Category: Self-growth

This New Year: Whatever Your Goals, Try Practicing This


Shankar, a Chennai-based businessman, was disturbed by his 19-year-old son Arjun’s sudden change in behaviour. Arjun is a bright, driven and hardworking student. At his high school, he was not only one of the top students, but also an accomplished guitarist and a member of the swim team. He was a bit reserved though and felt uncomfortable outside of his circle of close friends.

However, within his first semester at a university in Chicago, he started to feel socially anxious. He was scared of meeting new people and avoided all social events on campus. He began to feel isolated and depressed. His grades started to drop. Uncomfortable with the idea, he avoided discussing about this with his parents. But when he was home during the winter break, his parents started to notice some changes in his behaviour. He would stay in his room till late morning and displayed no interest in music, exercising or even going out – things he previously loved.

When the parents asked him about it, he kind of dismissed it as nothing significant. As the break went by, the parents became more anxious and impatient with his unexplained behaviour. Shankar tried motivating him to get on with things. By the time it was summer break, the parents were beginning to feel helpless. They felt that their son didn’t care about his goals, that he was being irresponsible and would let himself and them down. As they arranged for counselling sessions for him, they continued to cajole him to improve and get back on track.

All along missing the point. That, what Arjun needed most was not advice, but their love – unconditional love. That when someone’s confidence, self-belief and self-worth are on the low, they don’t need motivating speeches; they need acceptance and love. Not feeling judged and instead feeling accepted and loved for who they are (despite their imperfections), by people they care about, is crucial for their healing.

While Shankar has since made amends, we can all improve on…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 17 Comments

Will The Rich Change For The Sake Of The Climate?


“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it.” ~ Mark Twain.

I too have been guilty of this. I thought I was doing my bit by segregating waste, using more recycled products, buying more organic food, avoiding plastic, using energy saving devices and so forth. Clearly, I was lulled into a sense of complacency. However, triggered by the onslaught of adverse news, from Delhi pollution and the Venice flooding to forest fires in California and Australia, I decided to calculate my own annual carbon footprint.

It is roughly 11 tons. Just to put it in perspective, an average American’s annual carbon footprint is 16T, an average Indian is 1.8T and the global average is around 4.5T. If the world follows through on the Paris climate change accord, the global average would need to be below 2T by 2050. I guess that’s what my goal should be – progressively reducing my carbon footprint from 11T to 2T.

Looking through the data, what was apparent was that the biggest contributors of CO2 emissions for me are: a) use of my car, b) consumption of food and other household products, c) international travel, and d) use of electricity. Incidentally, I work from home and use my car only 3-4 times a week, I am not an extravagant spender and my international travel is limited to a couple of holidays and a few short work-related trips every year. If you are a business leader, I wonder what your carbon footprint might be?

As I analyse my options for the way forward, it is becoming quite evident that there aren’t many easy answers and that we would need more substantive shifts. I thought of sharing with you some of the views I have explored in case they are helpful in some way.

Calculate your carbon footprint

What gets measured gets done. If we don’t have a clear measure of our carbon footprint and its sources, we may remain ignorant of the personal efforts we need to make…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Leadership, Self-growth | 6 Comments

What Are You More Afraid Of: Failure Or Rejection?


Stepping on to the tee box, I could feel my heart rate going up. I was definitely nervous. Since starting to learn the game, this was the first time I was going to be playing with friends who were clearly better golfers than me.

I surely didn’t want it to be a disappointing round – unfortunately, in golf, that happens way too often. However, I was more concerned about being considered a hopeless player. To pre-empt such an outcome, I instinctively declared that I was a complete novice; and how I had slept poorly the previous night.

I was more worried about rejection (my friends thinking poorly of me) than failure (not playing well). Most of us have a fear of failure. That’s the reason for our discomfort with taking risks. That’s why we are anxious about being passed over for a promotion or our business not taking off or our children’s progress not meeting our expectations.

