Category: Self-growth

The Fundamental Design Flaw in Humans

Six Senses and Reality

What makes the human experience interesting, rich and fun are our six senses, the sixth being our mind. However, the same senses act as a nearly impossible barrier for us to realise the deepest truth about ourselves.

These senses are our window to the external world. The greatest pleasures in our life seemingly come from experiences derived from these senses. The eyes admire beauty, the taste buds relish gourmet food and a lover’s touch makes the heart sing. However, these senses are fundamentally flawed. This apparatus, while a valuable gift to experience the world, comes with some serious design limitations.

The design flaw

Our mind is severely constrained in what it can perceive through the five senses. We cannot see everything as our sight is limited by the light frequencies our eyes can process. Likewise for our hearing. Snakes and dogs who can see and hear different frequencies must be constructing a different world. We can’t register any visuals that appear faster than 1/8th of a second as distinct. That’s why we perceive a series of rapidly shot still images as a continuous video.

We are able to process only a tiny portion of the energy vibrating out there and consider it as the reality. We believe the sky to be blue; although it’s the scattering of the blue light absorbed by the atmosphere that makes it appear so. The moon doesn’t rise, but is only visible at night. The house you live in is not exactly still; but is constantly rotating and revolving at great speeds along with the earth. You get the idea!

The reality

For the past five millennia, scriptures, sages and mystics have appealed to us to explore and contemplate the absolute reality. The reality of an all-pervading, all-encompassing and all-knowing energy field. That we are made of the same energy and everything and every being is an integral part of this whole. And that there’s no separate self even though we clearly perceive ourselves as distinct from everything else….

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 15 Comments

Two Questions Worth Asking Yourself This New Year

Who am I and What am I doing here

Hope you had a restful year-end break. As I enjoyed a relaxed time with family and friends, a few conversations did go past the usual reminiscing of pre-Covid life and how much the world has changed since. One thing became quite clear from that. While a lot has changed, at a deeper level we remain sorely stuck in old ways.

We have proven our resilience, but we still react only to short-term challenges. We just don’t seem to have the will to examine the fundamental and long-term issues. During the crisis, we discovered our ability to reflect and be purposeful. But we have quickly lost it in the rush to get back to the life as we knew it. Consumerism wins over conservation, convenience over what’s right, and instant gratification over mindful living. Again! Over the past two years, we resolved to be kinder, more empathetic and loving. But that resolve doesn’t seem to last against our strong wiring to be self-centred and egoistic.

All these are symptoms of a deeper illness. It’s our poor and deteriorating relationship with ourselves and by extension with others and our ecosystem. It is in this context, it’s worth asking the two age-old questions at this time. Who am I and What am I doing here.

Who am I?

Our superficial lives are an outcome of our superficial understanding of ourselves. When we relate to ourselves only as physical and emotional beings, we wish to satisfy only our physical and emotional needs. Who are you, really? Beyond the identity of your professional role, nationality, cultural values, religious beliefs, family and personal interests? Going past your age, education, intelligence level and personality traits? Beyond your physical body, unending thoughts and ever-changing emotions?

As we continue seeking and keep unpeeling the layers of our perception, we get to the truth of our existence. We are the everlasting Awareness. This Awareness is what lets us experience different thoughts and emotions. However, we…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 14 Comments

This Season, Get a Dose of Emotional Vaccination Too

Emotional vaccination

I lost my dad two months ago. He was 89 and suffered a brain haemorrhage. As difficult as it was to lose him, the hardest part for me was not being able to be with him at that time. Attending his funeral over Zoom was a rude reminder of the times we are in. I could suddenly and intimately feel the pain of so many others.

The prolonged and seemingly unending nature of the disruption and losses make us routinely feel disoriented, anxious and exhausted. It is directly affecting many individuals’ mental and emotional well-being, a trend particularly accentuated among the young.

Like the virus, this heightened uncertainty doesn’t look like going away in a hurry. Like we need the vaccine as protection from the virus, we need to learn ways to immunise ourselves from our inner emotional turmoil. Here are three ideas you can consider.

