cultural change. Scanning Google’s digitised database of over five million books, research has revealed that between 1960 and 2008, individualistic expressions like self, unique, all about me, I am special, and I’m the best have grown significantly. During that time, use of words like kindness, helpfulness, gratitude and modesty declined by over 70%. 

Effects of excessive individualism

Individualism becomes excessive when instead of acknowledging that Everyone is special, we emphasise on I am special. The ugly side of this shift is now on display in all aspects of our society. Excessive individualism divides society into winner and losers. As a result, depression is on the rise, particularly among the young. It only gets worse by spending time on social media where narcissism is on the up and respect for others on the down. Personal relationships are quick to fracture and marriages break routinely. With the intent to enhance…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Leadership, Self-growth | 16 Comments

Alter Your Relationship With Disagreements


Joseph runs the Asia marketing division for a multinational corporation. He hated disagreements. Harmony was his overwhelming preference. He tended to avoid any confrontation with his colleagues as well as his family members. He felt uncomfortable even when people he cared about were arguing with each other. His colleagues described him as diplomatic as he always found ways to not take sides in any argument.

While he felt comfortable with this approach, this was clearly impacting his effectiveness. He found it hard to call out under-performers in his team. He also struggled to influence his seniors and peers as he failed to engage in difficult conversations with them. Likewise, it affected his relationships at home.

During our work together, as he chose to examine his tendencies, he became more aware of his personality traits and core beliefs underlying this behaviour. He recognised that he’s a sensitive person and avoids confrontation to minimise the risk of being hurt. He also viewed disagreements as a win-lose contest, where only one person could win and the other had to lose.

Most importantly, he became very aware of his intrinsic need to be liked. He was subconsciously operating from the belief that if he had a disagreement with someone, they would feel offended. Or worse, they may dislike him. He simply assumed that everyone was as sensitive as him and that they would take any argument as a personal attack.

With continued reflections, he realised that he clearly had an unhealthy relationship with ‘disagreements’. Here are three ideas he has been successfully working on to reform this relationship.

1. View disagreements as integral to a healthy relationship

He has begun to appreciate that while harmony is important for a lasting relationship, it doesn’t need to be that way a hundred percent of the time. Whenever two people engage in a…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Relationships, Self-growth | 3 Comments

Are You A Maximiser Or A Satisficer? The Answer Shapes Your Life


Last week, I was at an anniversary celebration of a start-up organisation I have worked with. The dinner buffet was quite a spread. The choice from a variety of Western, Japanese, Indian, Thai, Indonesian and Singaporean fare was overwhelming. Most of us sampled different dishes, but somehow felt dissatisfied for not having tried them all. A few of us were happy sticking to just a few dishes. It reminded me of the idea of maximisers and satisficers, popularised by Barry Schwartz, professor of psychology at Swarthmore College.

Maximiser

If you are a maximiser, you like to maximise your experience from every decision. You tend to regard every decision as a problem to be solved – with the underlying belief that there’s only one solution that would give you the best outcome. You are always keen to explore all possibilities, research them well, and then decide. You don’t like to take the chance of making a sub-optimal decision. You would hate to have tried the dishes that didn’t maximise your lunch experience.

Unfortunately, this approach does not make us content and happy. Since arriving at the ideal outcome is key to our approach, we routinely like to compare with others’ outcomes. When we find that some others have gotten to a better outcome, we feel dissatisfied. For example, when our peers do better at work or friends’ children seem to achieve more or others whose plate looks more stimulating.

Imagine driving home through a busy road. As a maximiser, you would be constantly estimating which lane would move quicker and be willing to keep changing lanes to get home faster. Notwithstanding the road etiquette concerns, how do you feel when the vehicles in the other lane actually move faster?

Satisficer

The other dominant type is the satisficer.  If you are a satisficer, you prefer peace and contentment over desperately arriving at the ideal solution. You are willing to work…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Self-growth | 21 Comments

Get Better At The One Thing That Matters

Unconditional love

My mother-in-law passed away a few years ago. I was very close to her. In the last few weeks of her life, she stayed with us as she received treatment for her brain tumour. It was an emotional time for the family. We felt terribly sad, disturbed and helpless. We also experienced a deep sense of love – amongst all the family members, as we supported each other in lovingly taking care of her and sending her healing energy.

I personally also experienced an unusual insight. In her dying moments, as I looked into her eyes, she seemed to have only one question – “Did I love enough?” While her answer for this question must have been resoundingly positive, I wondered what my response would be for myself. In the busyness of life, how attentive am I to being loving? As a life partner, parent, son and friend, what proportion of my thoughts and actions emanate from a place of love and what from fear, ego, and insecurity?

As I search for greater inner growth, I have started to realise that spiritual growth is nothing but our ability to unconditionally love. It has to begin with learning to love and accept ourselves fully. Only then can we unconditionally love our family and friends; and eventually be equipped to love all beings. Here are some thoughts on what comes in the way of practicing this and what can help.

What comes in the way?

Firstly, it’s our judgmental nature. We grow up feeling judged by our parents, teachers and peers. If our home, school or work environment constantly judges, praises and dismisses others, for certain traits, it creates a mental map for our judgmental perceptions. If success, self-confidence and extroversion are revered in our ecosystem, we constantly judge ourselves against those traits. We use the same measures to judge…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 16 Comments

What Makes A Good Life?


A great career, financial success, a nice family, loads of friends, active social life and exciting holidays make a good life, right? We may need to think again! Every so often, I have admired the cheerfulness and tranquillity of many of the security guards, cleaners and gardeners at our building. They arrive at work earlier than required, are always very willing to help and do it with a smile. I have chatted with a couple of them at times and found their approach to life a revealing reminder of what makes a good life.

Firstly, true quality of life is a reflection not of our standard of living but how we experience life within. Secondly, it is a measure of our level of freedom from our volatile emotional-mental states; how well we have won over our frequent feelings of anxiety, fear and envy or craving for a different life. I have noticed three principles that contribute to such a good life.

1. Morality

We cannot be at peace or experience emotional freedom without a clear conscience. A high sense of moral integrity is important for a healthy inner life. Without the strength of character, we can easily compromise on ‘minor’ infractions on integrity. We tell white lies, choose convenience over righteousness and assume that the end somehow justifies the means. It doesn’t!

The emotional residue of any wrongdoing stays and accumulates in our psyche and manifests itself in one negative emotion or the other. For example, guilt results in anxiety, irritability and lower self-esteem. Immoral conduct in business or personal life corrupts and weakens us. Choosing to do the right thing strengthens our inner being.

2. Inner compass

To experience emotional freedom, it’s important to live life on our own terms. We feel free when we align our life to our innate…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 16 Comments