Category: Personal mastery

What It Takes To Be The Adult In The Room

Adult Ego State

Even though not usually apparent, at the core, I have had a permissive predisposition. I have a tendency to avoid confrontation and prefer harmony over righteousness. Also, I instinctively feel the urge to protect anyone close to me I perceive to be vulnerable in an interaction.

Over the years, I have been consciously working on becoming more assertive instead. Where I am more open to expressing myself more fully in a firm, respectful and sensitive way. And hold the space for the vulnerable to find their strength. Although I am comfortable with where I am on this in my professional life, I sometimes find myself wanting in my personal relationships.

A recent refresher of Transactional Analysis (TA) was a great reminder of the further work I can do. As you may know, TA is a psychological theory of personal growth and relationships. It suggests that we have three ego states (Parent, Adult, Child) that primarily develop during our childhood. The specific combination of these states that we operate from determines the outcome of a particular interaction.

The three ego states

Parent ego state represents our psychological make-up that subconsciously imitates our childhood interpretation of the actions of our parents or of other figures of authority. How we get angry at similar triggers as one of our parents or talk in a critical or endearing tone like them. It’s the set of rules or beliefs that we imbibe during childhood about life, work and family.

Adult ego state corresponds to being guided by an objective assessment of the present moment, without any emotional baggage. This relates to our ability to process information in a logical way. Child ego state comprises thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are similar to how we tended to be, particularly emotionally, in our childhood. How we felt sad or angry every time someone passed a critical comment or didn’t include us in their plans; or how we were playful, conforming or defiant.

Can you notice these patterns playing out in yourself…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized | 21 Comments

Artha, Kama, Dharma, Moksha and The Sweet Spot of Life


The human body and mind are a microcosm of the universe. Just as different aspects of nature (sunrise, sunset, birth, death) need to be in balance, the human body and mind need to stay aligned to their natural rhythms to operate optimally. Our body works on the principle of homeostasis. Different bodily functions have to be in equilibrium for an optimal functioning of the whole. This requires appropriate levels of body temperature, body fluids, mineral and salts, blood sugar and so forth. If any of these go out of balance, we become ill.

Likewise, a key condition for an optimal experience of life’s journey is a healthy balance in different aspects of our being. This also means creating balance in our various life goals and pursuits. According to ancient Vedic scriptures, human beings have four aims in life. What makes a good life is living these aims in a healthy balance. That allows us to experience the sweet spot of life.

Artha

Artha is the essential building block of life. It represents the pursuit of earning a livelihood and gaining financial security. It is symbolic of our worldly life. In the absence of Artha, it can be more challenging to fulfil the other three goals. All the same, Artha discourages against single-mindedly hankering after materialistic life. It promotes engaging in meaningful work and learning to be content.

Kama

Kama is the pursuit of fulfilling our desires. It refers to both sensual pleasures as well as the creative and aesthetic experience of life including beauty, love and wonder. A healthy level of Kama is necessary for life. In fact, it’s essential for the pursuit of Dharma and Moksha (the desire to do the right thing and follow the path of spiritual self-realization).

Kama is an important aim as long as it does not conflict with the quest of the other three goals. However, an excessive pursuit of Kama, through money, power and pleasure, can lead to greed, addictions and undue sensual attachments.

Dharma

Dharma is about being righteous, about doing…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 12 Comments

REAP: The Success Mantra For 2021 and Beyond


People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out. But when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, Author

What differentiates highly successful people from merely good ones is their ability to shine during times of crisis. I have had the privilege of working with some such individuals. I notice that their key to thriving in uncertain and volatile times is their mastery over their inner self.

It’s not what happens to us during a crisis, but how we respond to it that determines our outcomes. The work we do with strengthening our emotional and mental make-up, sharpening our focus, and acting with purpose improves the quality of our responses. Which in turn positively affects our outcomes and experiences.

The inner work we need to do has to be at all four levels of our being. Mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. REAP is an expression of that wholistic work. This work has the power to positively affect all aspects of our life. It can help us be not only more successful at work, but also kinder and loving in our personal relationships, and healthier, happier and more fulfilled.