Build equanimity

To protect ourselves from the emotional roller-coaster, we need to cultivate a sense of equanimity – an anchor of stillness within us so the changing external scenery doesn’t easily affect us. Like the vaccine, this stillness doesn’t mean that we are not affected at all. It’s just that the threshold at which we experience emotional hijack goes up.

To build such equanimity, we need to deepen our emotional self-awareness. We need to learn what makes us happy, sad, insecure and excited; how frequently we move from one emotional state to the other; and what triggers these shifts. Ordinarily, we are on an autopilot mode where certain triggers produce a predictable reaction within us time after time.

When we are in touch with our changing emotional states, we can quickly catch ourselves starting to feel anxious, envious or angry. We can then choose to acknowledge those emotions and without judging ourselves, explore  alternate ways to respond in the situation. That’s how we can break the pattern of our repetitive and volatile emotional reactions.

Equally, with greater self-awareness, you may observe how you typically react in an emotionally disturbed state….

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Global challenges, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 54 Comments

What It Takes To Be The Adult In The Room

Adult Ego State

Even though not usually apparent, at the core, I have had a permissive predisposition. I have a tendency to avoid confrontation and prefer harmony over righteousness. Also, I instinctively feel the urge to protect anyone close to me I perceive to be vulnerable in an interaction.

Over the years, I have been consciously working on becoming more assertive instead. Where I am more open to expressing myself more fully in a firm, respectful and sensitive way. And hold the space for the vulnerable to find their strength. Although I am comfortable with where I am on this in my professional life, I sometimes find myself wanting in my personal relationships.

A recent refresher of Transactional Analysis (TA) was a great reminder of the further work I can do. As you may know, TA is a psychological theory of personal growth and relationships. It suggests that we have three ego states (Parent, Adult, Child) that primarily develop during our childhood. The specific combination of these states that we operate from determines the outcome of a particular interaction.

The three ego states

Parent ego state represents our psychological make-up that subconsciously imitates our childhood interpretation of the actions of our parents or of other figures of authority. How we get angry at similar triggers as one of our parents or talk in a critical or endearing tone like them. It’s the set of rules or beliefs that we imbibe during childhood about life, work and family.

Adult ego state corresponds to being guided by an objective assessment of the present moment, without any emotional baggage. This relates to our ability to process information in a logical way. Child ego state comprises thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are similar to how we tended to be, particularly emotionally, in our childhood. How we felt sad or angry every time someone passed a critical comment or didn’t include us in their plans; or how we were playful, conforming or defiant.

Can you notice these patterns playing out in yourself…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized | 21 Comments

Artha, Kama, Dharma, Moksha and The Sweet Spot of Life


The human body and mind are a microcosm of the universe. Just as different aspects of nature (sunrise, sunset, birth, death) need to be in balance, the human body and mind need to stay aligned to their natural rhythms to operate optimally. Our body works on the principle of homeostasis. Different bodily functions have to be in equilibrium for an optimal functioning of the whole. This requires appropriate levels of body temperature, body fluids, mineral and salts, blood sugar and so forth. If any of these go out of balance, we become ill.

Likewise, a key condition for an optimal experience of life’s journey is a healthy balance in different aspects of our being. This also means creating balance in our various life goals and pursuits. According to ancient Vedic scriptures, human beings have four aims in life. What makes a good life is living these aims in a healthy balance. That allows us to experience the sweet spot of life.

Artha

Artha is the essential building block of life. It represents the pursuit of earning a livelihood and gaining financial security. It is symbolic of our worldly life. In the absence of Artha, it can be more challenging to fulfil the other three goals. All the same, Artha discourages against single-mindedly hankering after materialistic life. It promotes engaging in meaningful work and learning to be content.

Kama

Kama is the pursuit of fulfilling our desires. It refers to both sensual pleasures as well as the creative and aesthetic experience of life including beauty, love and wonder. A healthy level of Kama is necessary for life. In fact, it’s essential for the pursuit of Dharma and Moksha (the desire to do the right thing and follow the path of spiritual self-realization).