However, beneath this fear of failure, we are actually afraid of rejection – the dreadful feeling that our peers may perceive us poorly.  Humans are social animals and we derive a considerable part of our self-identity from our perception of how others think of us. Many of us base our self-worth on our apparent relative status within our social circle.

Moreover, activities that enhance our relative status act as a mood booster. Activities that decrease that status, or even merely create the fear of a decline, result in release of stress hormones. The risk of social rejection is paralysing for us. As a result, we fail to pursue our passion and bring our true self to the world. We also continue to conform to our social circle’s expectations, even though we may suffer within.

The antidote

Happier people have a healthier sense of self-worth and prefer living by their own standards. They are comfortable in their own skin and are happy being themselves. Not that they are over-confident or have an excessive self-belief; they…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 6 Comments

The Bane Of Modern Society: Excessive Individualism


Individualism has been on the ascent across the world over the past few decades. Individualism per se is not necessarily bad. Individualism treats each individual as an independent entity and favours individual freedom over collective or state control. It encourages individuals to have a greater sense of self-responsibility and offers rewards more directly linked to their contributions. This empowering approach may well be responsible for some of the extraordinary achievements of individuals in the fields of business, science, technology and even sports.

However, I believe we have reached a stage where the balance between what’s good for the individual and what’s good for society may have tilted too much towards the individual. Fuelled by instant and disproportionate rewards for individual success in a capitalistic world, ‘I’, ‘Me’ and ‘Mine’ have taken centre-stage in our lives. The mantra of ‘winner takes all’ makes us self-centred. We instinctively perceive the world from a competitive lens rather than a collaborative one.

Books and media are a telling reflection of this cultural change. Scanning Google’s digitised database of over five million books, research has revealed that between 1960 and 2008, individualistic expressions like self, unique, all about me, I am special, and I’m the best have grown significantly. During that time, use of words like kindness, helpfulness, gratitude and modesty declined by over 70%. 

Effects of excessive individualism

Individualism becomes excessive when instead of acknowledging that Everyone is special, we emphasise on I am special. The ugly side of this shift is now on display in all aspects of our society. Excessive individualism divides society into winner and losers. As a result, depression is on the rise, particularly among the young. It only gets worse by spending time on social media where narcissism is on the up and respect for others on the down. Personal relationships are quick to fracture and marriages break routinely. With the intent to enhance…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Leadership, Self-growth | 16 Comments

Alter Your Relationship With Disagreements


Joseph runs the Asia marketing division for a multinational corporation. He hated disagreements. Harmony was his overwhelming preference. He tended to avoid any confrontation with his colleagues as well as his family members. He felt uncomfortable even when people he cared about were arguing with each other. His colleagues described him as diplomatic as he always found ways to not take sides in any argument.

While he felt comfortable with this approach, this was clearly impacting his effectiveness. He found it hard to call out under-performers in his team. He also struggled to influence his seniors and peers as he failed to engage in difficult conversations with them. Likewise, it affected his relationships at home.

During our work together, as he chose to examine his tendencies, he became more aware of his personality traits and core beliefs underlying this behaviour. He recognised that he’s a sensitive person and avoids confrontation to minimise the risk of being hurt. He also viewed disagreements as a win-lose contest, where only one person could win and the other had to lose.

Most importantly, he became very aware of his intrinsic need to be liked. He was subconsciously operating from the belief that if he had a disagreement with someone, they would feel offended. Or worse, they may dislike him. He simply assumed that everyone was as sensitive as him and that they would take any argument as a personal attack.

With continued reflections, he realised that he clearly had an unhealthy relationship with ‘disagreements’. Here are three ideas he has been successfully working on to reform this relationship.