Resilience

At the mental level, it’s about building the right mindset. It’s about overcoming our fears and doubts and building confidence, positivity and resilience. Think Rafael Nadal and Virat Kohli. Irrespective of the score on the board, they would always like to believe that they can win. But how do you build the right mindset?

Our mindset is a function of our deep-seated beliefs. These beliefs dictate how we think, feel and act. For example, in the current crisis, if you strongly believe that your life will never be the same again, you are bound to feel anxious and demotivated. If you could only embrace some alternate beliefs, you will feel and act differently.

The belief that other than an exceptionally tragic event, generally no single event, positive or negative,…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Self-growth | 4 Comments

Don’t Be Too Proud Of Your Analytical Mind


After a long time, the other day, I started making a gratitude list. One of those things that I have many of my clients do, but hadn’t done myself for a while. As I looked through the list, I noticed a familiar but unanticipated pattern. One that I have been trying to embrace for a while, although it’s much outside of my comfort zone.

I am an engineer, left-brained, analytical type. Given my broad success with problem-solving, I have perhaps subconsciously formed two beliefs. One, that every life issue is a problem to be solved. Two, with an analytical approach, I should be able to solve for most things. I clearly view that as a strength. I have been often rewarded for it in my professional life. However, what I noticed in the gratitude list was revealing. For some of the most significant points in the list, neither I nor my problem-solving mind had any contribution whatsoever.

On the contrary, they had everything to do with letting go and trusting. Letting go of my analytical mind and my achievement-orientation, and instead trusting the universe and my intuition.

I am grateful for the presence of my wife in my life. She’s my rock. But then, the life-long love affair that started with a brief encounter was not based on my thinking abilities, but on emotions, intuitive connection and trust. The more I have learnt to silence my judgmental self and the more unconditionally loving I have tried to be in my heart, the deeper my experience of the relationship has been.

My introduction to spirituality was a design of the universe. Some 25 years ago, my wife suggested that we both learn Reiki. I was naturally sceptical. As a trained engineer, I was just not going to fall for a technique to heal ourselves using our hands and some invisible energy. The idea that it could heal others, and even remotely, seemed absurd. But something within me led me…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Spiritual, Uncategorized | 31 Comments

Reflect More, And Know This Crucial Factor To Make It Count


As much as we need exercise for our physical health, we need a regular reflective practice for our mental and emotional well-being. A few minutes of quiet time, away from all the emails and social media noise, when we can simply connect with our inner being.

We ordinarily have over fifty thousand thoughts in a day. Moments of solitude allow us to slow down this neurotic pace of mental activity. As we learn to observe our recurring thought patterns, we also begin to see the futility of many of our thoughts that usually preoccupy us.

Besides, building our reflective capacity strengthens our emotional equilibrium. We are then less easily affected by the daily ups and downs of life. We also become more thoughtful and less reactive in our responses.

I have personally found meditation to be a great support in this regard. Some people find writing a journal therapeutic; some practicing yoga and pranayama; and some listening to inspirational talks. Some others have a practice of positive affirmations where they recall three to five positive and reassuring statements a few times of day. This helps them proactively stay in an even-keel emotional and mental state.

One shift to make your reflective practice count

I consider myself a thoughtful and reflective person. I tend to be intense in whatever I do and can easily drift towards perfectionism. Committed to self-improvement and personal growth, I bring the same approach there too. Some years ago, I noticed a tendency in my reflections to sometimes seek answers to a certain type of questions. Particularly, when I clearly fell short of my own expectations. For example, if I lost my cool in a family conversation or found myself judging someone or wanting in my level of generosity. I wondered, why can’t I stay more present, why can’t I be less judgmental and be more loving, why is it so hard even though I am so committed to be a certain…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Leadership, Personal mastery, Relationships, Self-growth, Uncategorized | 9 Comments

Who Are You, Really?