Kama is an important aim as long as it does not conflict with the quest of the other three goals. However, an excessive pursuit of Kama, through money, power and pleasure, can lead to greed, addictions and undue sensual attachments.

Dharma

Dharma is about being righteous, about doing…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 12 Comments

REAP: The Success Mantra For 2021 and Beyond


People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out. But when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, Author

What differentiates highly successful people from merely good ones is their ability to shine during times of crisis. I have had the privilege of working with some such individuals. I notice that their key to thriving in uncertain and volatile times is their mastery over their inner self.

It’s not what happens to us during a crisis, but how we respond to it that determines our outcomes. The work we do with strengthening our emotional and mental make-up, sharpening our focus, and acting with purpose improves the quality of our responses. Which in turn positively affects our outcomes and experiences.

The inner work we need to do has to be at all four levels of our being. Mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. REAP is an expression of that wholistic work. This work has the power to positively affect all aspects of our life. It can help us be not only more successful at work, but also kinder and loving in our personal relationships, and healthier, happier and more fulfilled.

Resilience

At the mental level, it’s about building the right mindset. It’s about overcoming our fears and doubts and building confidence, positivity and resilience. Think Rafael Nadal and Virat Kohli. Irrespective of the score on the board, they would always like to believe that they can win. But how do you build the right mindset?

Our mindset is a function of our deep-seated beliefs. These beliefs dictate how we think, feel and act. For example, in the current crisis, if you strongly believe that your life will never be the same again, you are bound to feel anxious and demotivated. If you could only embrace some alternate beliefs, you will feel and act differently.

The belief that other than an exceptionally tragic event, generally no single event, positive or negative,…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 4 Comments

Beware Of The Trap Of Successism

Successism

I was fortunate to grow rapidly in my career. At 33, I became the India CEO of a global firm and at 36, the MD for the Asia region. I was happy and proud of my success. However, as I look back, I had been steadily falling into the trap of what I now call, Successism.

Like many of the other isms in our society, such as racism, casteism, sexism and ageism, successism is an ill-perceived lens to view people as unequal. Successism excessively revers competition, achievement and visible success. We consider success as the defining feature of one’s identity and subconsciously perceive successful people as superior and less successful people somewhat lesser.

Clearly a dysfunctional way to relate to others and to ourselves. While striving for excellence in any field is a worthy pursuit, it’s a real problem if the level of visible success becomes the primary yardstick to measure a person. The prevalent ‘winner takes all’ mentality only makes it worse. As a result, the more successful become more egoistic and arrogant and the less so frustrated and depressed.

The source of successism

Deep down, successism is a reflection of our individual lack of self-worth. When we see ourselves as inadequate and incomplete, we seek to fill that inner void by looking outside. We gravitate towards believing that only if certain external events materialise in our life, we will somehow be more complete. Goaded by the disproportionate value modern society places on visible success, this can become a relentless pursuit over all else.

We then judge ourselves on the basis of our progress on this path. Equally, we judge others on the same measure. All along, failing to recognise that it’s a faulty lens through which we are seeing the world. We completely miss the point that unless we do the self-work to strengthen our self-worth, no amount of external success can fill that inner void. Even if in the short term it seems otherwise.

Unless we focus on cultivating

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Community, Leadership, Self-growth | 20 Comments

Don’t Be Too Proud Of Your Analytical Mind


After a long time, the other day, I started making a gratitude list. One of those things that I have many of my clients do, but hadn’t done myself for a while. As I looked through the list, I noticed a familiar but unanticipated pattern. One that I have been trying to embrace for a while, although it’s much outside of my comfort zone.

I am an engineer, left-brained, analytical type. Given my broad success with problem-solving, I have perhaps subconsciously formed two beliefs. One, that every life issue is a problem to be solved. Two, with an analytical approach, I should be able to solve for most things. I clearly view that as a strength. I have been often rewarded for it in my professional life. However, what I noticed in the gratitude list was revealing. For some of the most significant points in the list, neither I nor my problem-solving mind had any contribution whatsoever.