1. View disagreements as integral to a healthy relationship

He has begun to appreciate that while harmony is important for a lasting relationship, it doesn’t need to be that way a hundred percent of the time. Whenever two people engage in a…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Relationships, Self-growth | 3 Comments

Are You A Maximiser Or A Satisficer? The Answer Shapes Your Life


Last week, I was at an anniversary celebration of a start-up organisation I have worked with. The dinner buffet was quite a spread. The choice from a variety of Western, Japanese, Indian, Thai, Indonesian and Singaporean fare was overwhelming. Most of us sampled different dishes, but somehow felt dissatisfied for not having tried them all. A few of us were happy sticking to just a few dishes. It reminded me of the idea of maximisers and satisficers, popularised by Barry Schwartz, professor of psychology at Swarthmore College.

Maximiser

If you are a maximiser, you like to maximise your experience from every decision. You tend to regard every decision as a problem to be solved – with the underlying belief that there’s only one solution that would give you the best outcome. You are always keen to explore all possibilities, research them well, and then decide. You don’t like to take the chance of making a sub-optimal decision. You would hate to have tried the dishes that didn’t maximise your lunch experience.

Unfortunately, this approach does not make us content and happy. Since arriving at the ideal outcome is key to our approach, we routinely like to compare with others’ outcomes. When we find that some others have gotten to a better outcome, we feel dissatisfied. For example, when our peers do better at work or friends’ children seem to achieve more or others whose plate looks more stimulating.

Imagine driving home through a busy road. As a maximiser, you would be constantly estimating which lane would move quicker and be willing to keep changing lanes to get home faster. Notwithstanding the road etiquette concerns, how do you feel when the vehicles in the other lane actually move faster?

Satisficer

The other dominant type is the satisficer.  If you are a satisficer, you prefer peace and contentment over desperately arriving at the ideal solution. You are willing to work…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Self-growth | 21 Comments

Get Better At The One Thing That Matters

Unconditional love

My mother-in-law passed away a few years ago. I was very close to her. In the last few weeks of her life, she stayed with us as she received treatment for her brain tumour. It was an emotional time for the family. We felt terribly sad, disturbed and helpless. We also experienced a deep sense of love – amongst all the family members, as we supported each other in lovingly taking care of her and sending her healing energy.

I personally also experienced an unusual insight. In her dying moments, as I looked into her eyes, she seemed to have only one question – “Did I love enough?” While her answer for this question must have been resoundingly positive, I wondered what my response would be for myself. In the busyness of life, how attentive am I to being loving? As a life partner, parent, son and friend, what proportion of my thoughts and actions emanate from a place of love and what from fear, ego, and insecurity?

As I search for greater inner growth, I have started to realise that spiritual growth is nothing but our ability to unconditionally love. It has to begin with learning to love and accept ourselves fully. Only then can we unconditionally love our family and friends; and eventually be equipped to love all beings. Here are some thoughts on what comes in the way of practicing this and what can help.

What comes in the way?

Firstly, it’s our judgmental nature. We grow up feeling judged by our parents, teachers and peers. If our home, school or work environment constantly judges, praises and dismisses others, for certain traits, it creates a mental map for our judgmental perceptions. If success, self-confidence and extroversion are revered in our ecosystem, we constantly judge ourselves against those traits. We use the same measures to judge…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Relationships, Self-growth | 16 Comments

What Makes A Good Life?


A great career, financial success, a nice family, loads of friends, active social life and exciting holidays make a good life, right? We may need to think again! Every so often, I have admired the cheerfulness and tranquillity of many of the security guards, cleaners and gardeners at our building. They arrive at work earlier than required, are always very willing to help and do it with a smile. I have chatted with a couple of them at times and found their approach to life a revealing reminder of what makes a good life.

Firstly, true quality of life is a reflection not of our standard of living but how we experience life within. Secondly, it is a measure of our level of freedom from our volatile emotional-mental states; how well we have won over our frequent feelings of anxiety, fear and envy or craving for a different life. I have noticed three principles that contribute to such a good life.