Discover your true self

Calm, relaxed, restless, anxious, envious, confident, unsure, loving, guilty, grateful. As my thoughts drifted, these are some of the emotions I felt just in the past hour. And these are only the ones I was aware of. Striving to be more self-aware, I try to be in touch with my thoughts and emotions as often as possible. Hoping to have a better understanding of my tendencies, so I can slowly reform them to a healthier state.

However, a sudden insight recently offered a breakthrough in this practice. It’s about grasping the distinction between who’s feeling these changing emotional states and who’s observing them within. Who’s doing the thinking and who’s being aware of the thoughts? Who’s busy with the ongoing self-talk and who’s doing the listening? For all these questions, the answer is the mind and the Awareness respectively.

This Awareness, that allows me to observe my thoughts and feelings, is our true self. It is the mirror that makes our ever-changing thoughts and emotions visible to us. It is the screen on which we project our emotional and mental drama. However, since this projection is continuous and we are so engrossed in it, we believe we are the movie and totally miss the screen. We identify with our job, family, friends, religion, nation etc. However, this unwavering Awareness, that makes such identification possible, is the real us.

Three levels of consciousness

We can have three levels of consciousness. Level one is the outer (or body) consciousness. Our consciousness is limited to what we perceive through our sensory organs – what we see, hear, smell, taste and touch. At this level, we react to outer experiences on autopilot. If we eat a tasty snack, we crave for more and overeat. Someone cuts our lane on a busy street and we get angry at them.

Level two is the inner (or emotional/mental) consciousness. Here we are aware of our thoughts, feelings, motivations, attitudes and preferences. We are in touch with our inner craving for…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 17 Comments

The ABC of Anxiety! And DE of Managing It

ABC of Anxiety

The news of the latest promotions was devastating for Francis. He was one of the leading candidates for the Chief Strategy Officer role and had been anxious for months to get it. Not only did he not get the position, but one of his peers was going to be his new manager. He felt let down and sad. He felt sorry for himself and was deeply concerned about his stature within and outside the firm. Anxiety had found a real toehold.

Francis’ experience is not unusual. We all routinely experience significant anxiety about our business targets, financial rewards, social status, parents’ health, children’s future, personal well-being and so forth. Underlying all such anxiety is an established pattern – first established by Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotional Behavioural Therapy, it’s the pattern of ABC.

The ABC of it

‘A’ stands for adversity. It indicates any kind of setback that we experience or anticipate experiencing. ‘C’ represents the consequences of that setback – how we emotionally experience it. Whether we feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, worried, helpless etc.

While we are quick to rationalise how ‘A’ directly leads to our state of ‘C’, there is invariably a factor in-between these two states. The factor of ‘B’. ‘B’ stands for our beliefs. All our thoughts and feelings emanate from our deep-seated beliefs. These personal beliefs determine the consequences of adversity for each of us – how we feel with every real or anticipated setback.

There are two kinds of beliefs that particularly contribute towards our anxiety. The first center around the absolute necessity of certain outcomes in our mind. I absolutely must get promoted; my children absolutely must love me as much I love them; I absolutely must never do any thing less than perfect. The absolute nature of such mental demands creates anxiety. Besides, not achieving these absolute goals results in our feeling like a failure. The second set of unhelpful beliefs are usually around our desire for approval by others. We wish for…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 11 Comments

What Are You More Afraid Of: Failure Or Rejection?


Stepping on to the tee box, I could feel my heart rate going up. I was definitely nervous. Since starting to learn the game, this was the first time I was going to be playing with friends who were clearly better golfers than me.

I surely didn’t want it to be a disappointing round – unfortunately, in golf, that happens way too often. However, I was more concerned about being considered a hopeless player. To pre-empt such an outcome, I instinctively declared that I was a complete novice; and how I had slept poorly the previous night.

I was more worried about rejection (my friends thinking poorly of me) than failure (not playing well). Most of us have a fear of failure. That’s the reason for our discomfort with taking risks. That’s why we are anxious about being passed over for a promotion or our business not taking off or our children’s progress not meeting our expectations.