On the contrary, they had everything to do with letting go and trusting. Letting go of my analytical mind and my achievement-orientation, and instead trusting the universe and my intuition.

I am grateful for the presence of my wife in my life. She’s my rock. But then, the life-long love affair that started with a brief encounter was not based on my thinking abilities, but on emotions, intuitive connection and trust. The more I have learnt to silence my judgmental self and the more unconditionally loving I have tried to be in my heart, the deeper my experience of the relationship has been.

My introduction to spirituality was a design of the universe. Some 25 years ago, my wife suggested that we both learn Reiki. I was naturally sceptical. As a trained engineer, I was just not going to fall for a technique to heal ourselves using our hands and some invisible energy. The idea that it could heal others, and even remotely, seemed absurd. But something within me led me…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 31 Comments

Reflect More, And Know This Crucial Factor To Make It Count


As much as we need exercise for our physical health, we need a regular reflective practice for our mental and emotional well-being. A few minutes of quiet time, away from all the emails and social media noise, when we can simply connect with our inner being.

We ordinarily have over fifty thousand thoughts in a day. Moments of solitude allow us to slow down this neurotic pace of mental activity. As we learn to observe our recurring thought patterns, we also begin to see the futility of many of our thoughts that usually preoccupy us.

Besides, building our reflective capacity strengthens our emotional equilibrium. We are then less easily affected by the daily ups and downs of life. We also become more thoughtful and less reactive in our responses.

I have personally found meditation to be a great support in this regard. Some people find writing a journal therapeutic; some practicing yoga and pranayama; and some listening to inspirational talks. Some others have a practice of positive affirmations where they recall three to five positive and reassuring statements a few times of day. This helps them proactively stay in an even-keel emotional and mental state.

One shift to make your reflective practice count

I consider myself a thoughtful and reflective person. I tend to be intense in whatever I do and can easily drift towards perfectionism. Committed to self-improvement and personal growth, I bring the same approach there too. Some years ago, I noticed a tendency in my reflections to sometimes seek answers to a certain type of questions. Particularly, when I clearly fell short of my own expectations. For example, if I lost my cool in a family conversation or found myself judging someone or wanting in my level of generosity. I wondered, why can’t I stay more present, why can’t I be less judgmental and be more loving, why is it so hard even though I am so committed to be a certain…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized | 9 Comments

Who Are You, Really?

Discover your true self

Calm, relaxed, restless, anxious, envious, confident, unsure, loving, guilty, grateful. As my thoughts drifted, these are some of the emotions I felt just in the past hour. And these are only the ones I was aware of. Striving to be more self-aware, I try to be in touch with my thoughts and emotions as often as possible. Hoping to have a better understanding of my tendencies, so I can slowly reform them to a healthier state.

However, a sudden insight recently offered a breakthrough in this practice. It’s about grasping the distinction between who’s feeling these changing emotional states and who’s observing them within. Who’s doing the thinking and who’s being aware of the thoughts? Who’s busy with the ongoing self-talk and who’s doing the listening? For all these questions, the answer is the mind and the Awareness respectively.

This Awareness, that allows me to observe my thoughts and feelings, is our true self. It is the mirror that makes our ever-changing thoughts and emotions visible to us. It is the screen on which we project our emotional and mental drama. However, since this projection is continuous and we are so engrossed in it, we believe we are the movie and totally miss the screen. We identify with our job, family, friends, religion, nation etc. However, this unwavering Awareness, that makes such identification possible, is the real us.

Three levels of consciousness

We can have three levels of consciousness. Level one is the outer (or body) consciousness. Our consciousness is limited to what we perceive through our sensory organs – what we see, hear, smell, taste and touch. At this level, we react to outer experiences on autopilot. If we eat a tasty snack, we crave for more and overeat. Someone cuts our lane on a busy street and we get angry at them.

Level two is the inner (or emotional/mental) consciousness. Here we are aware of our thoughts, feelings, motivations, attitudes and preferences. We are in touch with our inner craving for…

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Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 17 Comments