1. Morality

We cannot be at peace or experience emotional freedom without a clear conscience. A high sense of moral integrity is important for a healthy inner life. Without the strength of character, we can easily compromise on ‘minor’ infractions on integrity. We tell white lies, choose convenience over righteousness and assume that the end somehow justifies the means. It doesn’t!

The emotional residue of any wrongdoing stays and accumulates in our psyche and manifests itself in one negative emotion or the other. For example, guilt results in anxiety, irritability and lower self-esteem. Immoral conduct in business or personal life corrupts and weakens us. Choosing to do the right thing strengthens our inner being.

2. Inner compass

To experience emotional freedom, it’s important to live life on our own terms. We feel free when we align our life to our innate…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 16 Comments

Nature Doesn’t Rush, Yet Accomplishes Everything: Reflections For The Restless


A committed meditation student was very keen to become a master. He went to a guru and asked him, “How long would it take?” The guru replied: “Ten years.” The student, a bit impatient, was disappointed and queried, “But I want to master it faster than that, I will work very hard, and practice ten or more hours a day if necessary. How long would it then take?” The guru smiled and remarked, “Twenty years.”

We are routinely restless about our future. We want to be sure that we will achieve our desired outcomes. Besides, we are constantly striving for something more satisfying. We wish for more success, recognition, wealth, comfort, love and recognition. Our addiction to smart phones and social media is a reflection of this underlying restlessness.

While some level of restlessness is healthy, in high doses, it drains our focus and energy. In the process, not only are we less effective at whatever we are doing, but also are unable to enjoy the present. Here are three reflective perspectives to address this.

1. Trust the universal intelligence

Nature accomplishes all its results by surrendering to the universal intelligence. This intelligence is not only present within us, but also governs all our vital functions. It runs our digestive, nervous and reproductive systems; manifests our DNA and karmic imprint; and also dictates our cycle of birth and death. In its presence, we are always evolving, as we need to.

However, in our individualistic society, we have a misplaced sense of self-importance. Human mind is a blessing, but also a curse. A powerful mind anxiously wants to shape and bend the flow of the universal intelligence to suit its own wishes. Caught up in its restlessness for more, we become disconnected with the potential of our deeper innate intelligence. When we learn to trust that intelligence and believe that the way our life is evolving is for our highest good, we are more productive and feel more at peace.

2. Discover the right potential

One of the key…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 18 Comments

To Go From Expertise To Mastery: Learn To Let Go


Last year I had a slight brush with the notion of mastery. I received the accreditation of Master-level Coach from the International Coach Federation (ICF). ICF, the global gold standard in coaching, has three levels of accreditations – Associate, Professional and Master. Going through these levels involves rigorous evaluation. This includes a certain number of hours of coaching experience and a review of actual recorded coaching sessions. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that less than five per cent of all credentialed coaches worldwide have received the Master level.

When I shared this with one of my clients, he curiously asked me, “As a coach, what’s the real difference between the professional and the master level?” My instinct was to say, ‘greater expertise’. But after some reflection, I responded, “As an associate you are comfortable with the fundamentals of coaching and as a professional you are proficient at those skills. The real difference at the master level is that you are now willing to let go of the narrow path of a trained approach and more willing to go with the flow. You are truly in tandem with the energy of the client; you rely on your intuition and are spontaneous in choosing an approach that would be most helpful for the client.”

That was a new insight for me. I have since been more aware of the power of letting go in pursuit of mastery in any craft. This is not to negate the relevance of long hours (some suggest 10,000) of practice. However, when you become really good at something, the breakthrough to mastery only comes with learning to let go of the attachment to those skills and to the outcomes of your effort.

How does Federer do it?

Roger Federer is a true master of his sport. Passion, perseverance and an extraordinary level of proficiency are surely crucial to his success. But, to excel at an elite level, he also needs one more trait – the ability to let go. The ability…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 9 Comments