However, beneath this fear of failure, we are actually afraid of rejection – the dreadful feeling that our peers may perceive us poorly.  Humans are social animals and we derive a considerable part of our self-identity from our perception of how others think of us. Many of us base our self-worth on our apparent relative status within our social circle.

Moreover, activities that enhance our relative status act as a mood booster. Activities that decrease that status, or even merely create the fear of a decline, result in release of stress hormones. The risk of social rejection is paralysing for us. As a result, we fail to pursue our passion and bring our true self to the world. We also continue to conform to our social circle’s expectations, even though we may suffer within.

The antidote

Happier people have a healthier sense of self-worth and prefer living by their own standards. They are comfortable in their own skin and are happy being themselves. Not that they are over-confident or have an excessive self-belief; they…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 6 Comments

What Makes A Good Life?


A great career, financial success, a nice family, loads of friends, active social life and exciting holidays make a good life, right? We may need to think again! Every so often, I have admired the cheerfulness and tranquillity of many of the security guards, cleaners and gardeners at our building. They arrive at work earlier than required, are always very willing to help and do it with a smile. I have chatted with a couple of them at times and found their approach to life a revealing reminder of what makes a good life.

Firstly, true quality of life is a reflection not of our standard of living but how we experience life within. Secondly, it is a measure of our level of freedom from our volatile emotional-mental states; how well we have won over our frequent feelings of anxiety, fear and envy or craving for a different life. I have noticed three principles that contribute to such a good life.

1. Morality

We cannot be at peace or experience emotional freedom without a clear conscience. A high sense of moral integrity is important for a healthy inner life. Without the strength of character, we can easily compromise on ‘minor’ infractions on integrity. We tell white lies, choose convenience over righteousness and assume that the end somehow justifies the means. It doesn’t!

The emotional residue of any wrongdoing stays and accumulates in our psyche and manifests itself in one negative emotion or the other. For example, guilt results in anxiety, irritability and lower self-esteem. Immoral conduct in business or personal life corrupts and weakens us. Choosing to do the right thing strengthens our inner being.

2. Inner compass

To experience emotional freedom, it’s important to live life on our own terms. We feel free when we align our life to our innate…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth | 16 Comments

Nature Doesn’t Rush, Yet Accomplishes Everything: Reflections For The Restless


A committed meditation student was very keen to become a master. He went to a guru and asked him, “How long would it take?” The guru replied: “Ten years.” The student, a bit impatient, was disappointed and queried, “But I want to master it faster than that, I will work very hard, and practice ten or more hours a day if necessary. How long would it then take?” The guru smiled and remarked, “Twenty years.”

We are routinely restless about our future. We want to be sure that we will achieve our desired outcomes. Besides, we are constantly striving for something more satisfying. We wish for more success, recognition, wealth, comfort, love and recognition. Our addiction to smart phones and social media is a reflection of this underlying restlessness.

While some level of restlessness is healthy, in high doses, it drains our focus and energy. In the process, not only are we less effective at whatever we are doing, but also are unable to enjoy the present. Here are three reflective perspectives to address this.

1. Trust the universal intelligence

Nature accomplishes all its results by surrendering to the universal intelligence. This intelligence is not only present within us, but also governs all our vital functions. It runs our digestive, nervous and reproductive systems; manifests our DNA and karmic imprint; and also dictates our cycle of birth and death. In its presence, we are always evolving, as we need to.

However, in our individualistic society, we have a misplaced sense of self-importance. Human mind is a blessing, but also a curse. A powerful mind anxiously wants to shape and bend the flow of the universal intelligence to suit its own wishes. Caught up in its restlessness for more, we become disconnected with the potential of our deeper innate intelligence. When we learn to trust that intelligence and believe that the way our life is evolving is for our highest good, we are more productive and feel more at peace.

2. Discover the right potential

One of the key…

To continue reading, please click here »
Posted by Rajiv Vij | Personal mastery, Self-growth, Spiritual | 18 Comments